Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

ShinyStarlight1

mummystudent said:

Be careful. Your behaviour is only going to create distance between you guys and your son, your future daughter in law and potentially everyone else. Whether you agree or disagree with what they’re spending the money on, you’re coming across as controlling and I can’t imagine that will play out well in the future if there are grandkids in the mix. 

…..

Please be careful, as stories about mothers and mother in laws behaving like this are generally followed by ‘and this is why we’ve cut them out’ or ‘this is why we don’t see them very much’. 

It’s interesting that you have decided that the person at fault is the mother (not the father) - even though this isn’t specified in the OP.

In your assumption, you've also made it entirely her fault, ignoring that the original poster writes as ‘we’.

Lots of bias there.

keencyclist

It’s their wedding not yours. It’s generous of you to contribute to the cost of it, but I think you should gift them an amount of money and let them decide how they want to spend it.  

kimwp

As others have pointed out, when giving money to someone, you're not really paying for a certain thing, you are just adding to the pot from which they can spend. So "paying for the dress" isn't going to achieve the wedding that you want.

But it isn't your wedding, so why should it be the wedding that you want? If you want to give a gift with conditions attached, then that needs to be made clear when giving the gift (with the recipients having the right to refuse both).

It seems that there were conditions attached that you hadn't realised you wanted or hadn't realised they would contravene and therefore weren't expressed at the time of giving or committing to given the money.

You need to sit with the couple and figure out what has already been spent or committed and whether it's reasonable to have some of your money back if it's not being spent how you want. 

I think it's reasonable for everyone going to a wedding to have someone else there that they can hang out with, but there's no need to have a tableful and definitely not if the couple don't want them there - imagine having to share something so important in your life with people you don't want to be around!!

mummystudent

ShinyStarlight1 said:

mummystudent said:

Be careful. Your behaviour is only going to create distance between you guys and your son, your future daughter in law and potentially everyone else. Whether you agree or disagree with what they’re spending the money on, you’re coming across as controlling and I can’t imagine that will play out well in the future if there are grandkids in the mix. 

…..

Please be careful, as stories about mothers and mother in laws behaving like this are generally followed by ‘and this is why we’ve cut them out’ or ‘this is why we don’t see them very much’. 

It’s interesting that you have decided that the person at fault is the mother (not the father) - even though this isn’t specified in the OP.

In your assumption, you've also made it entirely her fault, ignoring that the original poster writes as ‘we’.

Lots of bias there.

Lots of stereotypes and judgements throughout all of the replies. There’s so little to go on of course we fill the gaps. I stand by what I said, my first paragraph referred to ‘you guys’ and talked about them both. And the second paragraph talks about mother in law jokes. You’ve assumed the ‘you guys’ is me blaming the mother? Interesting as I thought it was acknowledging both of them as being at fault. 

CautiousMoney

This a generation clash with a dose of unclear expectations thrown in.
Years ago only the parents of the bride paid for a wedding and chose everything because the bride and groom were young and had no money. Who attended was decided by both sets of parents based on seating space available- they had raised their children and were "giving them away" as proud parents. 
Now the marrying couple have expectations of doing things their own way, they have more cash than previous generations and they're usually older etc and expect to spend a relatively huge sum of money.
If parents want to contribute then why not stick to the old basics of wedding dress, venue and lunch? All the extras are paid for by the bride and groom.

Also, if the marrying couple are expecting a cash injection it really a gift?

THV

Tell them your bank accounts aren't a bottomless pit. If you're not careful they'll end up spending many thousands of pounds on so called extras. If you don't want to pay for a tattoo station etc. Tell them and don't pay for it. 
Often weddings end up being what the brides mother wants, not what the happy couple want. 
Our wedding was what we wanted. There were 10 of us there. We paid for the wedding ourselves, as I didn't want my parents to have to pay for it. That was 43 years ago & yes werestill together. 
I often think, the bigger the wedding - the more likely they'll be divorced.

7buses

I’m quite interested in the tattoo station. (Awful idea imo unless it’s fake tattoos.) The internet is delightfully unclear on whether tattoo artists need licenses or not. But the www.gov.uk site says “ You can only work in the premises where you’re licensed.”. Just thought I’d mention this. 

Worlds_Worst_Superhero

After reading countless posts on this site, and witnessing how various friends were actually made ill through the months of planning that comes with organising a wedding (one bride-to-be had to be taken to hospital after suffering a mental health episode because the ribbons on the wedding invites were pale purple and not the lilac she requested 😯), my partner and I have spoken with our daughter and her boyfriend, asking that if they want to get married we will happily give them a sum of money.
If they want the complete Princess Fantasy affair in a castle, with unicorn-drawn coaches, philamonic orchestra and choirs of angels, they'll have to find the rest of the money themselves.

Fortunately, my daughter has no desire to cos-play a Disney Princess, so they will probably spare everyone the excruciating ordeal and elope, posting the pics on social media afterwards.
And then spend the money on their future.

ambioni

A tattoo station? when did that become part of a normal wedding??!? spur of the moment tattoos are not a great idea, if you want one you should research reputable artists and spend time on the design you want! anyway- parents have offered to pay, but it's not their wedding and so they should be restrained in trying to dictate what the money is spent on....ideally a dialogue with the children to suggest and guide their spending is needed.

Worlds_Worst_Superhero

Forgot to post this first bit...

It's their wedding, not yours. 
You can offer to pay for certain items- the bride's dress, flowers, venue etc or you can agree to give them a sum of money.
If the latter, how they choose to spend it is up to them.
Personally, I find the idea of a tattoo station and mixologist rather tacky, but if that's what they want to make their day memorable, then that's up to them.

Have you agreed what you will pay for, or a limit on what you'll give them?
If not, you need to clarify this with them so you all know what's happening.

As for inviting your friends....NO! The bride and groom invite who they want, you can't just invite your friends. Again, discuss this with the bride and groom. Be careful not to make them awkward or feel they have to invite them. Nobody wants a group of random friends-of-friends in their wedding photos, not to mention the additional costs.

In case you haven't guessed from my previous post, I'm not a lover of big weddings. All the faff- elaborate proposal venues and photo shoots, Save The Day cards, professionally designed wedding invitations, week-long hen and  parties in exotic locations, wedding preparation personal trainers and beauty treatments, dress fittings, hair stylists, make-up artists, months spent finding the ideal venue, colour schemes, ensuring you rent the right tableware and seat covers, menu-planning, interviewing and assessing cake-designers photographers and other wedding professionals, hire cars, flowers.....

Not for me, thank you!  Either decide to live together, or elope.
So much more romantic ❤️