Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give two of our daughters cash in lieu of paying for their weddings?

Emmia

Oxfordboy said:

If the other two daughters don't want to wed that's up to them but personally I wouldn't give them the money. So a year or two goes by and they change their minds. Are the parents supposed to stump up an extra £20,000 for their wedding. Then you have daughter that's already married want an extra £20,000. So keep your money until they decide otherwise. Don't be pressured into emotional blackmail either. They made their decision not you.

Solve this by being clear it's a one time gift, which they can spend on a wedding, house deposit, whatever... Taking the money now means no contribution for a wedding later.

It's an old fashioned view that parents pay for the wedding.

geoff_h

Make sure the gift is from revenue. If it is from capital it will be subject to inheritance tax and the 7 year rule. Once you've given them the money it is theirs to dd as they wish.

silvercar

egarobar said:

You must be crazy, giving that much. They won't appreciate it. It's not good for children to be given handouts - how will they learn how to afford things for themselves if they don't save up for them? Ridiculous. Did your parents do that for you? I pity you if they did. I pity the children of rich people who don't know how to value hard work, and the value of earning what they want to have by their own efforts. 

Maybe their parents did do that for them and the now parents want to pay it forward. Maybe they learned that you have to work hard to be able to indulge your children/ celebrate life time events.

Invites used to be phrased, "Parents of [the bride], together with parents of [the groom] invite you to celebrate marriage of their children [bride and groom]. So the parents were hosting and presumably paying.
 

silvercar

geoff_h said:

Make sure the gift is from revenue. If it is from capital it will be subject to inheritance tax and the 7 year rule. Once you've given them the money it is theirs to dd as they wish.

You've ignored the exemption for a gift for or in contemplation of a wedding. Also the annual gift allowance. From 2 parents and with a carry forward from the previous you would be exempt for £22,000. 

You could also pay vendors direct rather than via the bride or groom, especially if the invite is from parents to the wedding of their offspring.

Mark_d

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our youngest daughter is getting married and we've offered to foot most of the bill for the wedding, which will be around £20,000. We have two other daughters, who have both made it clear they don't plan to wed at all. Should we gift them the same amount in lieu of being able to pay for their weddings? Or maintain that the money's there for them if they do later choose to wed?

In the interest of fairness I would give all your children the same amount.

To be honest I'm surprised to hear that in this day and age, the father of the bride still pays for the wedding.  When I got married - almost 20 years ago - we paid for the wedding ourselves.  We kept the event small due to financial constraints but it was our event and not something controlled by parents.

For our tenth wedding anniversary, we had the celebration we would have ideally had for our wedding.  We hired a cruise boat on the Thames, a party band, and we invited a large amount of friends and family.

pixiebel81

Mark_d said:

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our youngest daughter is getting married and we've offered to foot most of the bill for the wedding, which will be around £20,000. We have two other daughters, who have both made it clear they don't plan to wed at all. Should we gift them the same amount in lieu of being able to pay for their weddings? Or maintain that the money's there for them if they do later choose to wed?

In the interest of fairness I would give all your children the same amount.

To be honest I'm surprised to hear that in this day and age, the father of the bride still pays for the wedding.  When I got married - almost 20 years ago - we paid for the wedding ourselves.  We kept the event small due to financial constraints but it was our event and not something controlled by parents.

For our tenth wedding anniversary, we had the celebration we would have ideally had for our wedding.  We hired a cruise boat on the Thames, a party band, and we invited a large amount of friends and family.

There's no father mentioned in the OP?

FMSE

You might want to give each one the same money when they buy a house. Better investment to spend it on somewhere to live. A photo album from a slap up wedding will not keep the rain off for long. Whatever you do treat each evenly. If you have not got all the money now you can always amend  your will to take out £20 from one daughters share.

badmemory

Always treat children fairly/equally.  It still gripes with me after 25 years that my parents celebrated my sisters mortgage freedom  in 2000 & didn't mine a year later & yet my struggle had been harder with a child too.  We were barely talking double figures for it at the time - they are both gone but yes it does still gripe.

silvercar

Mark_d said:

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our youngest daughter is getting married and we've offered to foot most of the bill for the wedding, which will be around £20,000. We have two other daughters, who have both made it clear they don't plan to wed at all. Should we gift them the same amount in lieu of being able to pay for their weddings? Or maintain that the money's there for them if they do later choose to wed?

In the interest of fairness I would give all your children the same amount.

To be honest I'm surprised to hear that in this day and age, the father of the bride still pays for the wedding.  When I got married - almost 20 years ago - we paid for the wedding ourselves.  We kept the event small due to financial constraints but it was our event and not something controlled by parents.

For our tenth wedding anniversary, we had the celebration we would have ideally had for our wedding.  We hired a cruise boat on the Thames, a party band, and we invited a large amount of friends and family.

My parents paid for my wedding, but that was in the 80s. 

We paid a large chunk of my son’s wedding. Though the couple themselves controlled most of it. I know plenty of parents who heavily contribute to their children’s wedding costs. Usually it is a at a time in their lives when they haven’t got the money to have the sort of wedding they would like. I don’t see any harm if it’s what the parents want to do. 

Spikeygran

If you can afford it I'd give all 3 the £20K and not pay for the wedding of the youngest.

People have perfectly lovely weddings on a shoe string.  But like every industry it relies on hard selling a dream for one day, usually far and above what people would spend left to their own devices.  Everything just gets bigger and more expensive and usually involves paying for other peoples clothing, meals and entertainment.  Often couples  end up having to invite people who they don't actually want there, but its expected in some way.  What starts off as a small intimate group ends up with a list of 200.

My thoughts are that if the youngest is given £20K and has the choice of spending it all on one day, or decide to set aside some of it for something more lasting. Its different when you are spending it yourself.