Money Moral Dilemma: When should I tell my son I can't afford for him to go to a private school?

JayD

born_again said:

Now before they go for exam. 

Also tell EX. If that is what they want, then good. They can pay for it all. 

EXACTLY!!!

angusc

No problem!  Just tell your ex that you voted for Labour in the last general election and therefore you are unable to support sending your child to private school. 

FrugalThrills

Your ex sounds manipulative. Discuss with him, but mainly your son who, after all, is the one going to whatever school selected. As others have said firstly your son might not be interested. Secondly is there any guarantee that your ex will carry on paying his half even if you could cover yours? Bottom line is, you cannot afford it - do not let your ex manipulate the situation.

Spendless

You tell son now you can't afford it, before he sits any exams before he starts any prep or tuition towards sitting entrance exams.

On a similar note, my daughter wished to go to drama school for years for HE . They  are not all equal in terms of funding, some are classed as private and you can't get the full maintainance loan, some scholarships are available but they are then means tested and don't work for our household and some are fully funded via the student loan system in the same way taking say a geography degree would be.

Before daughter went on to a specialised sixth form course, before she started auditioning for courses, before she put her UCAS application in, I told her what was available and would she needed to be looking at. I had no wish for her to get an offer from somewhere and then have to turn it down due to a financial situation I was well aware of before she started the process. If it's not a possibility don't let your son think it could be.  

keencyclist

If your ex understands your financial position (and they probably do), then this looks like an example of coercive and controlling behaviour.  If the ex does other similar things then you may want to talk to your local domestic abuse service and get advice from them about how to handle - ultimately CCB is a criminal offence. 

If this is more of a one-off thing then I would have thought the best way to handle would be to have the conversation with the ex that decisions about the child’s education need to be made jointly by both parents. It is unacceptable for one to unilaterally make decisions like this.

robbyhead

This is exactly and uncannily my position.  My much, much younger Brother has a delightful, smart and tough daughter and an ex wife. She wants private school, my Brother wants free schooling.  I get on well with both.  I have paid for pre prep and kindergarten for 3x years and now have paid for the first year of prep, as my Niece is 7 years old.  In return my Sister in Law pays me back over 2.5x years, for each year, with 2% one off interest on the primary to keep everything ungifted, as an actual loan.  It works out quite well.  I convert cash I invested 10x years ago in crypto and gold into cash when needed and She pays the school bills. I settle the capital gains tax, £49k last year. In return I get a weekly income every Monday morning by standing order, excluding bank holidays, when it's Tuesday, because of our Victorian oafish banks. The benefits of private schooling are quite  astoundingly huge. I was expelled for anti social and enjoyably criminal behaviour when I was at grammar school and sentenced to reform school for 3x years, in the country.  I enjoyed this far more than grammar school, and the occasional beatings did not change this.  I therefore know the value of the right school. To conclude, do everything possible, everything, to get Your Boy into the private school. It is important that You enrol Him in boxing or other martial arts in case He has to revert to state school. He needs to be able to knock down the bullies who will, absolutely, pick on him as '' the public school snob ''.  I have done this with my Niece and She has 3x years of karate under her belt - LOL.  Just in case. Given that precaution, then if Your Son has to go back to a state school after a year or two in private school, He will absolutely outshine every child there. One year of private education really is worth 2x of state unionised schooling.

Savvy_Sue

Rocketdogroya said:

 maybe a comprimise can be reached. i dont mean a financial compromise but a willingness for you to 'go the extra mile' if your ex pays, or you pay for uniforms etc...  

Do check who the uniform supplier is before agreeing to any such thing. 20+ years ago, for a 'local' (ie not a name that everyone would recognise) private school, supplier was Harrods. £15 per single pair of SOCKS!

Ibrahim5

Savvy_Sue said:

 'local' (ie not a name that everyone would recognise) private school.

The best private schools are 'boarding only'. That means that they have the child for 100% of the time. A child is at day school for only 10% of the time. So if the parents work all hours to send the kids to the local private school and never spend any time with their children that's the worst combination. Kids are left with childcare who normally aren't particularly well educated. So spend loads of time with your children. Take them to museums, art galleries, theatre, cinema, sports events and TALK TO THEM. Travel with them to see the world. Money is much better spent doing that than sending them to the local rubbish private school. Mine would be at state school all day and then spend all evenings doing extra activities. Like a boarding school but with a loving family rather than at some weird institution.

uk2009

Speak to your ex straight away and inform him your finances or income wouldnt stretch to paying ANY of the fees (just in case he says something like "so how much could you pay towards it if not half?" Then, unless he is prepared to cough up the lot, speak to your son and explain the situation. I'm sure he will understand.

Alswife

You need to tell your son ASAP. Explain that you were not consulted and that you can't afford to contribute. Also tell your ex in no uncertain terms that going behind your back is despicable and that they should explain this to your child.