Money Moral Dilemma: When should I tell my son I can't afford for him to go to a private school?

ripongrammargirl

I can see why he is your ex, as he obviously loves making decisions on your behalf. What a nerve to say this to your son, whom you are both responsible for, but not at an unaffordable cost that would be detrimental to you and your son. You need to speak to your ex now and tell him that you will both speak to your son together and that he either pays for these fees himself, as he is so keen and you can’t afford it, or he should retract what he said and apologise profusely. Has anybody even bothered to ask if the child is interested in private schooling, which is no better than a lot of schools regarding bad behaviour, bullying etc (just ask King Charles) but you will have to pay for this “privilege”. 

I suspect he would rather attend a secondary school with his friends and not be a single lone person in an unfamiliar environment without his peers. Trust me on this, as I passed the 11+ exam in 1984 meaning I was the only person from my primary school who went to grammar school and I was so lonely and isolated as well as being well out of my depth. 

This needs to be a conversation for you all together, after you have told your ex what you have told all of us on this forum, and hold your ground. You can’t pay for something with thin air.
As always though we never get to hear the outcome of these “dilemmas” but hope our answers have helped somebody out there. 

Southendormargate

The ex promised it. The ex pays for it.

Shell1989

Your ex registered him for the exam and said he could go, so your ex must therefore plan to pay for everything associated with attending the school if your son gets in. He must be joking about you paying half, since this was all set in motion without you. Tell that to your ex, and if he is all mouth and no money, let him be the one to come up with a fancy get-out-of-jail story for himself with your son.

IvonH

Tell him now.  As with all difficult things, it is better for children to know.  Explain to him why you can't pay; that you are sure he would pass the exam, so not going there is nothing to do with him; reassure you about the other school being a good one (if it is - find one that has a good reputation); find friends and children from his primary school going to the same school he will attend.  
Keeping things from children never works.  Children are much more switched on than we think and your son will understand, if you have a good relationship with him.  Do not make derogatory comments about his father, just say that he does not understand your financial situation and that it was not ideal him promising things to your son that are impossible to be delivered.
Sounds to me like you  had a lucky escape and I hope you get to that way of thinking if you aren't there already.  Good luck.

primrose_penguin

Firstly I would tell your X that you will not be contributing to the private school fees as you cannot afford to, and that if he wants your son to go there then he will have to pay the full fees and everything else that goes with it, school uniform, books etc. He should have discussed this matter with you first before speaking to your son, don't feel pressurised or guilty, your husband is the one who should feel guilty by doing this behind your back. I would also speak to your son and ask what he would like, I presume he would be going to this new school without his friends and he may not want to go, or sit the exam, and he should not be pressured into doing so. If he says he would like to sit the exam you need to tell him that unless his father pays the school fees he would not be able to go as you cannot afford to contribute towards them, if he decides he does not want to go to this new school then you can tell your husband he will not be sitting the exam as he does not want to go to a private school. Like you say your X knows you are stretched financially, so this sounds like he is trying to make himself look good and undermining you. Don't give in to this behaviour.

Erica51

Tell your son now before he spends too long thinking about it.  Explain your financial situation to your ex and make it clear that if he would like you son to attend private school he must pay for all of it: fees, uniform, transport, tutors to help him pass the entrance exam, extras like music lessons.  And he must do it until your son is 18.  Anything else would be unfair.  Explain to your son that it is simply not possible for you to pay half the cost whatever your ex may tell him.  Your ex is malicious to behave like this.  Do not let him persuade you to take on a financial burden with which you are uncomfortable.

