Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay Mum back after she replaced my gift to my aunt without asking me?

Emerion

If your mum had a very good reason for thinking your gift was a bad idea, she should have discussed it with you. Changing it without your knowledge was rude and patronising.  Seriously, how bad would the gift have to be to justify this high-handed behaviour? What happened to “it’s the thought that counts“? And on top of that piece of cheek, she wants to be reimbursed for her un-asked for replacement? That’s actually quite funny. No, absolutely not. Make it quite clear that this was not acceptable behaviour, and next year post your gift. 

Emerion

ripongrammargirl said:

Absolutely NO to paying your mum for a present she swapped for something she approved of! What a nerve.
Gifts are so difficult. My sister bought me some hand creams for Christmas last year which were no good due a skin condition, of which she knew about (she has always been difficult) so as it was a gift receipt I took it back to the shop (“not just any shop”… you get the idea?) to exchange it for suitable goods. However, not known to me (and probably many of their customers) they decided it is their policy to inform the buyer that the gift was exchanged (just unbelievable) and this has now resulted in her completely ignoring me from that day when she sent a very curt and hurtful text (I could die tomorrow and she wouldn’t care, not informed of anything happening in her life etc). When we complained to the store they literally didn’t care that this family breakdown had occurred as it was “their policy”, so on the basis of my horrid experience I would say always be careful of what you buy, whom you buy for and where you buy if you still want relatives to speak to you. It’s just shocking what some retailers do and your mum sounds like she is making up her own rules, just like this awful shop that I will never visit again. 

Best just not to buy. A visit is probably worth more to older relatives anyway or just make up an “essentials” box of stuff like toiletries, canned goods etc that you know will be used. This is what I do now so nobody can complain. 

Oh no! So my sister in law knows that I returned her gift from “not just any” shop last year?! She would never mention it if she does, so I had no idea. Why on earth would they do that ?! 

Mother_of_Many

Sorry that it seems you have a very controlling mother….i had the same, but have had to distance myself. This is exactly the sort of thing mine would have done (she would always give things to people signed from me that I had no idea about, sometimes travelling across London to deliver items to friends of mine she had perhaps met once or twice). You have my sympathies. It’s not normal and stems from their own inflated sense of importance. I would go as far as saying it is emotional abuse to be honest as she is trying to undermine you and make you doubt your abilities.
i would send your thing to your aunt. Explain your mum decided to replace your present without your knowledge….then make sure to let your mum know you’ve done that and that you aren’t paying for an additional gift that SHE chose to send to someone.
next I would ask her how she would like if someone treated her so badly.
lastly, I would book in for some counselling….does your mother do other odd things? I imagine yes! 

Good luck! I never managed to get my mother to change, just read a lot on narcissistic mothers which had massively helped my understanding!

uk2009

With a lot of these dilemmas there is information we are not told. How much was your gift? Your Mum's gift? Do you think your gift was unsuitable after all? Do you get on ok with your Mum/Aunt etc? Are you working? Could you give your gift to someone else or get a refund?
If its small/same value I'd say refund her otherwise no unless you can give yours to someone else or get a full refund.

Eccentrica_Gallumbits

Personally, I would repay my mother because she would *probably* have had a good reason for substituting the gift I had intended to give my aunt. I would ask her what the reason was and wait to hear her response. If it was outrageous and unjustifiable (ie if it didn't have something like "preventing ME from the embarrassment of giving a gift that was inappropriate in some way" at its heart), then I would still refund her.

However, I would make sure she knew I took a dim view of her replacing it without consulting me or asking for my agreement, and I would tell her clearly that if she ever did that again, I would NOT refund her for the item she had chosen to substitute. Because the thing is, there's no indication here of the mother having tried to call you but being unable to reach you for some reason. It seems that she may not have felt she needed to ask if her adult child needed her assistance in this matter!

I think your mother has some issues with boundaries here. You may still be her "child" but you are an adult who chose the gift for your aunt with thought, I'm sure. Parents who still treat their adult children as dependent children make me cross. I had one or two issues like this with my own parents even as late as in my early 40s! It's not acceptable behaviour and will only lead to resentment.

