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Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give my child money for a property as I gave the others wedding money?

MSE_Laura_F
MSE_Laura_F Posts: 1,603 MSE Staff
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This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I have three children in their 30s. Two are married, and I contributed towards the cost of both weddings. My other child, who is single, purchased a property on their own and I lent them money towards the deposit. The amount they borrowed is similar to what I gifted towards each wedding - is it fair to expect them to repay it, or should I say it's a gift in lieu of contributing towards a wedding?

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Comments

  • Brie
    Brie Posts: 12,411 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    Your choice.  What if child3 decides to marry?  Will you not contribute?  Would they ask you to?

    Not sure if there is a difference for IHT if that a difference - I do know there's something about gifts for weddings but not for buying houses.  And all 3 would be investigated if there's any issue of deprivation of assets - only a problem if you need care help from the local authority at any point in the future.
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  • FlorayG
    FlorayG Posts: 801 Forumite
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    It's entirely up to you. My parents paid a huge amount for my sister's wedding but I never got married so I missed out on that. On the other hand, they gave me a significant deposit for my first house because I had one income and my sister had her husband's as well. That was their decision entirely. Do whatever you want with your own money
  • denem
    denem Posts: 8 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker First Post
    Be kind. Cancel her debt to you, and if she gets married don't withhold a subsequent gift. I'm quite sure your married children who are presumably earning two wages per couple, will understand.
  • I got no financial help from my parents with either of the 2 mortgages I had. Even when I lost my job because of a major illness, I sold my possessions and car before I went to my parents in tears because I had no money for my mortgage payment. They very grudgingly lent me 2 months mortgage- I was living on 2 cup a soups a week without heating or electric as I couldn’t afford it- and said I had to pay it back in 6 months with interest.  My husband and I then also paid for our £3000 wedding and £6000 Australia honeymoon, except for my dress (£300) and the car (which was mates rates for a classic car hire). It was all really tough and seemed very unfair but I learned lessons that instead of working 60 hour weeks (job I lost) I then had to work 127 hours a week just so could afford my payments and debts. People really need to learn how to pay themself for  what they want and stop relying on the bank of mum and dad.
  • bikaga
    bikaga Posts: 172 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Name Dropper
    I'd definitely offer to let them keep it - with the option to repay it and get a contribution to any potential future wedding. Partners are easier to come by than affordable housing ;)
  • 04Felix15
    04Felix15 Posts: 12 Forumite
    10 Posts First Anniversary
    Mum or Dad whoever is asking this… 

    Of course, they shouldn’t have to pay it back.
    Especially if it’s the exact or similar amount you gave the other children. 
    All you have to say to the single child, if you decide to get married, you won’t be getting a contribution because you have had yours in the form of a deposit for your property. 
    You say the same to the married couples if they do not have a property; if they decide to purchase one you had money off me for your wedding. 

    Everyone should be happy or they are ungrateful. 
    Your being a good fair parent now go and put your feet up and watch Martin Lewis it’s almost 8pm.  

  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,341 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    People I know that have gifted house deposits to their offspring  have to sign something  to say the amount is a gift and not a loan. If that applies you wouldn't be able to ask for it back anyway so its a gift. 

  • keithyno.1
    keithyno.1 Posts: 114 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Tell your single child it's a gift in lieu of contributing towards a wedding (that way all 3 of your children will have had roughly the same from you). But also tell them if they subsequently decide to get married, they pay for it themselves. 
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