Money Moral Dilemma: Should we cease contact with our daughter's ex-husband who owes us money?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Over several years, we lent our daughter's now ex-husband £20,000 for various business ventures, all of which failed. They got divorced this year but we've maintained contact to recoup our money. He's making monthly repayments and has, to date, paid back £6,000. However, our daughter has taken legal action to stop him from contacting her, and has told us she doesn't want us talking to him as it means he potentially has access to her. Should we do as she wants and risk losing the outstanding £14,000?

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Mark_d

Your daughter is being unreasonable in making this request.

There will be several friends and/or family members who are in contact with both your daughter and her ex-husband.  Whilst she can block the ex-husband from contacting her, as she has done, she cannot tell anyone who they can or cannot talk to.

Voyager2002

Take legal advice.

elsien

[Removed by Forum Team]

Why is it a stupid question? The ex paying money back to the parents is not access to the daughter, either direct or indirect, as long as the correct boundaries are maintained. All he has to do is pay it into their bank account - no communication required. 

And 14K is an awful lot of money to walk away from. 

I would suggest that the person asking the question has a proper conversation with their daughter in order to reassure her that it will not impact her in any way at all and they will not in any circumstances be sharing information about her, passing messages, or doing anything else that she might be worried about.  

Brie

elsien said:

Brie said:

Yes.  What a stupid question.

Why is it a stupid question? The ex paying money back to the parents is not access to the daughter, either direct or indirect, as long as the correct boundaries are maintained. All he has to do is pay it into their bank account - no communication required. 

And 14K is an awful lot of money to walk away from. 

I would suggest that the person asking the question has a proper conversation with their daughter in order to reassure her that it will not impact her in any way at all and they will not in any circumstances be sharing information about her, passing messages, or doing anything else that she might be worried about. 

 Yes, £14k is a fair chunk of cash.  Whether they can do without it is up to them obviously.  But if the daughter has had to take legal action to stop him contacting her I think there must be something pretty serious going on.  Stalking, abuse, something.  If I was subject to that kind of behaviour I'd be telling my parents to just put up with being out of pocket and realise that the jerk is never going to pay them because he should, but more likely as a means to get to her.  If they love their daughter more than their bank account they would let the money go.  

If as you say it can be done all at arm's length, well ok.  But frankly that's not a situation I've ever seen. 

elsien

Well they seem to have managed so far without getting caught in the middle of it all.

And it does also depend on what legal actions are being taken.
There is a huge difference between a court-ordered injunction and a harassment warning which the police hand out just on the word of the alleged victim, whether there is any basis to it or not. For example.  

And I cannot imagine any situation where I would be telling (not asking, but telling) a parent to "put up with" losing 14K, which they may ill afford to be able to lose, and which was given to help me and my family out in the first place. Because although the loan was to the ex, they wouldn't have done it if it wasn't also helping their daughter out at the same time. 

Marvel1

She can pay you the £14,000 then.

Marty_NUFC

I think if you've already had an arrangement and don't need any further contact with him up to now to recoup the £6,000 you've got so far that it's not unreasonable to just leave the arrangement in place for the remaining £14,000 but assure your daughter that there is no contact being made it's repayment of monies owed and nothing more.

Jibraeel

No. Carry on demanding the monies, as these payments should be 'remote'. Anyway, how's he paying them back right now? Used notes in a brown envelope through the letterbox? The daughter needs to chillax...

Pmatt

Is there a formal arrangement to recover the loans? If not this should be formalised. What should be clear is that they are separate from any personal relationships. If there is default on the payments recovery could be expensive unless you are able to limit the recovery to £10,000 when you could use the small claims procedure.

Gosportmum

If ex son in law is not making the monthly repayments via DD, then ask him too. From then on there's absolutely no need for him to have to communicate with you in any way. You get repaid, it keeps your daughter happy and stops him potentially being accussed of breaking any court order etc. Most people can't afford to write off £14k.