Joint inheritance moral and logistical dilemma.

Pollycat

Geriatricmum said:

Pollycat said:

Geriatricmum said:

I understand this is all conjecture and life happens etc. I'm just concerned with what my parents objectives are dividing their estate the way they are. They are not communicative and dismissive of my concerns... Which is their right but they aren't being straight up with me.

I know their assets are not mine they worked hard for them and they can do what they want with them. But with this situation it's not a straight up there's the estate here's how it's divided have a nice life, there's the added unwritten and unspoken caveat that I will be my sisters carer.

I just think I have the right to live my life after their death the way I want to, not the way they expect me to. Is that a bad thing?

I don't hate my sister, I want her to have a good life but I don't want to look after her in my retirement. If she was given the chance to be independent in her life so far I think she could do it. She has a job, friends and she's happy in Spain. I just feel like I'm taking on the fallout for their failure to let her flourish. It's incredibly frustrating.

I was just hoping there was a way to deal with this after their deaths in a way that wouldn't create conflict in their twighlight years.

Thanks again for everyones comments. 

Why do you feel they aren't being straight up with you?
You've expressed your concerns about the way they have written their wills and they have refused to change those wills to how you want them written.

You have made them aware that you "do not want to be financially tied" to your sister.

It sounds like they've been straight up with you and you've been straight up with them.

I appreciate how black and white your take in this is.

It's black and white to me because if I was in the same situation, my parents would be totally sure that I would not step up and look after my sister when they died.

kimwp

silvercar said:

Geriatricmum said:

I don't hate my sister, I want her to have a good life but I don't want to look after her in my retirement. If she was given the chance to be independent in her life so far I think she could do it. She has a job, friends and she's happy in Spain. I just feel like I'm taking on the fallout for their failure to let her flourish. It's incredibly frustrating.

I think that is the bottom line. You don't want to look after your sister in retirement. Your parents probably realise your sister's capabilities and hope that forcing some sort of financial link will mean that you keep an eye out for her. That is why they won't address your concerns properly.

This is my take on the situation too.

It's very difficult for family (including siblings) when a child can't be independent. I wonder if your parents don't want to face the situation because they are afraid of the reality of her situation (ie that she won't be able to cope without help). It doesn't make it any easier for you though.

Given that they want to tie you together financially, is there some avenue where the burden of managing the properties could be reduced? For example on their passing, the  Spanish properties are sold and your sister goes into rented supported accommodation so there's no worry about managing bills and building upkeep in a different country?

Geriatricmum

You know what, the more I think about this and take in everyone's thoughts the more I realise that I'm just angry. I'm angry at my parents for putting my sister and I in this situation, because it is going to affect both of us. 

I'm looking at this in the wrong way. I can't abandon her to something that isn't entirely her own doing. My instant reaction to the Will was to try and wash my hands of her and everything by cutting her off. We're not close but I still care. 

There is no way I can care for her like they do from Scotland and I still don't want to. But she'll be alone, she won't know where to start, it's wholly unfair on her. If things happen in the 'natural order' I'll help her get her financial situation sorted in a way she understands then leave her to it and just check in. 

It's not going to be the making of a hallmark film but I'll also look to make provision for her care if I pass before her. 

I think I might look into POA for all the properties, get clued up on Spanish inheritance law and go from there.

My brain is going a million miles an hour, lots of back and forth and summersaults of emotions. Those who have read my debt free diary will know 'inner voice', they've had a few things to say too.....

Danien

From reading through the posts it appears you have a lot or stored up resentment over the differences between how you and your sister were treated over the years by your parents. That is totally understandable.

However, if your sister went to a special school she has significant limitations which will remain as an adult. Even adults without learning difficulties can struggle with managing finances especially in a time of intense grief of losing their last living parent, let alone someone with significant deficits.

At the beginning of the thread you wanted to leave your sister to sink or swim, and yet you now admit she couldn't cope.

It seems obvious to me that your parents want to scrupulously fair and leave their assets 50/50 to you and your sister. The disparity between the London and Spanish properties make your solution of getting the London flat impossible for them. I suspect they don't want the Spanish flats sold as they are seeing them as providing a guaranteed income for your sister (and you) as she ages, with the ability of the flats being managed by a rental company meaning she and you can be hands off with the least stress for both of you.

The obvious option to me seems that when your last surviving parent passes you have the three properties valued. You have said the London flat is worth more than both Spanish flats. Take the valuation of the combined properties and divide by two. Sell the London flat and give your sister the amount that would make her inheritance plus the Spanish flats (which you also give her) 50% - this will give her a fund to help maintain the two Spanish flats into the future, you could even hold this for her in a high interest account and transfer to the management company as needed if that is what she wants or pay for a support worker to visit her as needed and help with anything on the Spanish side, but overseen by you in Scotland. You then keep the remaining money from the London flat. Yes you will initially need to set this up it shouldn't be too much to handle, keeps your sister safe and assisted according to her needs with you overseeing from a distance to ensure she isn't taken advantage of.

I understand your instant response was to catastrophise in your head about the responsibilities suggested by the will. But the benefits of there being money is that you can pay for the help for your sister that she needs without having to be there.

Geriatricmum

Thankyou @Danien. I'm still on the fence about selling the London flat but the advice regarding the spianish flats is sound and along my thoughts.

