Money Moral Dilemma: We're funding our child's wedding - do we get any say in how the money's spent?

Erica51

It's their wedding.  Tell them how much you are giving them and let them decide how it's spent.  So long as they invite the two of you and your new partners if you have them you do not decide the guest list.  Why would they want people there who they don't know?  If you want to celebrate your daughter's wedding with your friends invite them for a meal to show them the photographs.

Katecooks

Very easy to see which of the respondents here are young newly-weds whose in-laws have paid for the wedding "it's not your wedding" and those who are actually parents of grown-up children "we should have some say in how money is spent". I completely understand both views, but I'm afraid monetary gifts rarely come without strings and why should they? My daughter is getting married next year and was hoping my husband and I would pay for the wedding which we can afford (with some sacrifice to ourselves), We decided against it because I would want some input in how the money was used (and for me a tattoo station would be a definite no at a wedding) Instead, I have agreed to pay for the wedding dress, bridesmaid dress (my other daughter) flowers and a cake and help with decorations. I think this is the best solution; pay for things you are happy with and let the couple pay for the rest and make their own choices (and mistakes).
And frankly weddings (and hen nights, baby showers etc.) have become ridiculously expensive and over-the-top.

Sueh_2

I don't think offering to pay for your child's wedding is exactly a gift. I would just tell them how much you are prepared to give them and if any if their ideas are not appropriate, in your point of view, tell them and tell them what you are prepared to pay for. As far as your friends being invited, that would up to the couple

retired19

Let them know your budget,  you say you're "funding most" of the cost. Do not repeat do not invite your friends unless the couple want them too. Then stand back and let them sort it out it's their wedding. Make sure that you and your ex are united in your messages as the last thing you want is for "Daddies little girl (or boy)" to play you off against each other. 

Emmia

CapeTown said:

A mixologist and a tattoo artist.... bad tattoos happen after a load of drink. And IMHO it is a very tacky thing. My ex (fb) and I agreed to pay a 1000 quid each for my son and his wedding.  We have given them money towards a deposit for a house and made sure all our  children left university debt free. I think  you would be better placed giving less money for the wedding and perhaps more to house purchase.  All of a sudden the tacky tattoo artist won't be so popular 

You don't have to have real ones - and actually there are lots of health and hygiene considerations in doing this. You could have fake ones though...

Emmia

Katecooks said:

Grumpy_chap said:

Give the gift with all your love and support but no strings.

This is not your wedding.  This is your child's and their partner's wedding.  Let them have the day they wish to have.

I speak from experience after my in-laws paid a disproportionate contribution to our wedding and then felt they could control the event.

Lucky you, having your in-laws pay a large portion of your wedding bill; of course they wanted some say in how their hard-earned money was spent. If you'd paid for it yourself, you could have had complete control and the wedding you wanted; the decision was entirely down to you, so stop moaning.

Wow. Just wow. 

What a horrible comment.

fuzzybee007

If the wedding is to be a small one, say up to twenty people then I dare say that inviting strangers would not be appreciated but otherwise refusing your request to have three or four close friends share the celebration would just be churlish in my opinion.  They can always fund it themselves if they don’t like it.

Emmia

fuzzybee007 said:

If the wedding is to be a small one, say up to twenty people then I dare say that inviting strangers would not be appreciated but otherwise refusing your request to have three or four close friends share the celebration would just be churlish in my opinion.  They can always fund it themselves if they don’t like it.

The bride and groom could always self fund and not invite the parents?

What is the purpose of the parents friends attending? They don't know the couple, will probably incur expenses getting to / from the wedding... Accomodation, an outfit perhaps... A gift? Doesn't sound like a great proposition financially from a guest perspective.

CapeTown

Emmia said:

CapeTown said:

A mixologist and a tattoo artist.... bad tattoos happen after a load of drink. And IMHO it is a very tacky thing. My ex (fb) and I agreed to pay a 1000 quid each for my son and his wedding.  We have given them money towards a deposit for a house and made sure all our  children left university debt free. I think  you would be better placed giving less money for the wedding and perhaps more to house purchase.  All of a sudden the tacky tattoo artist won't be so popular 

You don't have to have real ones - and actually there are lots of health and hygiene considerations in doing this. You could have fake ones though...

Still tacky though. 

PostHoc25

There's no escaping money issues in a marriage, so a good place to start is getting them to figure out a budget for their wedding. The day is theirs as is the 'gift' - no strings attached. If they have no food but a tattoist, so be it. Say you will give them £X and you are excited to see what they come up with. As for adding your choice of guests - that's a no. It's their day, not yours.