Simple Funerals question.

DigForVictory

My lads have had the misfortune to be in the front pew at two funerals before they were 21. They've been to a funeral directors, to the registrar, they know how the game is played. So I've been clear that they can do a simple thing if they want but then with all the money set aside, I want an extended family knees-up (of the sort they're [apparently] terrified of) as a 'celebration of the life', where they can hear the other side of the stories I've told my side of, & a few of the stories I never got around to. I've even drafted my death notice for them (with places to insert partners & offspring names, and a few other quirks that only someone who compiles family trees for fun could possibly appreciate). Wonderful what practice does. 
My only concern with an unattended cremation is the paperwork for what to legitimately do with the ashes, as relocating a container from one graveyard to another is apparently strictly an exhumation.

jackieblack

DigForVictory said:

My only concern with an unattended cremation is the paperwork for what to legitimately do with the ashes, as relocating a container from one graveyard to another is apparently strictly an exhumation.

But it’s not moving anything from one graveyard to another, it’s a cremation with the ashes delivered the nominated person, just like any other cremation where the ashes are returned to the funeral director to be collected by the NOK

jackieblack

CapricornLass said:

I have mixed feelings of direct cremations v simple services.  You may feel your children/family won't be bothered by having a service, but grief is a funny old thing, and I think it helps to have a defined space to come together with the deceased to acknowledge someone's passing and to say goodbye.

Fair enough.
I don’t agree, but each to their own…
And if my family want some kind of service (although I can’t imagine for one second that they will)  there’s nothing to stop them arranging one. I just won’t be there. 

Newly_retired

My husband left no instructions, but had told me he wanted to be buried, but not in the cemetery where his parents and other relatives were buried. So it was up to me. I visited a woodland burial site near me, and it was so beautiful and peaceful, that I chose it for him- and bought a plot next to his for me. I arranged a very simple service, and my grandson used Spotify to play the music I had chosen on his speaker. Everyone said how beautiful it was, and very private, just for the family. I think he would have approved.
A month later, we had a service of thanksgiving in church, attended either in person or online by many who knew him. He wouldn’t have liked being in the limelight, but it was the right thing. It certainly helped us all.
So whatever form it takes, I believe a funeral is as much for the living as for the dead. Respect their wishes if it suits, but maybe the family have different needs and ideas. 

RAS

Once upon a time, an elderly family member died far from where they'd lived for many years. They'd instructed that they wanted cremation local to their place of death. We honoured their instructions. 

That caused a lot of angst where they'd previously lived, so we promised a local memorial service. The vicar was prepared to host as long as we made all the arrangements. Their old local church was filled with some standing at the back. We'd input from local people who'd known them for decades, tales from close family members, a shared photo library and a couple of hymns. Somewhat irreverent, lurching from sorrow to gales of laughter, despite which the vicar was delighted and happy to lead a simple blessing.

The initial funeral service was stark, the memorial service anything but. It very much depends on the social context. Although almost all their contemporaries were dead, our deceased had strong connections over decades which they maintained through correspondence when they left. Others might have spent decades in care with little contact beyond the family.

Iona_Penny

I am an independent funeral celebrant and respect everyones right to have the funeral of their choice. However just a couple of things to consider:
1 the funeral is often for those left behind and not the person who has died; a chance to bid farewell.
2. please talk to local funeral directors rather than a big company paying £££ to advertise on TV. Most will offer a simple service at a local crematorium and at a lower cost than a traditional funeral. You will know who will collect you and where you will be. 
3. the FD has no control over the cost of the crematorium, and this is often around £1000 regardless of anything else.

Personally I have chosen music etc for my own funeral and have stated where to scatter my ashes. My Mother died suddenly and it was very upsetting, not least as not knowing her wishes. Please talk to family and friends so they know what you want. One less problem for them at a difficult time.

jackieblack

Iona_Penny said:

I am an independent funeral celebrant and respect everyones right to have the funeral of their choice. However just a couple of things to consider:
1 the funeral is often for those left behind and not the person who has died; a chance to bid farewell.
2. please talk to local funeral directors rather than a big company paying £££ to advertise on TV. Most will offer a simple service at a local crematorium and at a lower cost than a traditional funeral. You will know who will collect you and where you will be. 
3. the FD has no control over the cost of the crematorium, and this is often around £1000 regardless of anything else.

Personally I have chosen music etc for my own funeral and have stated where to scatter my ashes. My Mother died suddenly and it was very upsetting, not least as not knowing her wishes. Please talk to family and friends so they know what you want. One less problem for them at a difficult time.

I appreciate different people have differing feelings and opinions, mine are based on my own beliefs and recent experiences.  

1. Direct Cremation means that family can have whatever kind of ‘funeral’ they wish, wherever they wish, whenever they wish, or none.  Not at some grim crematorium, on a date determined by the availability of the crematorium and funeral director.

2. I did enquire with local funeral directors. Their plan was more expensive now and meant that additional fees, of some unknown amount, would have been payable on top when I die. I wanted a plan where I could pay for everything upfront now with nothing further to be paid when I die. Only ‘the big company advertising on TV’ offered this. I don’t care who will collect my body or where it will be, it’ll just be my corpse, it won’t be ‘me’.

3. Yes, I know. But it’s still a huge amount of money and it’s irrelevant who is determining the charge.

IME funerals are a bit like weddings in as much as the industry can triple the price and add a 0 as soon as either the word funeral or wedding is mentioned.  A lot of it is unnecessary and done because it’s what’s ‘expected’ or because it’s what others expect.  Some of the charges are eye-watering and unjustifiable IMO, but it’s a guilt trip for the family.  An example, recently a good friend of mine lost a close family member. This person had been a keen motorcyclist in his youth and the family enquired about the (heavily advertised) vintage motorbike and sidecar hearse, they were told that it would be an additional £1000 and they would also have to have a traditional (car) hearse following behind ‘in case it broke down’. (The journey from the person’s home to the church is less than 5 minutes.)

I also think there has been a huge change in attitudes towards death/funerals in the last few years, particularly from younger generations. To my parents generation it was all about ‘doing right by’ the deceased and being seen to have done it.  I, and many of my friends/colleagues of my age and younger, are much more pragmatic about it. It’s simply the hygienic disposal of a corpse and is a completely separate matter from remembering the deceased and saying their goodbyes (which is a process that can take many months, not just a few hours on a particular day).  Whatever kind of memorial ceremony my daughter chooses, should she feel the need, is fine with me. 

Everyone deals with grief differently and every grieving person should be able to do whatever brings them comfort. IMO direct cremation gives my family far more freedom and many more options to do that. 

NlghtOwl

My late wife (aged 46) could not face planning anything as too hard but that gave me freedom to make appropriate decisions. My concern is for people saying they want a simple and cheap funeral as they don’t want the money spent on them but as long as there are funds available then the family might be happy to spend it. No need to be silly but sod the money I say.

Gers

Changes in funeral practices article in the Guardian.