Money Moral Dilemma: Should we cease contact with our daughter's ex-husband who owes us money?

grassmarket

Your relationship with your daughter & her safety are far more important than any amount of money.
Having said that - we don’t know the details. So if you believe it’s possible to allow the monthly payments to continue ‘at arm’s length’ without risking either - do so. Otherwise - just stop. Clearly you didn’t need the money then - you don’t need it now. You do need your daughter. 

the_lunatic_is_in_my_head

MSE_Kelvin said:

Over several years, we lent our daughter's now ex-husband £20,000 for various business ventures, all of which failed. They got divorced this year but we've maintained contact to recoup our money. He's making monthly repayments and has, to date, paid back £6,000. However, our daughter has taken legal action to stop him from contacting her, and has told us she doesn't want us talking to him as it means he potentially has access to her. Should we do as she wants and risk losing the outstanding £14,000?

If we live in a frozen block universe and time is an illusion to allow our consciousness to comprehend it's journey through the block then the agony of reaching a decision is inessential as the pages of your book are predetermined.

Alternatively you could ask your daughter why she feels this matter will adversely affect her, I assume any parent would place the safety and wellbeing of their child above something as comparatively trivial as money, or if already known include it in the question so we we are better placed to answer.

Is society really so fragmented that a parent and child can't have a real discussion about important matters or is the question an illusion? 

JayD

Reassure your daughter that your contact with her ex is purely to recoup the money he lent to him, which he is repaying. Reassure her that, in no way are you engaging in conversations with him about her or any matters related to her. Explain that it is a lot of money, which you do want back and that, for that reason, you will continue your contact with him, only on that basis.(I assume that his repayments are not regular, so a direct debit is not practical?)

She is clearly very anxious about the situation between them - so, remind her that, as her mother, your loyalty is solely to her and give her the reassurances and promises that she clearly needs.

Groom

Get him, if he hasn't already done so, to set up a regular Direct Debit straight into your bank, that way you don't need to have any contact with him at all. Whilst I can understand that your daughter doesn't want any him to be able to follow her etc, £14,000 is a lot to just write off. 

RAS

Groom said:

Get him, if he hasn't already done so, to set up a regular Direct Debit straight into your bank, that way you don't need to have any contact with him at all. Whilst I can understand that your daughter doesn't want any him to be able to follow her etc, £14,000 is a lot to just write off. 

Individuals can't set up Direct Debits. The ex can ask his bank to set up a standing order. 

GrumpyGranny20

You're relatively lucky. Our ex son-in-law disappeared still owing £40,000 plus that we remortgaged to lend them when they were married. Our daughter only works part-time so can't afford to pay much back. He's even managed to evade the police and debt collectors so we don't have a chance of tracing him. Paying a PI to trace him or trying to take him to court would be throwing good money after bad, especially as he has no visible assets. If you're prepared to gamble more money you could summons your son-in-law to the small claims court for £10,000 of the money owed. But that doesn't guarantee that he will pay it back and further court action means more court fees for you to find! Good luck.

tindella

Your daughter may be separated from him, but you are still tied together financially.  Unless she is willing to give you the money he owes you she should back off and let you get your money back.

primrose_penguin

£14,000 is a lot of money to walk away from and your daughter was married to him when you generously lent that large sum to him, did she ever ask you at the time not to keep lending him the money which must have benefitted her also at that time? Surely there is a way you can keep recouping back the money owed without you having any contact with him, like others have said having an agreement in writing that monthly repayments will go straight into your bank from his, perhaps a solicitor could arrange this if you do not already have a legal agreement. I also hope you lent him the money with a legal written agreement so you have proof he owes it to you. I would sit your daughter down and explain all this to her, surely she cannot reasonably expect you to lose this large sum of money, which you lent in good faith to try and make both their lives more secure at that time. I do not see why this should affect your daughter if done in this way and if he gets in touch to ask about her just politely tell him to please not contact you again and if he does just ignore it.

virgolady10

Why not ask the police for their opinion. If they can’t see a problem with your arrangement then your daughter should be reassured.

karanight

It’s difficult to answer because we don’t have all the details. Has she been harassed, was he violent, an alcoholic or drug addict Have they got children, if so were there reasons to distrust his actions with them, or is she using them to punish him by cutting contact 
Another area we don’t know anything about is the business arrangements. Was some of the business ideas hers or joint decisions/ventures. 

What are the repayment arrangements, does he come to the house with a cheque/cash or does he pay via a DD.  Or does he pass the money to them through the daughter 

It’s impossible to answer an incomplete question