Adult Child - Fair Rate for Board

Pollycat

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

This is only a valid point if she earns the same as he does & has a student loan to pay back, her parents pay for her hobby and allow her the free use of their car
Oh - and if her parents are happy for her to pay 10%.

Don't let him bamboozle you with flawed justifications.

FlorayG

yes - what somebody else pays is completely irrelevant. Perhaps he would like to go and live with his girlfriend's parents? 

njkmr

Trust me on this.
I have thrown a roll of bin bags up to my son on more than one occasion and said clear your stuff out and I will drop you off wherever you want to go.
He is still at home. Surprisingly .
You are not being unreasonable, believe me, or any others on this forum.
But its time for change, and a bit of respect for you and your husband is where it starts.

Pollycat

njkmr said:

Trust me on this.
I have thrown a roll of bin bags up to my son on more than one occasion and said clear your stuff out and I will drop you off wherever you want to go.
He is still at home. Surprisingly .
You are not being unreasonable, believe me, or any others on this forum.
But its time for change, and a bit of respect for you and your husband is where it starts.

Why is he still at home? 
Your ultimatums clearly aren't working.

njkmr

Pollycat said:

njkmr said:

Trust me on this.
I have thrown a roll of bin bags up to my son on more than one occasion and said clear your stuff out and I will drop you off wherever you want to go.
He is still at home. Surprisingly .
You are not being unreasonable, believe me, or any others on this forum.
But its time for change, and a bit of respect for you and your husband is where it starts.

Why is he still at home? 
Your ultimatums clearly aren't working.

Because we do not want to "get rid of him"...!
He can go when he is ready if he shows responsibility and respect for his parents...!
I don't recall saying we wanted him out. 
Sometimes kids need a bit of persuasion to grow up.
I take it you don't have chilldren.?

lika_86

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

silvercar

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

elsien

silvercar said:

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

I put my mother up for six months some years ago. I love my mother, but believe me, it was an inconvenience. 

lika_86

silvercar said:

lika_86 said:

DevilsAdvocate1 said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I'm going to show him them.  He tells me his girlfriend only has to pay 10% of her salary to her parents.

He didn't know I was putting the money away for him and I feel less inclined to do this now.  Especially as I've now realised how much he is costing me.  He was trying to make me feel that I was ripping him off and I know I wasn't.  Thanks everyone for confirming this.  His dad does live with us but I've always dealt with the finances.  My husband is on the same page as me though.

Byetheway, he's not on minimum wage.  I don't know exactly how much, I thought he said £36K but he is telling me its less than this.  I know its more than £31K, so in that ballpark.  In my last "proper" job I was taking home £1511 or there abouts but I was on £24K.    He is trying to say he gets alot less due to student loan repayments, but I'm sure you don't pay this on whole salary, only the bit above the average wage.

Also, I've been charging him separately for the car, as I said from the outset that it should not cost me money for him to work.  He was playing a game of not putting petrol in and it go so low that it started juddering.  Cost me £200 to get fixed.  So I wanted to put the petrol in to make sure it was not run so low again.  He goes into the office 3 days a week.  Its technically my husband's car my son uses as my husband works from home, so rarely uses it.  Even for this he has not paid me anything since the end of April.

Don't put money away for him. He's shown he doesn't deserve further handouts. Continuing to give him money will just reinforce his sense of entitlement. You have been subsidising him for far too long and now he's come to expect it. Aside from the actual cost you incur from him being at home you also have to factor in the inconvenience. Without him at home you'd have more room and could do whatever you like with the extra space, you have to share communal spaces, that all comes at a cost and should be accounted for in his board.

Tell him what you expect when and be clear on the consequences. Do not provide the car, do not provide money for his hobby (seriously?! He's 26!).

Don't show him the responses. This is not about people on the internet validating your position. Whatever your position is, he should respect it as his mum and the person who has been subsidising his lifestyle. If he doesn't then he can find somewhere else to live.

Wow! This is her child you are talking about, albeit an adult. Surely it isn’t an inconvenience to have a close family member in your home.

I didn't say he was an inconvenience himself, just that there is an inconvenience factor that needs to be taken into account. Let's say you go downstairs and want to use the toaster but he's making himself some breakfast - inconvenient. You'd like to have a bath but he's in there - inconvenient. You'd like to be able to have a friend over but his room cannot be a guest bedroom - inconvenient.

Savvy_Sue

I remember discussing 'keep' with the eldest when he left Uni. I explained he had to contribute something, or I'd never get anything from the youngest when the time came (if it came). 

Very glad I did because DS3 then decided to go to local Uni, and didn't get a place in Halls for a few weeks (unsurprisingly). He was a bit shocked when I explained that his student loan was not all his, some of it was MINE, while he was living at home. 

So keep that in mind: if you let eldest get away with this, you'll be on the back foot with the younger ones. 

Honestly he is taking the p!ss. I'd ship him off to the girlfriends, without a car, if her parents will have him ...