Money Moral Dilemma: When should I tell my son I can't afford for him to go to a private school?

kimwp

Lots of generalisations being made about private schools and privately educated children. As with state schools, there are many different types. And different children flourish in different environments. 

Faceuptoreality

This is another example of why you should ONLY have sex with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Pollycat

Tell your ex that he had no right to promise your son he could attend private school without discussing financials with you first.

Tell your ex that he either agrees to fund all the private school costs (not just fees but costs over and above what would be charged at a state school) or he tells your son both of you can't afford to send him to private school.

WIAWSNB

OP, another couple of observations, if I may;

1) Your ex's behaviour sounds like some form of coercive control - an attempt to undermine and humiliate you in front of your child, by not only comparing your relative wealths, but by placing you in this very awkward situation without your permission. By your account, he is fully aware of what he is doing. He does not appear to have a legitimate excuse for doing this. I'm sure you are pleased he's your 'ex'... If you didn't before, then you should have little doubt now of his calibre as a human being. 

Don't play this game yourself - I'm sure you won't. Eg, don't suggest to your son what could be going on, or you'll fall in to the other side of this pernicious trap. Instead, any conversation should be based on, "I don't know - what do you think?" Add the facts and evidence as required, but let him - and anyone else - join the dots. Only if needed, of course.

2) I've just come back from a dental checkup. When I first took my kids to this fab lady some 15 years ago, mine were in primary school, and she'd just given birth to twin boys. Over the years, she'd talk about what she reckoned were/would be the most important influences to their overall behaviour, from it first being 'mum', then 'dad', and finally peer group. Not sure about the order of the first two, but 'peer group'? Yes, absolutely. 

Your son is presumably quite smart? But that's largely irrelevant - what's important, especially in Secondary school, is the group he chooses to associate with. If he nails that, he's good to go! 

Hopefully he'll be an asset to the school by behaving and leading by example, and he can almost certainly go much higher and be more influential in a State school than a Private one. And the results he will gain will be a much more true reflection of his abilities, and not be artificially enhanced by the shenanigans in the Private sector.  

When he goes to Uni - assuming he does - he can justifiably hold his head high amongst his new peers. 

Jm2207

This sounds like a controlling and coercive move by your ex, to either get you into debt or to make you look like a mean parent. Be honest with your son. Tell him the real world costs, it will be a good lesson to him in many ways

Rocketdogroya

Have an 'adult conversation with your ex whilst your son is there explaining your situation to your ex and then 'dumming' the same statement down to your kid so there can be no misunderstandings and then if your son really wants it and your ex can afford it maybe a comprimise can be reached. i dont mean a financial compromise but a willingness for you to 'go the extra mile' if your ex pays, or you pay for uniforms etc...  do this before the exam as if he gets in and then cant go he will spend his life wondering what if..... 

oh yea do it together to avoid finger pointing if you can be civil with one another

scher

This is sad but not your fault. You should sit your son down and explain the situation to him and then leave it up to your ex to either pay for everything or send your son to the local school. He will be just as happy at a local school and can still do exceptionally well if he has the gift for it. You can't get yourself into debt just because it's what your ex wants.

keithyno.1

Faceuptoreality said:

This is another example of why you should ONLY have sex with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Are you sure you're posting on the right page? This is a MMD discussion about paying for fees for a child's private education - your comment above bears little relation to that and instead appears be a rather narrow minded moral view of human sexuality and behaviour.

Pollycat

Faceuptoreality said:

This is another example of why you should ONLY have sex with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Can I borrow your crystal ball to see my future before I have sex with anyone...?

2702

Why is it up to you to tell your son? It should be your ex he has raised your sons expectations. Sounds like full well he knows you cannot afford the fees. I take it the divorce was not amicable. I would tell your ex he can explain to your son that he cannot afford to send him and enrolled him by mistake. It will also depend on your relationship with your son but sounds to me like your ex is trying to manipulate this situation that he instigated. I would let him know that if he wants to do anything for your son that involves your finances he either agrees this with yourself beforehand or he can pay for it himself.
I know this may be difficult to discuss with your son (after you ex has told him)but the sooner you do it the better and let him decide if he wants to sit the exam.