Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give two of our daughters cash in lieu of paying for their weddings?

JayD

I agree with Emmia

" if you can afford it, give all three daughters £20k each now."

on the understanding that this is a one off gift to each of them to spend as they wish, explaining that you know that one may well choose to spend it towards their wedding but you want to be fair to all of them. Also that, should the others eventually choose to marry, you will consider that you have already contributed to their weddings. It is, totally a one off to each of them.

Eatsruns

My dad once told me he would give me $10,000 and it was up to me whether I spent it on a house or a wedding. This was all a long time ago and in New Zealand. In the end he gave me a lot more than that, and I bought a tiny flat in London. Then posthumously a lot more, via a gift from my mother. I am an only daughter - though my parents have given similar to my brother (who is married - I am told to expect more in the will, as his wife has similar expectations to him, and the entirety of two families' wealth will end up going to their children anyway. My brother is an executor of my will and has seen a copy!). 

If you can afford it there may be no sense in holding on to it. Better to pass the wealth on while you are still alive, and presumably your daughters could really use it. 

tony_c_4

Passing on money to your children now rather than when you pass is helping them at a time of their lives when they might be stretched financially.

2702

You could ask them what they would like. I would be inclined to give the other two the money now. It does not matter what they spend it on it is their choice. Spending £20k on a wedding could be considered frivolous it is only one day.
I gave my son money and I have really enjoyed watching him spend/grow it which I would not have seen if I had left it to him in my will.

grassmarket

Can any forumites provide another cultural perspective? 

For example, DESI friends say gold jewellery is given to daughters on marriage - at which point they might choose to sell it & use proceeds for other purposes. In these days of high house prices - would DESI give gold for a house deposit instead? 

gloriouslyhappy

If you can afford it, give each daughter £20k now, and leave a paper trail / email to all three stating if the other two decide to wed later, there’ll be no contribution to costs.

The other two can spend it on whatever they wish - personally I think £20k for a wedding is ridiculous but that’s just me. It states you’re covering most of the costs so I hope you have a spreadsheet of what you’re paying out and if it ends up under £20k you’ll give that daughter the balance. What you do towards the other two if the costs overrun is up to you - if it’s significantly over then in the interest of fairness you should top up the other girls’ amounts too.

£5k on the wedding and £15 on a car / savings bond towards a house deposit seems much more reasonable to me - who cares if the wedding venue chairs have covers with pretty ribbons?!

MeteredOut

Archergirl said:

The thing I hate about these is the OP will never answer..........

The OP doesn't necessarily frequent these boards. These are made up stories to garnish clicks people who have emailed queries into MSE.

ButterCheese

A few points to make.  Firstly a gift should not have conditions attached, else it's not a gift.  So if you give the other daughters 20k now, you can't get mad at them if they blow it on a car or a fancy watch.  

Secondly: saving it for "whenever they get married" I think is a bad idea.  They'll feel that the money is theirs NOW but are being denied access to it.  Also, if they get married in 10 or 20 years time, the cost of an equivalent wedding will have gone up so in effect they'll be getting less.  

Give your gifts now all at the same time, and make it clear that if the other 2 get married in the future then you've already given them the money.  Make a clear note of it on paper if necessary.  It depends on how you all get on as a family; my family would not need anything in writing as we all value and respect each other fully, but other families may differ

angel549

I have personal experience of this as the daughter - my parents saved £12k for each of us to put towards a wedding. My older sister got married and had hers, but I had always been certain that I didnt want to get married. My parents would always treat us equally, so the money was 'mine', but they didn't want me to blow it on partying or have nothing to show for it. We therefore agreed that I would use it towards a deposit on a mortgage - best decision ever!!!!! I got on the property ladder early and 25 years later, I am in a far better financial position than my sister, and I owe it all to my parents and the 'wedding fund' they save for me. Im grateful to them every day and never forget that I have my beautiful house now with a small mortgage, because they gave me the deposit to buy that little one bed flat at the start.

Funnily enough, I did eventually marry - it cost me less than £200 in total as I did it in a registry office. At 16, I knew I didnt want to have a big wedding, and at 41, I still didnt! 

So my advice - tell them they all get £20k, but you will hold on to it until they want it for a big life event, whether that be a wedding, a deposit on a property, or investing in a business etc. 

kbskylady

First of all, it's lovely that you want each of your 3 daughters to have an equal amount of money made available to them. Very generous, and I assume you can afford to do so. The two not getting married for whatever reasons need to be able to save or spend the generous financial gift as they wish. There should be no strings attached as a gift is a gift. As an aside, when I got married in 2000 we had no jobs, my partner had no living parents, my parents and younger sibling didn't even bother to attend, and we managed to do the whole wedding including register office, clothes, food (self catering) and rings for £2,000. Photos were provided by a friend and the local newspaper, wedding car was our friend's Volvo decorated with willow wands.  Cake was made by the same friends and was unique and beautifully decorated. Our few guests all said it was the most relaxed wedding they had ever attended - no fights or squabbles. It would cost more now simply because of inflation, but I still think weddings need not be expensive.  It's only for one day, after all. What matters is the relationship.  IMO the £20k woud be more wisely spent elsewhere, especially in these difficult times, buying furniture etc., but some women really long for the 'long white dress of love' as Joni Mitchell once sang, so it's up to them. Good luck with your decision. I hope that all your daughters will be happy.