Adult Child - Fair Rate for Board

tealady

Personally I would stop using the car yourself make son pay for it all (petrol , insurance and maintenance). Most people I know would do ANYTHING to keep theirs (anything legal that is). Take taxis or use the bus yourself. 
That would be a wake up call because IMO he is taking the p"ss. Then show him some ads for 1 room rental and say he needs at least to match those.

kimwp

He at least has to pay for the additional expenses he is incurring - wear and tear on car, his food, additions to the bills and definitely his hobbies. And I think another poster's idea of some of the money going back to him for specific purposes only is a good idea. I would lay it out like this:

1. These are all the household bills, including car insurance, maintenance etc
2. This is what he is expected to contribute to the house - anything that he costs the household - food, a split of the bills. (I'd work this out according to house size eg if you have a four bed house and he has a room, 1/4 of the bills. Less/nothing for council tax as you would be presumably paying this in full anyway). Maybe nominal board, wear and tear etc contribution
NB, would you be renting the room out of he wasn't there? If so, I'd add this to what he is expected to contribute, maybe with a family discount.
3. Point out how much the costs would be if he rented the house with other adults and therefore shared the bills and what would be the rent. He gives you something between point 2 and this for living with you. He gets the surplus to point 2 back as a match to what he saves towards a house deposit or anything else you think sensible. 
4. He's the main user of the car, so he pays all petrol for his usage, maintenance (annual service, proportional split of repairs), cost of having him on the insurance. You pay insurance, mot and tax, proportional split of repairs and the petrol for your usage. On the basis of him running the car low to the point it needed a repair- you decide what repairs and maintenance is needed.
5. He pays for his hobbies (and manages payment of this)
6. Does he do his own washing - clothes, bedsheets etc? Does he do a fair share of cleaning and other chores? This should be required or otherwise taken into account. He'd need to do it if he was in a house share and he's 26.

He's behaving like a child when he's an earning adult. The above arrangement merely ensures he doesn't cost you anything additional to if he was living elsewhere and is cheaper for him than sharing or outright owning a car. (Feel free to actually charge rent on top of this!)

If he thinks this is unreasonable, he shows you his payslip to explain why - I suspect he's getting more than you think he is. And if he doesn't want to pay what you expect, then he can move out.

HampshireH

If he would be happier paying 10% like his girlfriend perhaps he would like to go and live with her.

He is showing you no respect.

Sea_Shell

If you don't lay down some strict rules and demand realistic 'keep', which £400 does sound, then they will never learn to be financially independent.  

You could find that your still supporting them, financially, when they are nearly 50 !!

Pollycat

njkmr said:

Pollycat said:

njkmr said:

Trust me on this.
I have thrown a roll of bin bags up to my son on more than one occasion and said clear your stuff out and I will drop you off wherever you want to go.
He is still at home. Surprisingly .
You are not being unreasonable, believe me, or any others on this forum.
But its time for change, and a bit of respect for you and your husband is where it starts.

Why is he still at home? 
Your ultimatums clearly aren't working.

Because we do not want to "get rid of him"...!
He can go when he is ready if he shows responsibility and respect for his parents...!
I don't recall saying we wanted him out. 
Sometimes kids need a bit of persuasion to grow up.
I take it you don't have chilldren.?

Well...when you say this:

njkmr said:

I have thrown a roll of bin bags up to my son on more than one occasion and said clear your stuff out and I will drop you off wherever you want to go.

it certainly sounds like you want him out...

If one of my parents had thrown a roll of bin bags up to me and said "clear your stuff out and I will drop you wherever you want to go" even once, I would have taken it that they had had enough of me (even though I had responsibility and respect for both of my parents) and wanted me out.

As for "sometimes kids need a bit of persuasion to grow up"...when I was the age of the OP's son, I had been married for 6 years and had been paying a mortgage for a year.

Maybe some parents are molly-coddling their kids, resulting in them needing a 'bit of persuasion to grow up'...

silvercar

elsien said:

silvercar said:

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

I put my mother up for six months some years ago. I love my mother, but believe me, it was an inconvenience. 

Did you think of charging her rent?

Would the responses on here have been the same if you had started a thread?

Pollycat

silvercar said:

elsien said:

silvercar said:

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

I put my mother up for six months some years ago. I love my mother, but believe me, it was an inconvenience. 

Did you think of charging her rent?

Would the responses on here have been the same if you had started a thread?

If I'd been the Mum in that scenario and my daughter offered to put me up, I'd have instigated a discussion on fair recompense (monetary or otherwise) and what ground rules she wanted to impose. 

Of course, 'my daughter' may still have found it an inconvenience.

On threads like this, it's the sheet entitlement of kids that shocks me.

elsien

silvercar said:

elsien said:

silvercar said:

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

I put my mother up for six months some years ago. I love my mother, but believe me, it was an inconvenience. 

Did you think of charging her rent?

Would the responses on here have been the same if you had started a thread?

My answer was around whether or not it can be inconvenient to have  a close family member live with you in, not around finances. And yes it can be, in terms of privacy, expectations, daily getting on each other's nerves etc. 
The inconveniences were nothing to do with money but yes that conversation was also held. 

Marvel1

Stop saving it for him to then give it back.
Stop paying for his hobby.
Tell him to look for his own car

elsien

In case the OP missed it amongst all the other discussion, that  was a valid point about who the main driver in terms of impact on insurance, which they may need to consider further.