Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give two of our daughters cash in lieu of paying for their weddings?

middlewife

Emmia said:

And if you just gift it when they marry...What if you don't like the chosen Beau? Do you withhold the wedding fund?

My very religious aunt demanded her daughter repay her when first marriage ended in divorce at the age of 20! second marriage ended same way a few years later; she finally has married number 3 who she's been with for 20 plus years. I've never plucked up the courage to ask if she got the money back.....

Exodi

Wow @coxeey your post escalated quickly.

coxeey said:

So if you think it’s  ‘fair’ and give a £20k wedding to one and £20k each to the other two, £60k as stated. 

In a few years time when another meets the right person and you talk to the fiancés parents about their wedding… imagine their reaction when they are told they are not getting any contribution from the brides side as she had the money years before. 

It's a bit odd to put fair in air quotes when describing a scenario where a parent would gift their three children an equal amount of money...

I don't understand why it should be tied to any conditions, like using it towards a wedding either. The logic would be that you gifted one daughter £20k (that she put towards a wedding) and you are gifting the other two daughters £20k to keep things fair.

I suspect you may be a bit older than me, because I suspect the situation you are feeling prematurely insecure about exists only in your head nowadays. Certainly 2 years ago when I got married, there was no expectation on my wifes parents to pay for the wedding (nor on mine - my wife and I personally paid for everything). There was no guilt-tripping of the MIL to pay for everything, or even a conversation about it (even the idea seems alien to me).

If she had received £20k years before and spent it on a deposit, or a car, or a handbag or whatever, then good for her - she shouldn't be forced to solely finance the one day party. Personally I'd say that's a better use of the money in any case.

coxeey said:

When you decide you need to share the wedding costs you will then need to pay the same amount to the other two daughters, or have a family argument. 

And again when the third gets married, it decides Civil relationship is like being married. 

Could cost £60k x 3 + £180k. 

When the first married daughter has a wedding anniversary, do the other two then need the equivalent in money to stay ‘fair’?
When grandchildren arrive, do the other daughters get money at grandchildren’s birthday to make things fair?

This is where it gets a bit silly. A textbook example of the slippery slope fallacy in action.

coxeey said:

If you are giving wedding money to daughters not getting married then at what point do you stop dishing money out to all of them everytime. 

I suspect you are only conflicted on this because you've mentally labelled the money as "wedding money", the idea is far easier to understand if you just consider that you are making 3x £20k gifts, and one just happens to be going towards a wedding.

coxeey said:

I’m surprised at the previous answers on a money forum. 

Why? Being a money saving forum doesn't mean that literally the only thing that is considered is whether it saves money or not as otherwise you'd expect everyone to suggest not to gift any money at all and we'd have a board for shoplifting tips. As well as making smart financial decisions, obviously this forum considers legal, moral and ethical dilemmas - such as treating your children equally and not forcing them to adhere to certain requirements as a condition.

The thread is called 'Money Moral Dilemma' after all.

Greecher

My brother's university fees were paid for by my parents. Twenty years ago, when they retrospectively offered me the same, I rejected their offer. The same brother's wedding was paid for by my parents. They didn't give me the equivalent money then, or since. I'm perfectly fine with that; I'm not greedy, money is not my main motivator, and it is their money to spend as they wish. When they die, my brother and I will each inherit 50% of their remaining estate, and we will each spend, save or invest it as we wish. 

I earn much less money than my brother, and I wish I earnt more, but my life is good and I do not expect to be funded by my parents. (Though of course, I rejected the equivalent university fees when I was young and carefree. If my parents do ever decide to give me the equivalent wedding money, I would probably accept it now. And every time we dine out and they pay, or they throw a little pocket money at my kids, I'm delighted!) 

Groom

I would let them know that the money is available if they do decide to marry or towards the purchase of a house. Or you could have it written into your wills that if they haven't used the money before your death, they receive that amount more than the youngest daughter. 

Bantam53

You are indeed generous. I think, to be fair to your other children, you should give them each the same generous amount but make it clear that there won't be any more should they choose to get married.
Live for 7 years and there won't be tax to pay on the gift either!

kimwp

How is this a dilemma? "We're giving one daughter 20k to spend on a big party to celebrate getting married. Should we discriminate against our other daughters by not giving them similar amounts of money because they don't plan to get married?"

Missy15

If you can afford to do it now, give the 2 other daughters the £20,000 to spend as they fit. Along with the proviso, future weddings would not be paid for.

No one knows what's around the corner,but just remember that if you decide to leave  them the extra cash in your will instead, there may not be  any money left.

If you go into a care home virtually everything will go towards your care.

If you try to give it away, at a later date, just in case  of that possibility, you could be accused of deprivation of assets.

 You also need to be aware of current rules of  gifting cash, Rachel from accounts is coming for everyone's money!

egarobar

You must be crazy, giving that much. They won't appreciate it. It's not good for children to be given handouts - how will they learn how to afford things for themselves if they don't save up for them? Ridiculous. Did your parents do that for you? I pity you if they did. I pity the children of rich people who don't know how to value hard work, and the value of earning what they want to have by their own efforts. 

bikaga

If you can, giving each £20k now is the fairest. Money loses value over time, and if one of them did decide to get married in ten years say, then £20k won't stretch as far, but she could put it in an ISA now and have £30k in ten years' time. Or she can put it into a house deposit, pay £800 mortgage instead of £1300 rent, and save £60k in ten years. Or she can spend it on a one-off thing that makes her happy like a car or a big holiday if she wants to blow it like a wedding would (I'm all for having an expensive wedding if you want to, but likewise weddings can be cheap and cheerful, so I put "expensive wedding" down under "frivolous expenses", and I include my own frivolous wedding there, though it didn't cost £20k )

Oxfordboy

If the other two daughters don't want to wed that's up to them but personally I wouldn't give them the money. So a year or two goes by and they change their minds. Are the parents supposed to stump up an extra £20,000 for their wedding. Then you have daughter that's already married want an extra £20,000. So keep your money until they decide otherwise. Don't be pressured into emotional blackmail either. They made their decision not you.