Juggling mum/work life, whilst looking after my future self, both financially & healthily

Humdinger1

@missymoo81 you're doing brilliantly but it's so hard to see from the inside.  Finding that still quiet place is key for me.  I think living in the overwhelm is normal now and we need to give ourselves permission to practice self care but if we don't the whole thing falls apart.  Fab that work has acknowledged you.  You don't just exist to enable everyone else darling.   Please keep posting love Humdinger xx 

missymoo81

Hi,

I’m so sorry for not posting before, I have tried 3 x but am having problems with my phone, I can write whole posts or messages then my screen just stops being touch screen and I can’t press anything, so I have to resort to switching my phone off and on, so I lose everything!!! So very frustrating, but let’s try again….

Thank you @Humdinger1 such a lovely message really touched my heart. 

So update on life and money. I seem to have spent a million pounds this month on food, running children around and clubs, oh and clothes. Am well into my huge OD without a hope of getting out of it next month even after payday. I will still be in it to the sum of around £400. I wish I could find some things to sell to get rid of it but hard as I try I just can’t seem to get out of it. I am getting cross with myself, as every month I have these big plans of spending nothing and getting out of it but it doesn’t materialise. Mostly I would say due to being time poor and stressed from work all of the time that I often go for the easy option with most things which costs more.

Speaking of work….Work has been ridiculous and I seem to spend all of my time either at work, or asleep on the sofa. Moral is super low at work as so many people losing their jobs. With more to come in March and then there are rumours of company folding or being moved countries, but that would take time…. I have looked for other jobs, but I love my job all be it far too busy and stressful, but anything else isn’t in the same industry which is fine apart from I don’t have the right qualifications for other industries of which seems to be a must, in fact I have few qualifications actually for anything most of my experience is life experience….. and anything else pays £10-15k less of which I couldn’t actually live on. 

With regards to promotion and or pay rise, paperwork is in for a pay rise but have been told if accepted it will be minimal… great! 🤦🏻‍♀️ which is annoying but understandable when everyone else is losing their jobs, I am very grateful to actually have one right now, but still….

Money has been disappearing due to still having car loan and now stupid CC to pay back for fixing said car. I have dentist bills next week which aren’t going to be small either. I’m trying to get back on an even keel and have everything paid off by June, which is when the remortgage is due. Which are what the current monthly amounts bring me to, so am on track, it’s just so difficult paying £600 a month for a car I hate but can’t sell as just isn’t worth it.

Other monetary problems …OH has about 6 days work between now and Xmas…. He had more with my work but it all fell through, and it was me that had to tell him 🤦🏻‍♀️.  It’s very difficult as he gets paid a lot for what he does but it seems to be very few and far between and the moment and last minute. We have talked about an adhoc job in between times but doing what? And he’s at risk of losing the other work as and when it comes up and pays 3 x more….. as he needs to be available with very little notice.…. Unfortunately We had words the other night on how was he going to pay his share of the bills etc as I don’t earn enough to cover them and we had a blazing row, both were stressed and tired. He’s a very proud man and his work pays super well when it comes about…. But…. Bills need to be paid… ‘sigh’ I hate arguing, especially about money. Been walking around on eggshells ever since! 

I am going to try and have (another) pull in the purse strings month…. I have allocated each £ from when I get paid on Friday a job. But for once, being realistic about it. And not setting stupidly low amounts for things like fuel when I know I have no choice but to buy fuel to get to work and I can’t make it any less. Car is also due for MOT next month which I am not looking forward to as needs 2 new tyres too 🤦🏻‍♀️, I have allocated £250, am very much hoping it is less. And it is also Roos birthday next month…

Need to invoice for adhoc work I have done and expenses from last work trip but that is accounted for, but is just a reminder.

I think we have enough food for the week. OH and Roo seem to eat me out of house and home constantly though. I need to find filling recipes. I made calzone for dinner last night and they were so big, we have saved half for lunch today, I could always try making some pasties for lunch in this half term I guess. I made soup and HM bread for lunch yesterday and I thought it was lovely but I could tell OH didn’t think it was a meal and May didn’t like it but wouldn’t say…. ‘Sigh’

I have just noticed how windy it is! Really do need to do some washing and get it on the line drying, as there is a mountain, the washing fairy has obv been too busy working to do washing…..🤦🏻‍♀️

Ok I think that is all for now! Thanks again for reading, I always do appreciate you being along for the journey.

jwil

Nice to hear from you Missy.  Sorry things are hectic and you have a lot going on.

What is OH doing to support you?  If he's not working much at the moment, can he not take on some of the running around/household tasks?  You seem to be trying to do everything and burning yourself out/emotional spending as a result.  

missymoo81

Thanks @jwil I always appreciate your comments. OH is helping a lot, when he’s not at work, he’s picking the children up from school and making lunches and dinners. So he is super helpful. But I still try and do the lions share, as they’re not his children and I don’t ever want him to feel taken for granted or put upon. 

fionaandphil

I was going to say the same as @jwil if OH isn't working he could be doing more. Even just hanging up the washing if you put it on before work? 

I would give him a challenge of creating cheap filling meals too if he isnt happy with what you're having. 

If you are in a financial mess you will have to work together to get out of it.

