Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

Suzycoll

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

 My ex-partner and I have offered to fund most of our child's wedding. While we're only too happy to do so, we're a little concerned about how the money's being spent, with a significant amount going towards luxuries like a tattoo station and mixologist, rather than towards essentials like the food and photography. We'd also like to invite some of our friends that our child doesn't know that well. Do we have any right to an opinion about how our money is being spent, or any say regarding who is invited?

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If they are old enough to get married they are old enough to spend on the wedding as they see fit . They are not a "child".

On saying that I'm sure they would be happy to discuss & share the plans with you & decide some things together 

newborough

Don’t give blank cheques. Tell them exactly how much you’re contributing towards the wedding. If they don’t spend it all, they can keep the difference. That way, they’re motivated not to waste money, and you’ll know exactly what it’s costing you.

SimpleLife61

No. You have been generous but it's their day not yours, let them do it how they want.

For context, when I got married my parents gave us 50% of the costs (with the rest split between my husband & I and his parents). My mother immediately started to take control, making demands and changing the guest list etc. It made me miserable and because I didn't let her get all her own way she sulked throughout they day, making me even more miserable. Don't let that happen to your child, they will never forgive you. 

Marvel1

What you give and how they spend it, is up to them

silverwhistle

Marvel1 said:

What you give and how they spend it, is up to them

I'm guessing that what you meant was "What you give is up to you, and how they spend it is up to them"?

Open ended commitment to funding the event could go horribly wrong: "we've decided on chartering a super yacht in Tahiti".. :-)

ZeroSum

There was a couple who used to work with my wife who when they were planning their wedding, his mother started trying to take control making ridiculous demands. In the end they just eloped & married in secret, and none of the family got invited.

An option to consider to avoid guest list politics (which is what we did), is just not bother with the day time do (and lets be honest, its the most boring bit of the day anywa). Get married later on in the day & straight into night do. Then you can be more flexible on who gets invited. 

CarolWHerts

Our daughter got married this year and we paid all the costs of the reception for about 100 people. The couple chose and paid for everything else. Of 100 guests, approximately half were their friends (they have accumulated a lot more friends at 30ish than we had at 20ish for our wedding), and the rest were the extended family of both bride and groom. We did have about half a dozen of our oldest friends there, all of whom she knew and who had watched her grow up. We feel that weddings are about making an occasion to bring together two families and a community in support of the couple (the registrar actually used words very much along these lines). It was so lovely to have a happy occasion to bring together all the aunts, uncles and cousins whom we don't see often, as they have been scattered across all corners of the UK by the demands of their working lives. And we also got a chance to meet the groo.m's wider family. This week we attended the funeral of one of these relatives and everyone was saying that they were so grateful to have had that happy family occasion this Summer - it's so sad that we are more likely to get together for funerals. Luckily, our daughter and her husband are in tune with valuing family connections in this way and they also have great taste in wedding venues and associated activities so it was a happy event. However if they had been determined to have a smaller event then we would have gone along with that of course without a murmur. 
As this is an MSE forum I should also raise the question of the inheritance tax implications of handing over a large sum of money as a no-strings gift (larger than the marriage gift allowance) as opposed to paying directly for a (real) family party. Keep good records and stay alive for seven years.

Dizzycap

Brie said:

I'd suggest making a list of things you will pay for and stick to that.  Dresses, tuxes, venue, dinner, flowers. 

If you don't think a tattoo station is appropriate (when did that become a thing at a wedding?) then don't pay for it.  Pay for a bartender but not someone who is doing fancy cocktails.  

I agree with Brie's sound advice!    

WindfallWendy

I'm surprised no one has thought to mention the tax implications of a financial gift 🧐 - since many of the comments refer to the money being a gift for the recipients to spend however they like.

If you are just giving them £000's (which I assume is how much these things cost these days if they extend to meals and entertainment as well as invitations to extended family friends), then I feel it is less problematic if you pay for X, Y and Z (e.g. venue, clothes, flowers, band, food... which you can usefully specify) rather than just passing money to them which could get taxed (in certain circumstances, if you were to die in the next seven years).

Sorry to be the practical voice in this flurry of commentary. I hope the happy couple don't come across this thread at any point.

SadieO

WindfallWendy said:

I'm surprised no one has thought to mention the tax implications of a financial gift 🧐 - since many of the comments refer to the money being a gift for the recipients to spend however they like.

If you are just giving them £000's (which I assume is how much these things cost these days if they extend to meals and entertainment as well as invitations to extended family friends), then I feel it is less problematic if you pay for X, Y and Z (e.g. venue, clothes, flowers, band, food... which you can usefully specify) rather than just passing money to them which could get taxed (in certain circumstances, if you were to die in the next seven years).

Sorry to be the practical voice in this flurry of commentary. I hope the happy couple don't come across this thread at any point.

A gift of money from a parent or grandparent as a wedding gift (up to certain amounts) is specifically exempt from inheritance tax.