Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

WindfallWendy

SadieO said

A gift of money from a parent or grandparent as a wedding gift (up to certain amounts) is specifically exempt from inheritance tax. 

Oo, that's interesting! Up to how much? 

Actually, I've just googled. £5k. Given I remember the average cost of a wedding being £12k quite a few years ago, I think the tax issue still stands as something to be mindful of.

teresa54

I'd say set the amount you wish to/can give, then leave them to it. 

Having said that, when I got married I was pleased to include a few of my brother's friends, not because he'd paid for it, but because I thought it would be nice for him to have some mates to sit with. The fact a couple of them were well-known lovies didn't affect my decision at all. 

Also, it was my own suggestion, I don't remember him asking. 

I don't think there's any harm in asking though, maybe beginning with "It's entirely up to you and don't feel any pressure, but would it be possible for .... and .... to come?" Or perhaps "would there be any possibility/room for ..." or whatever! But definitely, I don't think paying for something lends us the right to dictate how it is spent.

Superfi

"My ex-partner and I have offered to fund most of our child's wedding. While we're only too happy to do so, we're a little concerned about how the money's being spent, with a significant amount going towards luxuries like a tattoo station and mixologist, rather than towards essentials like the food and photography." - Did you set out in the beginning what you were prepared to fund, or just offer a lump sum? If the latter and you just handed a lump-sum over, then really you have no say on how it is spent. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. No harm in offering your opinion as gentle advice as a parent, but tread carefully; it's not your wedding.
"We'd also like to invite some of our friends that our child doesn't know that well. Do we have ... any say regarding who is invited?" NO! Whose wedding is it? One has to question why you want to bring your own friends along... However bottom line is; fund your own party if you want to spend time with your friends. 

Ultimately, your use of the word 'child' says a lot! You are probably not accepting that your offspring has grown up and become an individual adult within their own right, and no longer under your care. I suspect there's a lot more going on under the guise of this wedding emotionally than you're saying... 

nakie999

I think it depends on how the money was offered. If you said "here's £X towards your wedding"" as a gift, then technically it becomes their money to spend as they wish. But if you said ""we'll pay for the venue and catering"" or something specific, then you've got more of a say in those particular things.

The guest list thing is always sensitive. I do think if you're funding a significant portion, it's reasonable to invite a few close friends - but maybe agree a number upfront? Like "we'd love to invite 4-6 of our closest friends"" rather than a big list of people your child doesn't know. It is ultimately their day though.

For the spending priorities - tattoo stations and mixologists over food and photography does sound a bit backwards! Could you have an honest chat about it? Maybe frame it as concern rather than criticism - ""we want to make sure you've got amazing photos to look back on"" or "we're worried guests might be disappointed with the food."

When I was planning my daughter's  wedding, we used Bridebook and it was really helpful for budgeting because you can see exactly where money's going across all the categories. Made it much easier to have those conversations about priorities when we could see it all laid out. Helped us find our venue and coordinate everything too.

Maybe suggest sitting down together to review the full budget? That way you can raise concerns without it feeling like you're being controlling. What does your ex think about it all?

Emmia

teresa54 said:

I'd say set the amount you wish to/can give, then leave them to it. 

Having said that, when I got married I was pleased to include a few of my brother's friends, not because he'd paid for it, but because I thought it would be nice for him to have some mates to sit with. The fact a couple of them were well-known lovies didn't affect my decision at all. 

Also, it was my own suggestion, I don't remember him asking. 

I don't think there's any harm in asking though, maybe beginning with "It's entirely up to you and don't feel any pressure, but would it be possible for .... and .... to come?" Or perhaps "would there be any possibility/room for ..." or whatever! But definitely, I don't think paying for something lends us the right to dictate how it is spent.

I think you can ask, but if they say "no" or "I'd prefer my friends X and Y to attend" you need to take it with good grace.

The fact you even ask though probably puts the couple under pressure to have your friends there, even if they'd rather not have them attending.