Money Moral Dilemma: When should I tell my son I can't afford for him to go to a private school?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My ex has registered our son for a private school entry exam and told him he can attend if he does well. He then informed me that, if our son gets in, he'd expect me to pay half the fees. He knows I'm already stretched to the max financially - even if our son got a scholarship, I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for the school bus. At what point do I inform my child of this? Should I let him attend the exam and get his hopes up?

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born_again

Now before they go for exam. 

Also tell EX. If that is what they want, then good. They can pay for it all. 

kimwp

The ex sounds delightful! Hopefully he is paying for a tutor to help their son get scholarships and knows that there will be uniform, hockey kit, lacrosse kit and school trips to pay for.

Mark_d

Your ex made the mistake or promising a private school education to you son without checking with you first.  You should speak to your ex and get him to straighten things out with you son

Savvy_Sue

Mark_d said:

Your ex made the mistake or promising a private school education to you son without checking with you first.  You should speak to your ex and get him to straighten things out with you son

I can just imagine how that might go. Ex to son: "Well, Daddy wants you to go to X School, but mean Mummy says you can't."

I honestly don't know how I'd handle this, and it would depend on the age of the child, but my gut feeling is that the OP might need to explain to son what has happened. "Daddy said this to you, and I know he would be very keen for you to go to X School. He didn't talk to me about what this would mean beforehand, and he only wants to pay half the fees. I'm very sorry, but I am not going to be able to pay the other half, even if you do really well." 

I'd probably be tempted to say a heck of a lot more than that, but in the interests of keeping adult arguments out of children's minds, I hope I'd be able to stop there. 

keithyno.1

There's no dilemma here at all in my view. You've already said that you're stretched to the max financially and wouldn't even be able to afford to pay for the school bus. So it sounds like the only way you'd be able to pay half (or indeed any) of the school fees would be by taking on a considerable amount of personal debt, which would be utter madness.

You just need to be upfront, honest and truthful with both your ex and your son - if you can't afford it then you can't afford it, simple as. Like everyone else you can only live within your means. If your ex is unhappy with that, well he has the option of paying the fees in full himself if he wishes to. And for your son, it would one of life's most important lessons learned early.

silvercar

Even if your ex offered to pay all the fees at the start, you run the risk of him changing his mind as the years go by, leaving you with the hard decision to have to go into debt or move your son out of the school. I’d refuse the whole idea. Your ex can pay for tutors if he wants to support your son, that way there is no long term commitment.

Groom

Have you asked your son if he really wants to go? Also what does his Primary School say - does he have any chance of getting in, unless he is extremely clever and has been having extra tuition it is unlikely he will get a place. You need to speak to your ex and tell him you are under no obligation to pay as you weren't consulted. It's not just for one year, it will be for for 7, until he's 18. There will also be all the extras - meals, uniform, sports equipment, trips etc. Usually as well fees increase each year. Does your ex realise the full cost involved? 
At 11, your son is going to find it hard  to understand why, even if he passes the exam, he can't go. Your ex has put you in an awful situation and really you need to insist that you tell the boy together. Your other option is to keep quiet and hope he doesn't pass the entrance exam. What would be really dreadful would be if you managed to let him go for a year or so and then had to pull him out. 

Owenmore

Ex made the choice and the promise, so he should foot the bill. I would not entertain his ‘ expectations’ if there was no discussion beforehand. What if his circumstances change, what happens then? Too risky! Has anyone spoken to your son - what does he want or expect? And if he knew your financial situation, what would be his response? What was agreed at the separation / divorce stage? There is usually a legal agreement drawn up when children are involved. 

Katecooks

I'm not sure this is such a huge dilemma. Does your son desperately want to go to a private school? It's usually parents who make this decision and I think most kids just want to go to the same school as their mates and most of them will just go to the local comprehensive. I sent my eldest to private school and my youngest to a state school Neither of them liked school; the youngest did a lot better academically. Sending a child to a private school is no guarantee of happiness or success. Your Ex made this mess, so explain to your son exactly how it is: "Daddy wants you to go to private school but I can't afford to pay half the fees, but if Daddy pays all the fees, then you can go". Then when your Ex realises he can't afford to pay, he is to blame. It's appalling for a parent to make promises that he can't keep.

Lowry1986

Your ex has made the commitment to your son's education and, without consulting you, expects you to make a commitment also. If you do not have the finances to make the commitment he is asking for then you must tell your ex just that.  Its then up to him either to fulfill the commitment he has made or admit he has made a mistake - a commitment that can't be fulfilled.
Of course explain to your son you would love to support his private education but its just not possible.