Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

john_evmk

We gifted both daughters money towards their weddings. Their husbands' parents did not contribute. It was for our daughters and their partners to decide how they wanted to spend the money. Anything above what we gifted was for them to sort out.

The important thing was in neither case did we offer to pay no matter what they wanted - it was a set amount of money and as they were adults it was their responsibility to budget accordingly.

In both cases they invited who they wanted to be at their weddings. I am sure we made suggestions but it was their weddings, their guest lists, their big days and their decisions. We helped, we guided and we supported but we never made anything about the gift of money towards the wedding conditional on anything - in fact we even said they could choose to have a very small wedding and use any unspent money on anything they wanted. 

sunnyflower

I would either give them a set amount or offer to pay for certain things eg photographer, dress, catering.
They can then budget for the rest of the event. 
(I don't think many parents pay out for the complete wedding nowadays do they?).

Nelliegrace

We did not offer any money towards our daughter’s wedding.

When they were spending their own money, without going into debt, they decided what was essential and how many guests and who they wanted. I listened but with great restraint, I did not interfere, as it was their wedding day. That would have been harder if she was living at home. They did as much themselves as they could. It was a lovely, traditional church wedding and reception with a ceilidh after the meal. 

The total bill was just under £5,000 including the honeymoon, when the average was around £20,000, and when they had paid it, we gave them that amount. 

Rocketdogroya

ok I really need to say what I think of a tattoo station I think its a terrible idea but thinking about it has justified it a little.

Lots of comments about it being a part of traditional wedding, if they want one it is obviously not a traditional wedding. They maybe are themselves or have close friends that are that artists so it is very much apart of their lives.

I do love tattoos and have my next booked in 3 month coz that is about the average waiting time for a good tattoist. they know their wedding date and can book the artist well in advance so that problem is solved. 

They need a clean sterile enviroment to work in. Expos do happen so this may not be as much of an obstacle as it seems.

It is a lifetime choice not a drunk whimsy. Tattoos are an everyday mainstream thing in gen Z, its not do you have a tattoo, its more 'what have you got' and 'oh your not inked?'. I cant justify the possible drunk person and no reputable tattooist should be inking a drunk as it is obvious from the blood so maybe that wouldnt happen

Even a small tattoo will take 30mins to an hour so not many guests will get inked in the average 4hrs of a night do.  your not gonna do it during the day as guests will miss food and speeches if you have them.

 I do think a mixoligist is a better option than a tattoo booth. Maybe for the first hour of the night do as 'cocktails hour' are not something to drink all night as they are rich, sweet and very alcoholly! 


As for inviting guests, that is what a +1 is for so your not alone. Its not your day it is theirs, you may not agree with what they choose but if it will make them happy isn't that the main thing? if your not happy to give no holes barred just offer to pay for the elements you are and explain you do not want to facilitate stupid ideas, your paying but that doesnt mean there is a money tree and to budget the essentials before the downright stupid.

Southendormargate

Who goes to a wedding to get a tattoo?

Emmia

Rocketdogroya said:

As for inviting guests, that is what a +1 is for so your not alone. Its not your day it is theirs, you may not agree with what they choose but if it will make them happy isn't that the main thing? if your not happy to give no holes barred just offer to pay for the elements you are and explain you do not want to facilitate stupid ideas, your paying but that doesnt mean there is a money tree and to budget the essentials before the downright stupid.

It's "no holds barred" the term originates from wrestling. "no holes barred" is I would expect something entirely different. 

MarriedtoFinn

Oh dear!  I'm definitely out of step with all this "Wedding Ceremony Fever". I just feel like it's all got hijacked by anyone who can see a way to make loadsamoney.   I think it should all be about the MARRIAGE, and building a life, home and family together.  The ceremony is essential, but the style is incidental.  I think OP should offer the fixed amount of money, say that they are uneasy about some of the more frivolous incidentals, and encourage the couple to think seriously about how they will LIVE.  I'd discourage tattoos, for all the good reasons already posted here, also the excessively potent cocktails.  I'd say, definitely DON'T invite YOUR friends not well-known to the couple.  If you want to have some sort of get-together with them at a different time, nothing's stopping you, but someone else's wedding isn't the occasion.  Some of the remarks here remind me of when I was young and a friend was getting married, her parents were paying for and organising it all, and refused to invite a particular family who were the "wrong" race.  That caused a LOT of bad feeling. and caused a lot of people to question their integrity.  It was to the bride's and groom's credit that they were shocked - obviously they'd learnt better than her parents.
Just to reiterate, it's not the wedding ceremony that's important, but the marriage.

TheRaffs

Is it a gift or a way to control things? I had a mother that did that. I find it odd you want to invite your friends. 

As others have said, a list is easier.
This is their wedding and only you know your budget.

p00pieb0tt0m

If you want a party with your friends there, then organise one and enjoy yourself. Your child's wedding is just that; Your CHILD'S wedding. 

strawb_shortcake

I have heard of tattooists at wedding receptions before and a Google search shows its not a new thing, but imagine it's quite a niche. 

I have a few smallish tattoos and once took part in a  Guinness world record event for a shop doing the most tattoos in 12 hours. But these were tiny and simple, the cleaning between tattoos probably took longer than the actual tattoo which was about 5 minutes. So imagine that a wedding tattooist would probably have a limited flash sheet of very small tattoos. 

I have noticed more younger people having doodle tattoos so can see these would be quite appealing to many people.

But gifts should be given without strings. When/if my children get married we will contribute but do our best to keep our thoughts to ourselves unless asked.

Things change, I'm sure if I asked my Mum what a suitable wedding favour was she'd suggest sugared almonds...