There is resentment there but I still care. I think I was wanting to push her away to sort of 'punish' my folks but in reality they'll be dead and it won't affect them only her.

I still think she is capable of managing her own life if she was given a chance to learn. 

Pollycat

Geriatricmum said:

You know what, the more I think about this and take in everyone's thoughts the more I realise that I'm just angry. I'm angry at my parents for putting my sister and I in this situation, because it is going to affect both of us. 

I'm looking at this in the wrong way. I can't abandon her to something that isn't entirely her own doing. My instant reaction to the Will was to try and wash my hands of her and everything by cutting her off. We're not close but I still care. 

There is no way I can care for her like they do from Scotland and I still don't want to. But she'll be alone, she won't know where to start, it's wholly unfair on her. If things happen in the 'natural order' I'll help her get her financial situation sorted in a way she understands then leave her to it and just check in. 

It's not going to be the making of a hallmark film but I'll also look to make provision for her care if I pass before her. 

I think I might look into POA for all the properties, get clued up on Spanish inheritance law and go from there.

My brain is going a million miles an hour, lots of back and forth and summersaults of emotions. Those who have read my debt free diary will know 'inner voice', they've had a few things to say too.....

Start here:
Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

A lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a legal document that lets you (the ‘donor’) appoint one or more people (known as ‘attorneys’) to help you make decisions or to make decisions on your behalf.

This gives you more control over what happens to you if you have an accident or an illness and cannot make your own decisions (you ‘lack mental capacity’).

Will your parents agree to set these up?

It seems that as this thread has progressed, you have changed your stance regarding your sister.
That's good, but probably exactly what your parents want to happen.

Geriatricmum

kimwp said:

silvercar said:

Geriatricmum said:

I don't hate my sister, I want her to have a good life but I don't want to look after her in my retirement. If she was given the chance to be independent in her life so far I think she could do it. She has a job, friends and she's happy in Spain. I just feel like I'm taking on the fallout for their failure to let her flourish. It's incredibly frustrating.

I think that is the bottom line. You don't want to look after your sister in retirement. Your parents probably realise your sister's capabilities and hope that forcing some sort of financial link will mean that you keep an eye out for her. That is why they won't address your concerns properly.

This is my take on the situation too.

It's very difficult for family (including siblings) when a child can't be independent. I wonder if your parents don't want to face the situation because they are afraid of the reality of her situation (ie that she won't be able to cope without help). It doesn't make it any easier for you though.

Given that they want to tie you together financially, is there some avenue where the burden of managing the properties could be reduced? For example on their passing, the  Spanish properties are sold and your sister goes into rented supported accommodation so there's no worry about managing bills and building upkeep in a different country?

Thank you I hadn't thought of that. It would certainly help with her being alone after they pass. Will she agree to it though, it might not be what she wants. 

elsien

That is probably something to look into now - do they have supported accommodation in Spain in the same way that we do in the UK? How would it be accessed? Would it need the involvement of the Spanish social services as (in some circumstances) UK services do?

elsien

Pollycat said:

Geriatricmum said:

You know what, the more I think about this and take in everyone's thoughts the more I realise that I'm just angry. I'm angry at my parents for putting my sister and I in this situation, because it is going to affect both of us. 

I'm looking at this in the wrong way. I can't abandon her to something that isn't entirely her own doing. My instant reaction to the Will was to try and wash my hands of her and everything by cutting her off. We're not close but I still care. 

There is no way I can care for her like they do from Scotland and I still don't want to. But she'll be alone, she won't know where to start, it's wholly unfair on her. If things happen in the 'natural order' I'll help her get her financial situation sorted in a way she understands then leave her to it and just check in. 

It's not going to be the making of a hallmark film but I'll also look to make provision for her care if I pass before her. 

I think I might look into POA for all the properties, get clued up on Spanish inheritance law and go from there.

My brain is going a million miles an hour, lots of back and forth and summersaults of emotions. Those who have read my debt free diary will know 'inner voice', they've had a few things to say too.....

Start here:
Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

A lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a legal document that lets you (the ‘donor’) appoint one or more people (known as ‘attorneys’) to help you make decisions or to make decisions on your behalf.

This gives you more control over what happens to you if you have an accident or an illness and cannot make your own decisions (you ‘lack mental capacity’).

Will your parents agree to set these up?

It seems that as this thread has progressed, you have changed your stance regarding your sister.
That's good, but probably exactly what your parents want to happen.

The parents can't set these up for the sister. The LPA would be to support sister with her affairs after they have gone and she is the one who needs to willingly agree to it without any form of pressure, and to be able to understand what she is agreeing to. Again though, they  would need to check the cross boundary implications and what the Spanish equivalent might be and what covers which jurisdiction? 

Although there is some presumption that all will be well until the parents die, and there probably needs to be consideration of what will happen before then if they become too infirm to  manage the properties, or lose mental capacity themselves if this is  not already on their radar? 

Geriatricmum

elsien said:

That is probably something to look into now - do they have supported accommodation in Spain in the same way that we do in the UK? How would it be accessed? Would it need the involvement of the Spanish social services as (in some circumstances) UK services do?

They do have the same services in Spain. I can look into it but it wont be something my folks will entertain right now. They are in denial as to her abilities.