Money Moral Dilemma: Should we cease contact with our daughter's ex-husband who owes us money?

alexpresland

I'm wondering if you can sell the debt (factoring?) to someone else, get a percentage of it, and draw a line under it all to respect and go along with your daughter's wishes.  Your long-term relationship with your daughter is hopefully more important to you than getting all the money back?

Shortlands_Shopper

It’s a tad unfair to parents to lose £14k, so I think a straight conversation between family needs to be had about how unreasonable it is. There is a huge chance that now divorced he may default anyway but if all is paid back that money could one day be part of daughters inheritances. I think a calm a discussion is needed, sadly even when you get divorced and say no contact is permitted by the ex, it doesn’t mean it will happen. ( I sat this from experience!).

naomibm

If someone has taken legal action to ensure no contact, it seems there is more to this than an unamicable divorce. Possibly manipulation, abuse, control... Your daughters health after going through what could be an incredibly challenging time is worth more. If you can afford 20k for random 'business ventures', you can likely afford to suck up 14k (despite it being frustratibg) to support your daughter through a really hard period. Money would be the last thing on my mind. The 'chillax' comment earlier is particularly crass.

gerrag

Those loans were made during their marriage, therefore presumably with your daughter's consent and acceptance. As his wife, she would have directly benefitted if those "business ventures" had succeeded, so I believe she has a shared responsibility for the repayments (unless there is some written agreement that specifically exclude her).

If he's paying back remotely, and seems willing to continue, then make it clear to both parties that you will not be caught in the middle of their divorce. ie: you will not be a "message board" for either. 

If he ceases making repayments then it's time to have a chat with your daughter to see if she's happy to leave you to suck up the loss of the money that he would never have had if he hadn't been married to her. 

Her response should be revealing enough to help you decide what/if anything you do about it thereafter.

Oxfordboy

I understand she doesn't want contact with her ex that's fine. But he owes her parents £14,000 still. If I was her I would ask that question after he's paid the money back but not now. She's being very unreasonable and if her parents cut contact they stand to lose £14,000 not her

Danien

Depends how he is paying the money back.

As an example, is the daughter living with parents or often at parents' home and ex comes round and pays the money by cheque or cash? In which case it could well be another way to 'get to' daughter. Or is the ex going to the daughter's house to pay the money?

If not already, change the payment method to a non contact standing order, and request any contact regarding the debt be via post or email with parents, making clear only the debt will be discussed and nothing else.

honestcove

You are doing well so far so continue, as often pursuing someone for return of monies loaned for ventures that have then failed is a fools errand.

Ed264

You're entitled to full repayment of your £20,000 regardless of your daughter's divorce. Why would you need to talk to the ex-husband? If he is repaying you by a bank standing order there should be no need to talk to him. Even if you do talk to him for whatever reason, it doesn't mean he potentially has access to your daughter - there would be no reason why you should disclose anything about her to him.

kerrazoo

If the payments are going up and down depending on how much he has free each month, it's possible that it would involve a lot of contact as he says "I can pay a bit more this month" or "Sorry don't have much spare this month"... in that sort of situation, there could be quite a lot of contact. 

But also whatever your heart might be about supporting your daughter emotionally, if she sees you as valuing money over her then that's the real dilemma. So don't think is solely about getting money back without getting involved... if she is needing to cut off all contact, there is something much bigger that's not being mentioned. 

Despite it being very tough to lose money, it's going to be worse to lose trust from your daughter.

elsien

A message saying "I am able to pay x this month" in no way impacts on the daughter and her situation. It is a piece of information that the parents have no need to respond to. And if they did and kept the discussion purely to financial matters then it still does not affect the daughter in any way in any practical level.