Hodgie

There are a lot of unknowns here; does your mom normally get your gifts for your aunt, are you of an age where it would be appropriate for her to do so, did you simply assume that she would take the gift without asking. or is your mom showing signs of aging?
However, on the info given, it was very kind of your mom to provide an additional gift for your aunt and you should explain this to your aunt and tell her that your original gift is in the post.
As for refunding your mom, if you do so this, or similar actions, might take place again.  If you refuse to refund her then it’s unlikely to.
Tell mom that you will not refund her and that you will make your own arrangements to get gifts to your aunt in future.

HampshireH

ripongrammargirl said:

Absolutely NO to paying your mum for a present she swapped for something she approved of! What a nerve.
Gifts are so difficult. My sister bought me some hand creams for Christmas last year which were no good due a skin condition, of which she knew about (she has always been difficult) so as it was a gift receipt I took it back to the shop (“not just any shop”… you get the idea?) to exchange it for suitable goods. However, not known to me (and probably many of their customers) they decided it is their policy to inform the buyer that the gift was exchanged (just unbelievable) and this has now resulted in her completely ignoring me from that day when she sent a very curt and hurtful text (I could die tomorrow and she wouldn’t care, not informed of anything happening in her life etc). When we complained to the store they literally didn’t care that this family breakdown had occurred as it was “their policy”, so on the basis of my horrid experience I would say always be careful of what you buy, whom you buy for and where you buy if you still want relatives to speak to you. It’s just shocking what some retailers do and your mum sounds like she is making up her own rules, just like this awful shop that I will never visit again. 

Best just not to buy. A visit is probably worth more to older relatives anyway or just make up an “essentials” box of stuff like toiletries, canned goods etc that you know will be used. This is what I do now so nobody can complain. 

I cannot see anything in their policy which suggests they do this so I would have been putting in a proper complaint and asking exactly where this is published

LAMBS60

Just give the present to your Mum instead . Tell her that you don’t want to spend the money twice and that her actions have upset you . However , you give no clues about ages ( you , Mum or Auntie) no indication of money spent or why your Mum bought a different present . Have you both discussed this ? Is it the sort of thing that she has done before ? If it’s completely out of character, then is she unwell ? There are other things to be known before advice is offered . 

grassmarket

ripongrammargirl said:

Absolutely NO to paying your mum for a present she swapped for something she approved of! What a nerve.
Gifts are so difficult. My sister bought me some hand creams for Christmas last year which were no good due a skin condition, of which she knew about (she has always been difficult) so as it was a gift receipt I took it back to the shop (“not just any shop”… you get the idea?) to exchange it for suitable goods. However, not known to me (and probably many of their customers) they decided it is their policy to inform the buyer that the gift was exchanged (just unbelievable) and this has now resulted in her completely ignoring me from that day when she sent a very curt and hurtful text (I could die tomorrow and she wouldn’t care, not informed of anything happening in her life etc). When we complained to the store they literally didn’t care that this family breakdown had occurred as it was “their policy”, so on the basis of my horrid experience I would say always be careful of what you buy, whom you buy for and where you buy if you still want relatives to speak to you. It’s just shocking what some retailers do and your mum sounds like she is making up her own rules, just like this awful shop that I will never visit again. 

Best just not to buy. A visit is probably worth more to older relatives anyway or just make up an “essentials” box of stuff like toiletries, canned goods etc that you know will be used. This is what I do now so nobody can complain. 

Rather ironic that - given your own experience - you still suggest giving toiletries to older relatives! 🤷‍♀️ Aren’t they allowed to have skin conditions too? And how do you think your older relatives would feel, being given a food-bank-style box of stuff they’re perfectly capable of buying themselves? 

ShinyStarlight1

That’s quite dominating behaviour by the mother. 

I wouldn’t reimburse her, and from then on I would deal directly with other members of my family and build up 1-1 relationships with them, as adults.