Adult Child - Fair Rate for Board

DevilsAdvocate1

My eldest son is 26 and recently started his first full time job after graduating from University.  He went to a locat Uni where he did a degree followed by a masters degree.  He then also did a teacher training degree and had two years out.  We supported him through all this and he stayed at home as well.

During all this time he didn't contribute anything to the household finances, even during his teacher training.  Now he has a job in the civil service and I wanted him to no only cover his expenses but to pay a realistic amount to get him used to the responsibility.  I researched rooms to rent in our area and the range was £450 (for a very small room) up to £700 (a larger room than he has) a month.  None were en-suite.

We negotiated and settled on £400 which I was putting away, intending to give it to him as a lump sum when he left home..  He is also using my car to get to and from work (40 mile round trip), so I was sending an additional bill for petrol and also a toll road (this alone is over £50 a month).  I've been charging this at 20 pence per mile as I don't see why it should cost me money for him to work.  I also pay for his hobby which is £68 a month (more when its a 5 week month).

He paid fine for 2 months and I've had nothing since.  He says its too much as its 40% of his take home pay.  He wants to pay £200 a month total, as he has seen a gas and electricity bill and reckons his share of it is £50 a month.  In his view, he should only be paying his share of the bills as he's lived in his room for his whole life and why should he pay for that.  He said he will setup a direct debit right now and I can have that.  He tries to make it sound like he's doing me a favour and also that I'm  ripping him off.  I feel he has an unrealistic expectation of how much things cost.  Obviously gas and electricity are not the only costs  - there's the TV license, broadband, water, insurance, maintenance, food (though he does buy some of this).

Any advice on where to go from here please?  He wants to go out to lunch (me paying obviously) to discuss.

I feel that if he can't manage the amount I was asking then how on Earth will he manage when he leaves home.  His expenses will be way more than I'm charging.  I also worry about what he is doing if he is getting through that amount of money with nothing to show for it.  He doesn't often go out, neve goes on holiday etc.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Merlin139

Tell him to accept what you negotiated or move out. Also tell him to get his own car and pay all his own costs. Then ask him how much he will have left?

Does he know that he will be getting all the board money back when he leaves home? 

marcia_

 You have spoilt him. He should pay his fare share of your household costs plus rent. He should also pay for his own hobbies and car. You are right he needs preparing for when he lives independently 

sammyjammy

What is his grade/job in Civil Service?  I'd ask to see his payslip for starters.

He is taking advantage of you.

la531983

You pay for his hobby?

Sorry, he sees you as a doormat, nothing more.

Flugelhorn

la531983 said:

You pay for his hobby?

Sorry, he sees you as a doormat, nothing more.

agree - tricky if he has never had to fend for himself. I didn't charge offspring when they reappeared at one point but then had no concerns as they had been paying bills in the big wide world and knew what it all cost.

RAS

Tell him that this discussion is not suitable for lunch out. What he's expecting is that in public you won't put up an argument and will be embarrassed into agreeing his deal. You haven't indicated whether he lives with one parent or two, but if you have a partner, the pair of you need to sing from the same hymn sheet.

Stop paying his hobby immediately. I'd be tempted to give him a month to buy a car, but that money might be better spent getting a room close to work.

I lived in a shared house longer than many and hated it when flatmates chose people who'd not previously lived independently. If I wanted to train something misbehaved, I have got a dog, not something 6 foot tall that thought tilting their head excused failing to pay rent and diverting other people's contributions to the leccie bill.

You've been very supportive and generous but now realise that your son hasn't got the skills needed to live independently. How on earth is he going to manage if he gets into a relationship? Future partners won't tolerate this sort of behaviour long, nor will flatmates. Arrange a date with a supportive friend and tell him you'll need the car. Also tell him you want a discussion, sit down side by side, perhaps not at the dining table and tell him that you've supported him handsomely for the last decade but will not do so henceforth. You love him but his recent response to your request for a basic contribution to household costs indicates that you've failed to raise a competent adult and he's got to learn.

Decline any further rent contribution and tell him the car will not be available in three months time. By which time he needs to have arranged new living accommodation. You are sorry that this is necessary but he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and to manage his adult responsibilities.

He'll be shocked and angry, so take the car to wind down over a cuppa with the friend. You may want to stop round the corner to take a few deep breaths. And turn your phone off. He may bad-mouth you to others but may also get told a few home truths by friends and colleagues. By the way, many EAs and LLs look for 36xrent as the base figure for affordability, so you'll know what he can afford in the big wide world. Don't agree to become a guarantor. 

If he suddenly decides £400 is a bargain, thank him but reaffirm that you now realise that he needs to learn to live as an independent adult.

If however he get remotely threatening, pack his bag, cancel the car insurance and call a cab for him. Then change the locks. He can come back later to pick up the rest of his stuff. You could book one night in a budget hotel to give him time to sort out a sofa.

elsien

1. Stop paying for his hobby.
2. Stop lending him your car and tell him buy and pay for his own. I bet you’re paying all the maintenance costs, aren’t you, and there’s  also the depreciation from his mileage to take into account

3. Tell him if he wants lunch out with you he can pay for it.
4. Decide why you are charging him. If it’s to cover expenses then work out properly what his fair share is. Included everything – cleaning expenses, the works. If it’s give him an idea of how much things cost in the real world then tell him that and explain what he’s welcome to try his luck in the real world if he doesn’t want to pay what was agreed.

I wouldn’t be telling him that he gets all his board money back when he leaves home because  that set up all sorts of expectations that you don’t need the money and continues his sense of entitlement.  In fact I wouldn’t be giving him all his board money back when he leaves home anyway because unless you are very well off, why should you continue to lose money from paying his way for him. 

He’s not a teenager. He’s an adult. Maybe start treating him like one. 

And for what it’s worth, I was paying £200 a month 30 years ago on a lower salary than he is getting now. And still had enough money left over for  holidays etc. 

RAS

I always paid one third of my gross income.

pseudodox

marcia_ said:

 You have spoilt him. He should pay his fare share of your household costs plus rent. He should also pay for his own hobbies and car. You are right he needs preparing for when he lives independently 

Totally agree. He's a working adult in secure employment.  In the long term you are not doing him any favours.  Give him a stark choice - pay up or move out.  Sounds harsh but he needs to live in the real world.  I wonder how many people at the start of their careers have 60% of their take home pay as disposable income.  He needs some life lessons.  And don't give him back that money he already paid you - or he will forever expect you to subsidise his life.

la531983

If you feel you HAVE to give him the money back, at least make it conditional i.e. a gifted deposit on a mortgage. Just dont be handing him vast quantities of cash over.