Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give two of our daughters cash in lieu of paying for their weddings?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Our youngest daughter is getting married and we've offered to foot most of the bill for the wedding, which will be around £20,000. We have two other daughters, who have both made it clear they don't plan to wed at all. Should we gift them the same amount in lieu of being able to pay for their weddings? Or maintain that the money's there for them if they do later choose to wed?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

 If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
 Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.
 View past Money Moral Dilemmas.

elsien

Never say never.  20 grand is very generous for a wedding, I have to say. Can you afford to give the other two an equal amount now?

I’m one of the never getting married brigade so I was given a cash amount equivalent to what was donated to my siblings wedding. on the understanding that if I ever change my mind and get married, I’d be paying for it myself. 

Mine went towards my house deposit instead.
I think you need to consider what your expectations would be for any money that you gift. Because if your children blow it on something that you consider to be frivolous and a waste of money that could cause friction. so is the gift going to be with any strings attached? 

Emmia

elsien said:

Never say never.  20 grand is very generous for a wedding, I have to say. Can you afford to give the other two an equal amount now?

I’m one of the never getting married brigade so I was given a cash amount equivalent to what was donated to my siblings wedding. on the understanding that if I ever change my mind and get married, I’d be paying for it myself. 

Mine went towards my house deposit instead.
I think you need to consider what your expectations would be for any money that you gift. Because if your children blow it on something that you consider to be frivolous and a waste of money that could cause friction. so is the gift going to be with any strings attached? 

I'd say £20k is generous, but weddings can be expensive. It depends how this is put - if you can afford it, give all three daughters £20k each now.

Daughter A can choose to spend all of this in her wedding, or she might choose a smaller / cheaper event and to save the rest.

Daughters B&C should be free to choose how to spend the money - this might be sensible (property, investment in a qualification for a career change) or frivolous (a sports car,  round the world cruise, designer handbag...) but it is up to them as the money is theirs, no strings.

mlz1413

I guess their ages could come into this.   As in, the daughter marrying is the youngest child but the other 2 daughters much older and settled down?

Or are the others travelling the world or at uni studying for a career as a lawyer.

I guess that you need to decide if you gift the money or give it when there is life event that YOU want to give money towards. 

Edited as re-read and saw it says youngest is marrying 

Emmia

I'd also say, if you're not giving to all of them at the same time, this gift should (for fairness) be reflected in your will to even things up. 

Benthebadger

Assuming you have actually got 60k to give away all at once, why not ask your other 2 daughters what they would like to do? I think that financially, it's best to be even-handed with all offspring to prevent resentment. You could leave it in your will but in the hope that you have a long life, its worth will be very depleted by then. What a generous parent you are! Hope the wedding is wonderful 

Archergirl

The thing I hate about these is the OP will never answer..........

shirleyamj

20k is a lot. What if one does decide to marry but only wants a small wedding ?  If you can afford it, offer the cash now to the others. It may save resentment between them. As others have pointed out, once its given, its theirs to spend as they wish. So make sure you won't have any resentment too. 

Rocketdogroya

Giving one child 20k is kinda favouritism. Not to the child but to the lifestyle she is choosing. you are basically saying its ok to 'waste' 20k on one wonderful day but unless you do this out dated convention we choose not to keep this fair. The others may not desire to be married or havent found the right person yet but even so you are basically saying daugther A is living the life 'we want' so we are gifting her 20k. If the others are in committed relationships maybe a 20k gift can bring them an experience to remember for the rest of their lives too, like a round the world cruise etc, or help get on the property ladder or more importantly get out of debt if they have any. Just make sure you stipulate if they do get married you wont be paying for it!

iclayt

If you have already committed to giving the £20k to one, then yes out of fairness you should give the same to the other two.

I would suggest reframing it to all of them as "Here is £20k of your inheritance early to spend or save as you see fit". 

grassmarket

elsien said:

if your children blow it on something that you consider to be frivolous and a waste of money that could cause friction. 

If you can afford £20k each & they could all do with a boost - give it freely now, with no strings attached.
Many would consider that blowing £20k on a wedding is just as frivolous/waste of money as a car or holiday. 

But giving a hefty sum to one & not the others is likely to cause friction - unless they all agree. As would giving to them all & then trying to influence how they spend it. So if you feel you can’t give freely - just keep it.