Giving partner an allowance?

D1ss1lusioned

Emmia said:

OP I think you're being very helpful and understanding, but if your efforts fall on deaf ears,  is this something that you'll end the relationship over? I think your partner needs to understand the importance of this issue to you.

Thanks yes, money is probably our biggest cause of arguments as I don't really enjoy my job at all and doing it to pay all the bills and car etc. When she contributes very little and goes as far as asking for an allowance too (which she also believes is something entitled to if we got married) then it does cause arguments and tension.

D1ss1lusioned

Cressida100 said:

So OP you're working in a job you don't enjoy just to pay the bills and she is asking you for a allowance for treats? I think you said she's agoraphobic and then mentioned that she had previously worked in an office? How does that work? 

I feel really sorry for you. I can't believe in this day and age there are women in the world who think they should get an allowance from a partner. How old is she? 

Thankyou, she has OCD, panic attacks and anxiety which are difficult for both of us. She has difficulty leaving the house etc. I think maybe more of an issue since Covid possibly. She used to like working in an office with colleagues. I feel more comfortable WFH alone as find it easier to focus. She's 43, she has done probably about 5 or so jobs but all lasted a year or less and losing them was very upsetting for her.

Savvy_Sue

D1ss1lusioned said:

Cressida100 said:

So OP you're working in a job you don't enjoy just to pay the bills and she is asking you for a allowance for treats? I think you said she's agoraphobic and then mentioned that she had previously worked in an office? How does that work? 

I feel really sorry for you. I can't believe in this day and age there are women in the world who think they should get an allowance from a partner. How old is she? 

Thankyou, she has OCD, panic attacks and anxiety which are difficult for both of us. She has difficulty leaving the house etc. I think maybe more of an issue since Covid possibly. She used to like working in an office with colleagues. I feel more comfortable WFH alone as find it easier to focus. She's 43, she has done probably about 5 or so jobs but all lasted a year or less and losing them was very upsetting for her.

I'm wondering if she would find it possible to engage with support in finding and keeping work. I know, for example, there's a 'hub' near us which would offer such services, pointing to ways of updating and improving skills, running CV-writing workshops etc. There's something going on most days, and there might be support for helping her leave the house etc. 

The thing is, it's not a great situation for either of you, but either something changes or it carries on not being a great situation! 

Cressida100

D1ss1lusioned said:

Cressida100 said:

So OP you're working in a job you don't enjoy just to pay the bills and she is asking you for a allowance for treats? I think you said she's agoraphobic and then mentioned that she had previously worked in an office? How does that work? 

I feel really sorry for you. I can't believe in this day and age there are women in the world who think they should get an allowance from a partner. How old is she? 

Thankyou, she has OCD, panic attacks and anxiety which are difficult for both of us. She has difficulty leaving the house etc. I think maybe more of an issue since Covid possibly. She used to like working in an office with colleagues. I feel more comfortable WFH alone as find it easier to focus. She's 43, she has done probably about 5 or so jobs but all lasted a year or less and losing them was very upsetting for her.

Apologies my post was not at all helpful, I deleted it the original post but cannot delete the quote. Sorry for your troubles. I hope you manage to sort things out. 

Emmia

D1ss1lusioned said:

Emmia said:

OP I think you're being very helpful and understanding, but if your efforts fall on deaf ears,  is this something that you'll end the relationship over? I think your partner needs to understand the importance of this issue to you.

Thanks yes, money is probably our biggest cause of arguments as I don't really enjoy my job at all and doing it to pay all the bills and car etc. When she contributes very little and goes as far as asking for an allowance too (which she also believes is something entitled to if we got married) then it does cause arguments and tension.

In this situation I'd advise you not to marry. She'll be entitled to half of what you have if you do, and subsequently split up and divorce. Currently if it ended then you'll keep what you have.

Savvy_Sue

D1ss1lusioned said:

Emmia said:

OP I think you're being very helpful and understanding, but if your efforts fall on deaf ears,  is this something that you'll end the relationship over? I think your partner needs to understand the importance of this issue to you.

Thanks yes, money is probably our biggest cause of arguments as I don't really enjoy my job at all and doing it to pay all the bills and car etc. When she contributes very little and goes as far as asking for an allowance too (which she also believes is something entitled to if we got married) then it does cause arguments and tension.

I would also be job searching myself - if you could find something which paid more, or you enjoyed more, I'm thinking that would improve life for you. I know you're WFH and that suits you, so it might restrict your search, but ... 

