Money Moral Dilemma: Should we cease contact with our daughter's ex-husband who owes us money?

csunshine

Jibraeel said:

No. Carry on demanding the monies, as these payments should be 'remote'. Anyway, how's he paying them back right now? Used notes in a brown envelope through the letterbox? The daughter needs to chillax...

You don't know the situation. Yes, 14k is a lot of money but telling a woman to "chillax" when she's potentially been abused by her ex is harsh.

mannipatch

Daughter should be paying £10,000. They were married at the time so both equally responsible. Very selfish of daughter to not take any responsibility for loans and expect you to loose a huge amount of money. 

elsien

virgolady10 said:

Why not ask the police for their opinion. If they can’t see a problem with your arrangement then your daughter should be reassured.

I'd be quite worried if the police were giving advice on civil matters to do with finances. 

Isin2000

Where does it say anything about abuse ?

There should be no problem maintaining distance if the parents set and apply boundaries.

Also if the ex is making regular payments why start threatening legal action - they would seem to be behaving honourably towards the parents. Don't ho looking for trouble

[Deleted User]

If there is a restraining order in place prohibiting your ex son-in-law from contacting your daughter, this does not mean he cannot contact you, or vice-versa. Just because you and he are in touch does not suddenly allow him to contact your daughter again. If he did try to do so he would be in breach of the court order and find himself in very serious trouble. I think you should stay in touch with him to continue to recoup this money. The fact that he is paying you back is commendable as some wouldn’t bother. If in doubt, I would strongly recommend seeking professional advice so you can reassure your daughter that none of this will affect her in any way. 

gloriouslyhappy

This is a civil matter not a police matter, for those who suggested contacting the police.

All contact could be made via a solicitor if necessary, so there is no reason to walk away from being repaid the £14k balance. 

I note this was not one loan but several to cover several business ventures - once with a loss should have been enough to say no, or possible a second, but definitely not multiple loans to someone who clearly is not a sound business prospect. However it happened, multiple loans were made, and the parents should maintain contact at least until all the loans have been repaid.

Cressida100

Very shocked that your daughter expects you to write off £14,000 worth of debt. I'm not sure why talking to you means he would have access to her either? 

Bellisima

I assume the daughter wants no contact with ex because of previous abuse/stalking/who knows what?  Cannot comment until we have the full story.  If he has been controlling in the past then he still gets joy from contact with the parents.  We just don’t know do we?

badmemory

If all he is doing is paying into a bank account or sending a cheque, then I can't see the problem.  If he is turning up at the house with either a cheque or the cash then yes that would be a problem.  Of course there is also the other side of the coin.  Perhaps the daughter is worried that the ex might actually say why he is the ex.

Exodi

mannipatch said:

Daughter should be paying £10,000. They were married at the time so both equally responsible.

You're the first person that mentioned this, but this was my first thought also.

Are the two fully divorced (i.e. with a clean break order)? You have two situations here: either the debt was declared as part of the divorce, the son took responsibility for it but the daughter effectively paid half of it (by having her proceeds reduced accordingly) or the debt was not declared in the divorce, the son has currently taken responsibility for it and the daughter avoids any notion of having anything to do with it.

I would say, if it is the latter (as I suspect), then I think they'd be hard pressed to enforce a debt without any formalised agreement behind it (though him making some payments certainly helps their case). If there is a formalised contract, why was it not declared in the divorce?

Personally, unlike others in this thread, I think it's a miracle they've received £6k (unless this was paid before the divorce was finalized). I would count my blessings every time a payment was received against this debt.

Pmatt said:

Is there a formal arrangement to recover the loans? If not this should be formalised. 

I'll have whatever this guy is taking.

"Hello guy who my daughter has recently divorced and is sueing for harassment.

I don't know if you realised, but it's just come to our attention that we don't actually have a formal arrangement in place for this loan, meaning you could stop paying at any moment and we'd face an uphill battle trying to recover any money from you!

Obviously £14k is a lot of money to get away with (can you imagine what that much money could be spent on?) so we'd love it if you could just sign a document we send you, confirming you owe the money and imposing specific time frames, penalties, etc in the case of non-payment.

Ta-ra x"