In terms of work, could he sign on to be a delivery driver or warehouse work with an agency? Not perfect but at least some extra money coming in.

Try not to exhaust yourself. Hope you get to have a bit of a break with half term and get some free or cheap days with the kids. 

warby68

I haven't read every post but can see you're in a really tough place, needing 2 secure full time incomes and only have 1 (insecure) and 1(infrequent). The young family stage can be so difficult with not many things that can be flexed. So I am posting just with a bit of sincere sympathy.

It does seem like a lot of the mental load falls on you for whatever reasons. Its no surprise you and OH need little to cause a flare up. Again, that struck a chord.

Sometimes surviving is good enough and holding the debt as it is also good - you cannot extract the proverbial from a stone.

I'm not sure where you can go longer term from here but did wonder if OH would be open to a seasonal job just as a means to an end? 

 

Spendless

Nice to hear from you missy. I agree with the others, Ive said before you're going to meet yourself coming backwards with all the balls you are juggling.

I think soup and HM bread is fair enough for lunch tbh, what do they usually eat?I could maybe see the point if youd served it for an evening meal. Was it the flavour that was disliked?  I love HM veg soup, meat ones not so much but dislike tomato ones cos it just tastes like Im eating a can of tinned tomatoes to me.

Re the clothes. What were these for. Kids growth spurts or specialised clothing or needed due to gap un wardrobe. If it was just to buy something cos you needed a 'mood lift' then is there any chance you could return for a refund? I work in a ladies clothes store we do a generous 28 day refund so long as youve kept your receipt, so dont assume youll be too late. 

missymoo81

Thank you @fionaandphil I appreciate you thinking of me. And yes we do need to work together to sort everything. And he does indeed hang up the washing although, far too close together on the clothes horse so it doesn’t quite dry but at least he’s tried. And I would love to give him the task of making cheap filling meals but he would fail at the very first hurdle and just buy food with money he doesn’t have… he’s the kind of person that uses a whole tin of tuna for 1 sandwich…..

And thank you, I’ve suggested delivery driving and warehouse work but when he looked, it is minimum wage which is a bit of struggle.. but obv something is better than nothing if it’s odd days. Other work there are 2 very feasible options, but both cost money to register and you have to do some courses and take 2 months before you can start work…. Which doesn’t really help our current situation.

Thank you so much for posting @warby68, I really do appreciate the kind words and sympathy. I know many others are doing more and struggling far more than me, I just didn’t expect life to be quite this hard and exhausting! I’m a fixer by personality and feel the need to fix everything and make everyone happy…. But I’m struggling to do that at the moment. 

Lovely to see you @Spendless (Spendels, in my head)  thank you for posting, I know I do need to slow down. And the clothes were wants not needs from Vinted. I could resell them but I have already happily worn them, and sharing them with May as she seems to fit into all if my stuff now!

Haven't achieved anything at all today, OH has been vertigo ish Ill, I say ish as he’s never had it but is all heavy-headed and dizzy. I had to spend £3 oddon travel sickness tablets to see if they got rid of the moving sensation… he’s got a day of work tomorrow, which of course he doesn’t want to cancel…. Im hoping he feels better in the morning…..

And so the merry go round of work starts again tomorrow. I just want to have a good long time off, but I don’t have any leave to use until Christmas. I have a couple of odd days which I’m taking 1 next week and then 1 the week after.  And it’s really starting to sink in I might not have a job this time next year, so I feel very unsettled and out of sorts. Will try and remain positive. 

debtfreewannabe321

You're really going through it at the mo, I hope that something changes soon for you (in a positive way of course!) and those days off you have are you able to just stop and be ...I know I'm a nightmare for using my day off in the week to do all my jobs and appointments so I'm not one to preach 😆 but it sounds like you need a lazy day. 

Slowdown

Hi. 

I’ve read your whole diary in the last couple of days. Well done you for even getting out of bed in the morning. It’s hard. 

I can deeply empathise with some of your difficulties. Not the job insecurity as my DH and I both had secure posts in public sector education but the overwhelm, long working days, 3 growing children (not without their troubles), overdrafts and credit cards, lack of sleep, time, self care. 

It wasn’t until DH was diagnosed with cancer that things began to make sense. We became very grateful for every tiny good point in life and began to put aside the parts of life over which we had no control. I began to look at the Roman Stoic philosophy and realised that much of life is outside my control. I turned focus to what I could control. 

I feel there are little things that might help you on your journey too. You can control what sandwiches you take to work but not how much tuna your OH decides to put in his. You can’t control the decisions made by the higher ups at work but you can control how much time and effort you put into your own job in accordance with how much you believe your pay grade justifies. You cannot control the school’s response to May but you can control how much extra positive help you give her in whatever form (maybe that’s just hugs and gentle affirmations) and how much you choose to push for more support. 

You can only control your own thoughts and actions (including your reactions to others
 behaviour). All else is out of your control. 
Once I realised this my life became more manageable. It takes practice. But asking myself “Do I have control over this?” Out loud made me stop and think. And often the answer was no. I would then turn my attention to something I could control even if it was just sitting with a cup of tea to mull things over. 

I realise that was a long post but I just wanted to share something with you that got me through some difficult times. 

Keep going. One day at a time. One decision at a time. We’re all just trying our best to get through. Xx