D1ss1lusioned

Really appreciate the advice all. I have had difficulty keeping jobs myself so stick with the one I have for that reason and also the risks of losing any job I go to with a big fall in income going to benefits which has happened before.
I have said that her "allowance" as such is me covering the mortgage and all the bills. A shared bank account would literally be me putting a lot more in to cover the bills and there would be great risk if she had access to my account as I budget to the penny, keeping track of all outgoings to ensure I can cover all bills and direct debits when they go out. She does like to treat herself and is less careful managing payments as will often say that a credit card payment or mobile phone bill was bigger than expected or went out unexpectedly. I keep track of all payments and amounts. I fear that if she could access the money it would impact my ability to cover the bills.
Even a shared account that we both put money into I know she would take more out of it. I generally plan for and budget for any purchases, she can be more spontaneous. We both have little disposable income although we went on a holiday a month ago that I paid for entirely. She said she would give me half but still hasn't as said she can't afford to. If she pays me back for something then she says she has no money to buy the groceries so I end up paying for them as well which is technically using the money she paid me back.

Pollycat

D1ss1lusioned said:

Really appreciate the advice all. I have had difficulty keeping jobs myself so stick with the one I have for that reason and also the risks of losing any job I go to with a big fall in income going to benefits which has happened before.
I have said that her "allowance" as such is me covering the mortgage and all the bills. A shared bank account would literally be me putting a lot more in to cover the bills and there would be great risk if she had access to my account as I budget to the penny, keeping track of all outgoings to ensure I can cover all bills and direct debits when they go out. She does like to treat herself and is less careful managing payments as will often say that a credit card payment or mobile phone bill was bigger than expected or went out unexpectedly. I keep track of all payments and amounts. I fear that if she could access the money it would impact my ability to cover the bills.
Even a shared account that we both put money into I know she would take more out of it. I generally plan for and budget for any purchases, she can be more spontaneous. We both have little disposable income although we went on a holiday a month ago that I paid for entirely. She said she would give me half but still hasn't as said she can't afford to. If she pays me back for something then she says she has no money to buy the groceries so I end up paying for them as well which is technically using the money she paid me back.

So where does that leave you?

Is she still insisting that you give her an allowance or has she accepted that by paying for stuff, you are effectively already giving her an allowance?

Has she accepted that she should be looking for a job that takes into consideration her disabilities?

Has she accepted that you getting a loan/0% credit card to pay off her debts is a definite no-no?

How are you getting on with your SOA (statement of Affairs)?

Have you looked into whether she is entitled to more benefit money? e.g. disability.

D1ss1lusioned

Pollycat said:

D1ss1lusioned said:

Really appreciate the advice all. I have had difficulty keeping jobs myself so stick with the one I have for that reason and also the risks of losing any job I go to with a big fall in income going to benefits which has happened before.
I have said that her "allowance" as such is me covering the mortgage and all the bills. A shared bank account would literally be me putting a lot more in to cover the bills and there would be great risk if she had access to my account as I budget to the penny, keeping track of all outgoings to ensure I can cover all bills and direct debits when they go out. She does like to treat herself and is less careful managing payments as will often say that a credit card payment or mobile phone bill was bigger than expected or went out unexpectedly. I keep track of all payments and amounts. I fear that if she could access the money it would impact my ability to cover the bills.
Even a shared account that we both put money into I know she would take more out of it. I generally plan for and budget for any purchases, she can be more spontaneous. We both have little disposable income although we went on a holiday a month ago that I paid for entirely. She said she would give me half but still hasn't as said she can't afford to. If she pays me back for something then she says she has no money to buy the groceries so I end up paying for them as well which is technically using the money she paid me back.

So where does that leave you?

Is she still insisting that you give her an allowance or has she accepted that by paying for stuff, you are effectively already giving her an allowance?

Has she accepted that she should be looking for a job that takes into consideration her disabilities?

Has she accepted that you getting a loan/0% credit card to pay off her debts is a definite no-no?

How are you getting on with your SOA (statement of Affairs)?

Have you looked into whether she is entitled to more benefit money? e.g. disability.

At the moment we have considered the options, thanks again to suggestions on here.

She does understand how much I put in as I calculated how much I spent alone on groceries last month (I pay for my breakfast cereal, snacks, lunchtime food, household items such as toilet rolls, kitchen rolls,detergent etc. She really just pays for her things and our evening meals).

She has thought more about a WFH job or making more money at home from selling things etc.

I asked her several times to post in the debt free wannabe section but instead has contacted her most expensive card (about £100 a month in interest) and today had her interest frozen with an agreed repayment amount.

Will check in on the disability amounts as well

bouicca21

Back in the day, my mum had an allowance.  It was actually called the housekeeping allowance - she used it to pay household expenses like utilities, food, clothing for us children, etc. Anything left over was hers.  In other words she was responsible for the household budget.  An ‘allowance’ wasn’t hers to spend on anything she fancied.