Money Moral Dilemma: When should I tell my son I can't afford for him to go to a private school?

Undervalued

Ibrahim5 said:

Savvy_Sue said:

 'local' (ie not a name that everyone would recognise) private school.

The best private schools are 'boarding only'. That means that they have the child for 100% of the time. A child is at day school for only 10% of the time. So if the parents work all hours to send the kids to the local private school and never spend any time with their children that's the worst combination. Kids are left with childcare who normally aren't particularly well educated. So spend loads of time with your children. Take them to museums, art galleries, theatre, cinema, sports events and TALK TO THEM. Travel with them to see the world. Money is much better spent doing that than sending them to the local rubbish private school. Mine would be at state school all day and then spend all evenings doing extra activities. Like a boarding school but with a loving family rather than at some weird institution.

Mainly maybe but certainly not all!

Undervalued

Most such schools have complex "assisted places" schemes very different to the old fashioned concept of an all or nothing scholarship. Very few if any pupils will be getting a 100% scholarship but rather more than you might think will be receiving a significant rebate of fees. The administration of this is usually subcontracted out to specialist companies that carry out a very detailed assessment of the parents finances and lifestyle.

Quite how they handle a situation where one parent has significant means and the other doesn't I don't know but I am sure it is not a unique situation. Maybe they might assess the total situation as worthy of a 50% rebate? I have no idea.

OP, just suppose you could comfortably afford half the total cost what would you want your son to do, assuming he passes the entrance exam?

If you can genuinely only manage a very modest contribution would you be willing to do so, or is finance not the only factor?

clarmstrong

Your ex sounds very manipulative, he is not only putting the pressure on you but also your son. I suggest that you are honest with your son as soon as possible. Don't demonise his father who can do that for himself, be as neutral as possible. Go through in simple terms all your income and expenses and what extra costs there would be on you if your son went to a private school. That might sound advanced for such a young child but it is amazing how much information a young child can process if put in simple terms. Tell your ex to cancel the application because you cannot afford half the fees, do this through your solicitor. Your ex should not have discussed this with your son before consulting you first. If your son went to the private school you would be put under mental pressure for at least 7 years even if his father were to pay the full fees as you would worry about what  if he stopped paying. If your son had to be pulled from the school he would have to leave friends he made there and maybe feel a failure or resent both parents.

Savvy_Sue

Alswife said:

You need to tell your son ASAP. Explain that you were not consulted and that you can't afford to contribute. Also tell your ex in no uncertain terms that going behind your back is despicable and that they should explain this to your child. 

I am not sure - given what we were told in the first post - that I would rely on the Ex being able to 'explain' anything to their son. I would worry about this being skewed to "Daddy wants the best for you but your mean mummy doesn't."

I fear that if I were in this situation, I'd be having a lot of conversations with my child starting "I don't know why Daddy said X, because he didn't talk to me about it first and I'm afraid that it's not going to be possible." In this case I'd be prepared to set out WHY paying half the fees - never mind all the incidentals - wasn't going to be possible. Meanwhile I'd be thinking something quite different, but trying NOT to communicate that to my child. 

eileenfromplaistow

Generally agree with the comments, but if your child is currently year 6, then please do not miss the window for applying to secondary school. Then he will have a place with his friends, regardless of the finances.

Richmc

Going to a private school is a privilege not a right, tell the boy that his father is refusing to take on the burden. Incidentally My wife was a teacher foe thirty five years and ended up being a special measures consultant, the vast majority of schools that needed her were private ones, state schooling is generally the best option.

Mike_from_Croydon

This is bullying by your ex, pure and simple.  

mlz1413

Tell your son now, don't dither about should you or shouldn't you. He can't go because you can't pay half.

Give your son the opportunity to sit the exam if he wants the experience of sitting the exam but say the result is immaterial as he is not going.

I would also take this opportunity to decide how you deal with your ex.  A man who is clearly using your son as a way to punish you.  He knew before he told your (joint) child that it was not going to be possible but he wanted the argument.   He probably wants to pay the full amount to ensure he is always 'better ' than you.

I would put on your chain mail and armour and say NO! to your Ex.  Maybe insist on having that discussion infront of a mutual friend. 

pomcycle

You need to talk about this ASAP.
It may be ex wants to check on how 'well' you are doing after divorce etc... or get you to agree to school and then stop paying to get back at you- once you sign up you may be jointly liable for fees.
I would email the school ASAP and ask for details of scholarship- make it clear about your financial situation and that you haven't been given all the info yet. I earned a scholarship that even included bus and uniform so they are rare but exist. Scholarships often don't pay for the full fees and are hard to earn.
I would be honest with your child "Your dad would love you to go to this school, if he wants to cover all the costs it would be a great opportunity but there is lots of competition for the spaces, how do you feel about that school?" I would avoid saying you can't afford it as child might then worry about your finances and feeds into other parent being 'better off'- could say something about thinking they will do well wherever they go, if other parent pushes it can just say it's not priority for my finances right now but if you want to pay for everything I'll need written confirmation from you and school that I won't be liable for any costs. 
Make sure you attend the open days for the local state and private ones with the child so you can make it clear- parent x would be covering all costs. If they are on track to earn scholarship check out local grammar schools too.