WIAWSNB

When should you tell your son? As hard as it sounds, it should be as soon as possible, and before he sits this exam. That's the honest and respectful thing to do for him, isn't it?
Your ex knows that you cannot stretch to this indulgence, so they're the one telling the lie to your son; he ain't going to Private School however well he does at this exam. (Unless your ex is suddenly going to pay the vast majority of the fees).
So, "I'm not sure why daddy said you could go to PS, since he knows I'm not able to afford to contribute, and he can't afford to pay for it all - he does know this. Can you think of why he'd still tell you this?" "Could it be that he wanted to see how hard you could work for this exam? Or just to see how clever you are? Or what else? What do you think?..." "Oh, yes, that's a very good idea - you ask him why he said this, you lovely boy..."
If he's disappointed - and even if he isn't - then also at some point have the discussion about the larger moral issue here, of how Private schooling is a paid-for privilege that buys a distorted outcome for your child*. It does not provide a 'better' education, although - yes - usually a wider range of (costly) experiences. And almost certainly an entry to the ol' boys network. But it does this at the moral cost of creating further social inequality by allowing the wealthy to buy these positional advantages for their children, one not based on merit. It literally 'gains' the British education system that should be there for us all equally, so we all achieve our best according to our true abilities. It does not reflect or respect innate ability - it distorts it. 
*Once their Private schooling stage is left behind and the kids arrive at tertiary education, state pupils generally outclass their private contemporaries, and achieve better results. How on earth?! Because Private schools invest heavily in challenging 'disappointing' exam grades, and ground their kids in university exam entry techniques. Result? Privately-educated Secondary school kids are, as a general trend, over-graded. Fair, huh? Once they reach the level playing fields of University, they are left behind. You didn't know that, did you? The sheer unfairness. That is what PE buys - a privileged, bought, gained advantage. And a distorted idea of the world. 
If he does get privately educated, then whatever he does afterwards, Uni or not, please advise him to not look down disparagingly at 'State' peers, as they will very likely be brighter than him.
  

Matt8888

Tell your son straight, today... "Daddy said you can go to private school but now he realises he cannot afford the fees, did he tell you? No? Oh, that was naughty of him. Well he can't pay. I wish I could help rectify his mistake, but I can't afford it." As for those saying you need to be super-bright and pass the exams, umm, no...! All but the most famous private schools are desperate for cash. I guarantee they will take anyone who can walk and chew gum at the same time, no matter what they may pretend.

jenniewb

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My ex has registered our son for a private school entry exam and told him he can attend if he does well. He then informed me that, if our son gets in, he'd expect me to pay half the fees. He knows I'm already stretched to the max financially - even if our son got a scholarship, I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for the school bus. At what point do I inform my child of this? Should I let him attend the exam and get his hopes up?

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That's awful! Your ex is a tw*t! I think you should tell your son at the earliest opportunity, though mention that if you were able to afford the fees you would do and if there were any other places he could go to that were more affordable he could go there but just not this one due to the fees. It is disappointing, it's how you manage that disappointment that matters here not that he has a disappointment to deal with.

If his father is of any worth and can afford this, he'll stump up the fees. If he doesn't want to pay up then you need to be upfront about this; why did you think it would all be fine? Had you been sold a myth or did you believe your ex was going to fund the whole thing? Did he ever say that or was this your assumption? That much is not important for your son to know, maybe when he is much older and wants the details but assuming he's around 7, 11 or 15 years old (assuming this due to the exams and those being key times for kids to change schools) this is not his problem. But it may help you to know so when and if he does come back to request answers you're more informed at where the mistake was made and if there was any malice behind it (eg did your ex want to shame you for not earning as much as he did or want to make you look bad in your sons eyes for some reason).

It may help also to get to the bottom of this so to know what to expect in the future if there were any similar situations (eg friendship group holidays, school trips or even celebrations he may want to take part in where your ex may offer to pay something but with hold the terms and conditions before the big reveal. If he has told your son this before checking with you by the way, this is totally on him and he is the one to have thrown the grenade. But going on his behaviour to have gotten to that point I would not trust him to be open and honest about the way things happened and may try something similar to gain favour and make you look like the spoiler by design.  

CapeTown

Why is there this assumption that private is better than state. Having put 3 children through state school, I can categorically state that there are very few private schools that would have improved my children's results. My daughter who went to one of the best universities in the country said she could tell the private pupils because they had to be spoon fed. You were talking about scholarships.  If your son is bright he will do well wherever he goes. (And by the way your ex is an absolute moron)