Money Moral Dilemma: My daughter's selling clothes I got her - should she have offered them to me?

jjay13

Wingman_2010 said:

I realise that the forum rules mention that this is a public forum and "behind every quandry is a person", but I find the behaviour of this womans daughter irresponsible and well as thoughtless.

"Fast fashion" contribute significantly to the environmental degradation we see evidence of all around us, from the destruction of vast areas of land used to cultivate cash crops such as cotton, to the exploitation of fossil fuels in order to produce the huge quantities of man-made fibres that end up polluting the rivers and seas due to their longevity and lack of bio-degradability.

The clothes mentioned were bought LAST YEAR!. 

So firstly, the daughter should be considering why she feels the need to dispose of clothes that are less than a year old, and bearing in mind that they were bought by her mother in a time when she (the mother) thought her daughter needed support, some kind of dialogue, about their sale would have been the least that a respectful daughter should show her mother.. No being old-fashioned, just looking out for the environment and hoping for a better dialogue between mother and daughter in future.

But selling the clothes means someone else will get the use of them instead of buying new. No worse for the environment than if the daughter continued to wear them!

seren77

If you give someone a gift, that's it. If you had an agenda beforehand you should have thought about it or said something, but then it wouldn't have been a gift. Also, the daughter may also still be in financial difficulties and is too embarrassed to tell you again so is selling for that reason. 

KentGirl61

I understand your feelings and it probably hurts a little to think she hasn't mentioned this to you but ultimately they were a gift.   I imagine you don't make conditions when you give someone something, which is the fairest thing to do, but we can't help but expect certain things when we give a gift - for your own peace of mind this is what you need to change.
You can't expect your un-expressed expectations to be known by other people, as close as they may be to you, and you can't expect other people to act as you believe you would act or they should act, to do this only opens you out to being hurt and feeling disappointed, and yet this hurt and disappointment doesn't come from the other person, it comes from within yourself.
You need to accept that for you a gift ends with your giving of the gift.   You should hold no expectations, no assumptions, no need to know what happens with your gift.   Once a gift is given it belongs entirely to the person given the gift and it is now entirely up to them what they do with it.   It would of course be nice to be thanked for your gift but that only needs to be expressed once, don't expect ongoing thanks and don't make judgements on the thanks you are offered.
If you don't get thanked you can't change this, nor should you expect the person you gave your gift to to change how they acted or will act in the future, however you can use the experience to influence your own future actions, just don't expect the person you gave the gift to to change.
Don't dwell on this and don't let it contaminate your relationship with the person you gave your gift to.  Be honest with yourself as to how this experience has affected you and consider how you can learn and change yourself for the better from it.

macaroni

Wingman_2010 said:

I realise that the forum rules mention that this is a public forum and "behind every quandry is a person", but I find the behaviour of this womans daughter irresponsible and well as thoughtless.

"Fast fashion" contribute significantly to the environmental degradation we see evidence of all around us, from the destruction of vast areas of land used to cultivate cash crops such as cotton, to the exploitation of fossil fuels in order to produce the huge quantities of man-made fibres that end up polluting the rivers and seas due to their longevity and lack of bio-degradability.

The clothes mentioned were bought LAST YEAR!. 

So firstly, the daughter should be considering why she feels the need to dispose of clothes that are less than a year old, and bearing in mind that they were bought by her mother in a time when she (the mother) thought her daughter needed support, some kind of dialogue, about their sale would have been the least that a respectful daughter should show her mother.. No being old-fashioned, just looking out for the environment and hoping for a better dialogue between mother and daughter in future.

Wow, your first post too!

JayD

tacpot12 said:

You know your daughter best, and hence whether there was always the potential for her to sell these clothes. 

It would be best to let her know gently that you would have liked first refusal on them as you felt they would suit you, but I think you have to let her keep all of the money that she has raised/raises.

Presumably she needs the money and you don't seem to have made it clear that you would be offended if she sold the clothes quickly. A gift is a gift. It is better to give without reservation that to tie up the gift will all sorts of expectations. I assume that if she had worn them for quite a while and then sold them on, you would be far less bothered. 

You could always buy them from the site where she has them advertised. She might be embarrassed when she realises who has bought them, so you might have to check with her first that she is okay if you bid on them.

Apart from the line " I assume that if she had worn them for quite a while and then sold them on, you would be far less bothered. " I totally agree with the above.  However, I would also suggest that, maybe your daughter would prefer it if her mother did not start wearing the same clothes that she wears ...

queserasera_2

No, they are hers to do as she pleases. Presumably just as she needed the clothes, she now needs the money she can recoup on them

SStitanic

Why don’t you buy them all up, then you’ll be helping her all over again. 

primrose_penguin

If you give someone a gift it is really up to them what they do with it. You say you bought the clothes and how much you liked them, perhaps she does not feel the same after all there is an age difference between you, I know I could never buy my daughter clothes after a certain age unless she was with me and chose them herself. Perhaps it would have been better to have given her some money if she was struggling. You could always offer to give her some cash for the clothes instead of her having to sell them if you really want them.

Q11

There’s a really quick answer to this ‘dilemma’
NO. 

amysquie

I'm not keen on being bought clothes, even by my family, because though they might be lovely they're rarely something I'd wear. Then I feel guilty for not wearing them and donating them. She obviously needed the money more or didn't like the clothes. Either way they were a gift to do with as she pleases and your first impulse should be to help your daughter if you can, not get the clothes back!

I do love MMDs, they make me feel like my family are lovely and normal!