Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 My ex-partner and I have offered to fund most of our child's wedding. While we're only too happy to do so, we're a little concerned about how the money's being spent, with a significant amount going towards luxuries like a tattoo station and mixologist, rather than towards essentials like the food and photography. We'd also like to invite some of our friends that our child doesn't know that well. Do we have any right to an opinion about how our money is being spent, or any say regarding who is invited?

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Emmia

Talk to your child.

Personally I wouldn't want parents friends who I don't know in the photos... Are you giving a gift or a gift with strings?

Brie

I'd suggest making a list of things you will pay for and stick to that.  Dresses, tuxes, venue, dinner, flowers. 

If you don't think a tattoo station is appropriate (when did that become a thing at a wedding?) then don't pay for it.  Pay for a bartender but not someone who is doing fancy cocktails.  

elsien

I agree with Brie. 

if you’re gifting money, it needs to be a gift with no strings attached or you make it very clear what you will pay for, and let them sort out the rest themselves.
In terms of inviting people that are not your daughters friends and who she doesn’t really know then that’s a no really isn’t it? Why would you want to do that?

Grumpy_chap

Give the gift with all your love and support but no strings.

This is not your wedding.  This is your child's and their partner's wedding.  Let them have the day they wish to have.

I speak from experience after my in-laws paid a disproportionate contribution to our wedding and then felt they could control the event.

CapricornLass

Another who agrees with Brie, make a list of what things you are prepared to pay for.  If they still want a tattooist and a mixologist, then they can pay for it.  You can always say that you've been checking what funds you've got available - you don't think you can afford to pay for everything, but these are the expenses you know that you can meet.  Having made that offer, and that they know what budget they've got to work with, then back off, and let the young couple make the decisions as to what they want. One of my friends, who got married in the late 70s,  is still resentful that her mother wouldn't let her wear a red silk shirt and jeans to her wedding!

Its worth encouraging them to think out of the box a bit, especially if they have craft skills.  Can they make the wedding invitations/order of service/favours for guests/flower arrangements?  Or maybe a friend or relative is able to arrange flowers/make the cake as their wedding gift to the couple?

Though I should imagine that like many other things, there are trends and fashions in modern weddings that were not even thought of when we tripped up the aisle.

Rd1994

I would say I’m not paying for the tattoo station / mixologist. I’m only paying for food, photographer & more essential things. Let them fund the rest themselves and I’m sure that will make them prioritise.

i don’t think you should bring your own friends to your child’s wedding if your child doesn’t want them there / know them. Maybe to the evening doo only?

ImReallyAnElf

I'm afraid my answer has to be "absolutely not".  If you've offered to fund the wedding, that equals a gift, unless you specifically stated that there were conditions attached which they had to meet. (I do hope you're not that sort of controlling people!)

A couple's wedding is one of the biggest day in their lives, and it should be their choice in every matter - location; guest list; children allowed or child-free; whatever they want, within whatever budget they've got. It's not yours, nor your ex-partner's wedding. This wedding is ALL about the couple.

As to inviting your own friends - no. Don't even suggest it unless the friends are equally friends with your child.  

I've been married more than once, and my parents funded my first wedding. They picked the venue (it was a semi disaster) and invited all their friends. My soon to be husband and I had asked 7 close friends; they were lost among the 30 or so strangers my parents invited. I have NO good memories of that day beyond the swing in the hotel garden which my then husband and I used as a photographic prop. 

19lottie82

Surely the money is all going into one wedding pot anyway? Just give them a set amount and let them spend it as they wish. You dictating will never turn into anything good.

Re inviting your friends, that entirely depends on numbers. Ask them how many people you can invite, then respect that. 

The money is a gift and shouldn’t come with conditions. 

iclayt

They're not mind readers. If they think you're paying for the whole thing, why wouldn't they look at the fancy extras?  Decide how much you're giving them and let them know how much that will be, and then leave them to spend it how they wish. Paying for it doesn't mean you get a say in their guest list either! 

bikaga

I think you need to sit down and talk to each other. Try and understand why they want the wedding they want, then if you can't get behind that, be honest. 

Also bear in mind that they might have a photographer and food organised, maybe through contacts who gave them a discounted offer that they could afford themselves, or as a present from friends who cook / make cakes / do photography. I won second prize in a competition and got my wedding photography half-price for example. 

So... are they not spending your money on essentials, or are they (in your opinion) not spending enough of the money on the essentials, and will you only fund what *you* think should be an essential? Again an example - most wedding venues' food is really average (if you're lucky) and overpriced, but you might get a hog roast for much cheaper and have lots left over by feeding a little bit less into an exploitative industry.

Anyway... enough about the ££. With regards to you inviting people to their wedding that they don't really know, hell no. That's just weird. Don't.