Adult Child - Fair Rate for Board

Flugelhorn

reckon 40%  of take home pay is reasonable. 

Flugelhorn

la531983 said:

If you feel you HAVE to give him the money back, at least make it conditional i.e. a gifted deposit on a mortgage. Just dont be handing him vast quantities of cash over.

interesting to know if he knows that the money will be handed back - ie not really needed for the household expenses.

so tricky these - families and money can be a bad mix, really has to be sorted out early on in life and expectations set out out 

 and also so dependant on the conversation they had - my first "gap year" job was £40 - or £31 after tax, mother asked for £10 a week. I remember being miffed as it was unexpected and clear it wasn't needed.  Would have been better if it was clear over the years that there was and expectation and that adult children should contribute. 

elsien

It might be because I moved away from home and then due to circumstances had to move back again, but I always expected to pay something.

silvercar

An alternative approach would be to look at it from the point of view of what it is costing you to have him living at home.

So what are the extra costs? Bit more on electric, possibly a little more gas for long hot showers, a little on your water bill. Car fuel and wear and tear. His hobby. Extra food. Anything else? How much does that come to?

The more you charge him, the more he has to save up to be able to move out into somewhere half decent. Presumably, even though you are comparing the costs to what he would pay elsewhere, you actually don’t want him living somewhere grotty. If you worked out between you an amount that didn’t do much more than cover your extra costs, you would remove this issue between you and your son and would then be more likely to enjoy what will probably be the last time you all live together. It would be good if you could enjoy this time and forge a relationship based on his adulthood.

FlorayG

I would sit him down with a list of ALL your household expenses; insurance, bills, maintenance, food EVERYTHING from the last 12 months

Work out the total and divide by 12 then by the number of adults in the house and tell him THIS is the amount you should be paying at a minimum ( I bet it's more than £400 a month, young men can easily eat £100 of food a week) PLUS his share of the mortgage if you have one which you count as his 'rent' on top of costs

Then explain that as an earning adult, he is no longer your responsibility, he is now in effect a lodger. He no longer has any legal 'right' to live in your house and you accommodate him to help him out. Show him the cost of lodgings locally ( you can find this on the website Spare Room) and point out he would be buying all his own food and insurances on top of this and would have only one room of his own rather than 'run of the house'

Then tell him that's how much he's going to be paying from now on, the £400 he paid before isn't enough, if he's not happy he can move out. Or he can pay you £400 and buy all his own food and his own car.
I know this is easier for me to say than you to do, but he's never going to grow up if you don't force him to

Pollycat

silvercar said:

An alternative approach would be to look at it from the point of view of what it is costing you to have him living at home.

So what are the extra costs? Bit more on electric, possibly a little more gas for long hot showers, a little on your water bill. Car fuel and wear and tear. His hobby. Extra food. Anything else? How much does that come to?

The more you charge him, the more he has to save up to be able to move out into somewhere half decent. Presumably, even though you are comparing the costs to what he would pay elsewhere, you actually don’t want him living somewhere grotty. If you worked out between you an amount that didn’t do much more than cover your extra costs, you would remove this issue between you and your son and would then be more likely to enjoy what will probably be the last time you all live together. It would be good if you could enjoy this time and forge a relationship based on his adulthood.

That's the reasonable approach.
The OP's son doesn't deserve reasonableness, given his attitude towards a very generous Mum.

You have spoiled him and turned him into an entitled adult.
If he wants to pay £200 per month, tell him to find alternative accommodation.

FlorayG

Flugelhorn said:

 and also so dependant on the conversation they had - my first "gap year" job was £40 - or £31 after tax, mother asked for £10 a week. I remember being miffed as it was unexpected and clear it wasn't needed.  Would have been better if it was clear over the years that there was and expectation and that adult children should contribute. 

Absolutely true - it was clear in our house that once you earn you contribute and I gave my mom £10 of my £28 wages from the first week I started. Of course in the 1970's it was also much easier to move out and rent if you preferred

FlorayG

With his qualifications he's on minimum wage? Minimum take-home is now about £1,400 a month if you work full-time, so if £400 is 40% of his pay then he must be on minimum wage or thereabouts and working short hours. If that's true he's in the wrong job

Pollycat

FlorayG said:

Flugelhorn said:

 and also so dependant on the conversation they had - my first "gap year" job was £40 - or £31 after tax, mother asked for £10 a week. I remember being miffed as it was unexpected and clear it wasn't needed.  Would have been better if it was clear over the years that there was and expectation and that adult children should contribute. 

Absolutely true - it was clear in our house that once you earn you contribute and I gave my mom £10 of my £28 wages from the first week I started. Of course in the 1970's it was also much easier to move out and rent if you preferred

My Mum took my first wage packet from me and gave me spending money and bus fares.
That was in 1970.
It was a bone of contention between us for some time until I started to look for flats closer to work.

gwynlas

So you negociated £400 which he now believes is too much after you have supported him whilst studying and taking two years out.

I really do not know what to say as you as you have already gone over and above caring for him and presumably his siblings. and I expect that you still buy his clothes and do his laundry.
In my opinion you have already done far too much in raising a mummys boy who is not above using your good nature against you. My sister married one of these needless to say it did not last as he resented not having all his wages to himself.

It might already be to late to instil some sense of normality into your relationship of being adults living in a shared house looking out for each other. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. Stop paying for his hobby, let him use public transport to get to work, Stop doing his washing and ironing unless he reciprocates in another way and maybe shops and cooks dinner for the family at least once a week.