Money Moral Dilemma: Should we give two of our daughters cash in lieu of paying for their weddings?

Emmia

ripongrammargirl said:

For a money saving forum I would like someone to explain why it costs £20,000 for one day to get married 😱
My wedding was £5000 inclusive of everything (dress, cars, venue, reception, decorations, hair etc) and I hardly recall any of the day so why spend all this money?
I'm also intrigued as to how parents have so much cash to throw about for their offspring’s wedding? 

My husband and I paid for everything at our marriage and never dreamed of asking my parents.
We spent £8000 (and negotiated that down from £10k) on our 3 week honeymoon (£1500 gifts from our wedding guests as we both owned our home so it seemed the sensible thing to do as we didn’t need anything material) to Australia which was money well spent. 

If you have spent on one child then the others should get a similar amount, better giving now than waiting for inheritance tax and carers’ bills to take it all!
Very lucky children is all I can really say. Could you please send me some cash if you are so rich?!!

I know someone who spent £30k on a wedding about 10 years ago. The marriage lasted 3 months, before they separated. A decade on, he was still repaying the loan.

I don't begrudge people spending on a wedding or cars or whatever... As long as they can afford it.

Also number of guests, free bar or not all could influence cost - if you have 300 people, then £20k isn't so bad

Exodi

ripongrammargirl said:

For a money saving forum I would like someone to explain why it costs £20,000 for one day to get married 😱
My wedding was £5000 inclusive of everything (dress, cars, venue, reception, decorations, hair etc) and I hardly recall any of the day so why spend all this money?

When did you get married?

Mine was £6.5k 2 years ago, and like you we were extremely thrifty with it (rented a village hall, decorated it all ourselves with bits from China, 'catering' was done in collaboration with a local pizzeria so massive amounts of money saved there, dress was ~£100, cake was from a talented girl off facebook, etc).

But it was easy to see how you could go mad, if you didn't reign it in.

Easy to drop £5k on a venue.
Easy to drop £2k on a dress/accessories.
Easy to drop £1k on flowers.
Catering can be £75 per person, so for 65 people you're at £5k
Photographer £1.5k
DJ £1k 
Wedding Cake £500
Bride make up/hair £500 
Rings £2k

Decorations, suits, stationary, registry fees, transport, bar, favours, etc

Some of these figures could even be seen to be on the low end, I guess my point is it's very easy to spend £20k+ on a wedding if you get swept away by expectations and romance. If you have a hundreds of people, £20k could be seen as a bargain.

It took a considerable amount of effort to get our wedding to ~£6.5k (without it looking like it was done on the cheap), I can totally see how people can sleepwalk into spending a fortune.

I remember attending one wedding where the groom got exceptionally drunk and looked generally depressed near the end of the night as the reality of how much had been spent on this one night had sunk in, and how long it would now take to pay back.

coxeey

So if you think it’s  ‘fair’ and give a £20k wedding to one and £20k each to the other two, £60k as stated. 

In a few years time when another meets the right person and you talk to the fiancés parents about their wedding… imagine their reaction when they are told they are not getting any contribution from the brides side as she had the money years before. 

When you decide you need to share the wedding costs you will then need to pay the same amount to the other two daughters, or have a family argument. 

And again when the third gets married, it decides Civil relationship is like being married. 

Could cost £60k x 3 + £180k. 

When the first married daughter has a wedding anniversary, do the other two then need the equivalent in money to stay ‘fair’?
 When grandchildren arrive, do the other daughters get money at grandchildren’s birthday to make things fair?
 If you are giving wedding money to daughters not getting married then at what point do you stop dishing money out to all of them everytime. 

I’m surprised at the previous answers on a money forum. 

Lots of people say they are not getting married but I don’t think there are many women that don’t get married eventually. 

If one daughter needed an important operation and had to go private, funded by a parent… you would need to give the same amount to the other two daughters. 

When mine got married I did contribute but only when they got married. 

I don’t need excuses to give money to them, I can do that anytime. 

And I do it when they need it. 

Emmia

coxeey said:

So if you think it’s  ‘fair’ and give a £20k wedding to one and £20k each to the other two, £60k as stated. 

In a few years time when another meets the right person and you talk to the fiancés parents about their wedding… imagine their reaction when they are told they are not getting any contribution from the brides side as she had the money years before. 

When you decide you need to share the wedding costs you will then need to pay the same amount to the other two daughters, or have a family argument. 

And again when the third gets married, it decides Civil relationship is like being married. 

Could cost £60k x 3 + £180k. 

When the first married daughter has a wedding anniversary, do the other two then need the equivalent in money to stay ‘fair’?
 When grandchildren arrive, do the other daughters get money at grandchildren’s birthday to make things fair?
 If you are giving wedding money to daughters not getting married then at what point do you stop dishing money out to all of them everytime. 

I’m surprised at the previous answers on a money forum. 

Lots of people say they are not getting married but I don’t think there are many women that don’t get married eventually. 

If one daughter needed an important operation and had to go private, funded by a parent… you would need to give the same amount to the other two daughters. 

When mine got married I did contribute but only when they got married. 

I don’t need excuses to give money to them, I can do that anytime. 

And I do it when they need it. 

I'm not sure there is a need to give £20k to each of them each time one of them gets married - give them all £20k each, the first one can spend it on the wedding if she chooses, the others can spend it on their weddings if they choose... Or a house deposit or whatever.

I personally think the couple should pay for the wedding, but parents can gift money towards it if they want and can afford to. There shouldn't be any expectation of parental contributions by either side.

Shell1989

Give £20k to all three daughters and let them spend it how they see fit. 

Hazelnutty

Yes, I find the hangover of outdated ideas about the bride's (specifically) parents paying for weddings a bit weird - why would *that* be the thing that gifts of money are attached to, especially for daughters? Couples should assume they're paying for their own weddings as @Emmia says and parents gift if they like. So what if a second daughter eventually gets married? If she's had the gift already and spent it on a house deposit what's the issue? She and her partner can fund the wedding however they like - if we're free of those outdated ideas there should be no expectation of a further parental contribution. Fairness is a good principle, as is to gift without strings, but I just don't follow the logic that that means the parents are endlessly dishing out money. 

Emmia

Also to take @coxeey's point a bit further - if you only gift at weddings and for operations, what happens if the daughter who gets married also needs a private operation, but her sisters do not marry and are fortunate to remain in excellent health...

Does daughter A get two bites of the parental money fruit, but the others none? That is likely to create resentment.

And if you just gift it when they marry...What if you don't like the chosen Beau? Do you withhold the wedding fund? Do you use the money to dictate aspects of the wedding - it must be in a church, you get approval of the guest list, colour of the bridesmaids dresses etc.


Gift one time and equally without strings. Let the recipients choose how to spend it.

Southendormargate

Sounds like you have money to burn

MeteredOut

If MSE really wanted to make this thread interesting, they should have thrown a son into the sibling mix too, and get the "OP" to suggest they'd not get the £20K.

middlewife

my oldest son gets married next week. He has a twin brother, older sister aged 32 and younger brother aged 25. |They have all been told there is a "big ticket item" sum of cash available once. We offered to son getting married who said thanks and took money. We asked the others if they could stagger their requests (!) as some of it is tied up in fixed savings for now. 
Twin son has also been with partner for 8 years but doesn't plan to marry any time soon, other 2 are single. Have advised that we will give it to them anyway within 5 years so at least it can earn interest until they decide what to do with it. A gift is a gift and it's theirs to spend it on whatever they choose.....although nowhere near enough for a house deposit in SE England