Money Moral Dilemma: Should I accept an expensive present from my boyfriend who owes me money?

Ringo90

I write from experience of living with someone who was clueless about money and was happy as long as he had enough in his pocket to go for a pint.

He left me to budget for everything - mortgage, bills, food.
He would come home with surprise extravagant purchases - sometimes for me, sometimes for him - and leave me to worry about making ends meet.
It took me 11 years to wise up.
I hope it doesn't take that long for the author of the MMD.

Exactly! If you can't pay rent for "financial troubles" but come up with a 1500 worth gift, you either are lying to me about your troubles, or obtained the gift in dodgy ways, or you're a total idiot when it comes to managing money.
And neither of the three is worth a bike, thank you very much!

ShinyStarlight1

I think your partner is giving you lots of extra work to do. It isn’t very adult behaviour. 

ShinyStarlight1

honestcove said:

I don’t necessarily agree with most/all of the posts.
What you’ve told us is a person who is trying to make the girls in his life happy. That’s not a bad thing.
Unless you are running up debts to pay all the deposit/rents then you have enough money to subsidise someone you love. 

Nice gift, maybe a genuinely nice person, and despite his flaws (who’s perfect?) maybe the one for you.

You have equated love with paying for someone. Many gaslighters do this too.

Is he trying to make the girls in his life happy? By making one of them pay more than her fair share? To be frank, that sentence of yours sounds like something a person who has not yet matured would say.

It is very difficult, if not impossible, to create a healthy adult relationship when the adults involved have taken the roles of adult and child.

And for those asking why a person would post their dilemma on here, that sense of uncertainty and not knowing what is acceptable or not are found also in people who have been gaslit. Giving your feedback rather than shaming the person asking is more helpful.

NannyJaffaCakes

The fact that he has said it's a 'thank you' for helping him to sort himself out etc., instantly makes me think that he feels that by giving you the bike he has settled his debt to you!  If you should ask him to repay what he owes you at some future date, he will probably say he bought you the bike to pay you back!  Personally I would ask him to set up a regular payment from his bank to you until he has paid the full amount back to you. Then I would discuss your future....together or apart?  Is he likely to change his spending habits?  Will he expect you to bail him out next time....and there will be a next time.  He needs to know what he is risking if he doesn't shape up and you need to be firm with him about it.  Good Luck 

Malthusian

honestcove said:

Nice gift, maybe a genuinely nice person, and despite his flaws (who’s perfect?) maybe the one for you.

Kudos for being the tenth dentist. So where did you get the bike? 

LisaJA

This may not be as straightforward as it seems, as it sounds like your BF has issues with impulsivity (which might why he's in debt in the first place) and could be arising from something like ADHD.  If so, people with ADHD also suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria so to refuse the gift might cause even more of an emotional outfall.  It's not an easy situation so tread carefully but returning the bike, getting the refund and then suggesting doing something together that's free (walk, watching TV, visiting gallery/museum with free entry) as a way of letting him say thank you to you. Spending time is much better than spending money (from a mum of ADHD son currently in £12k debt due to impulsivity)

Ringo90

NannyJaffaCakes said:

The fact that he has said it's a 'thank you' for helping him to sort himself out etc., instantly makes me think that he feels that by giving you the bike he has settled his debt to you!

Indeed that's the whole point of his gift imho, which makes me extra suspicious about how he got the bike and why, it might seem to me like he just grabbed a chance to easily settle this HIS way.
The way thank you gifts work is that, they should be something EXTRA after you have settled your debt, unless the other person has asked you otherwise.

Ford34

Defiantly DO not accept the Bike, where has he found the Money?? You may end up paying for it. Sit back engage brain and think this through. Engage into conversation with him, I'm thinking a Bike is Maybe the last essential thing you need in your life.-- on the + side if he owes you money that you are unlikely to ever get, offset the loss by selling this valuable bike. You need a signed standing order for his bank where he pays you X amount every week/Month. Your on a recipe for disaster and your the Looser.

Agent57

Your boyfriend is suffering badly from financial diarrhoea.

You know the answer to your question, you just need the courage to do it.

You do not have to be a financial expert to understand basic priorities.  If he cared for you or understood you at all he would not be doing this.

I note he talks about what his daughters want, not what they need.  How old is this guy?

You need to be honest with him or things will just get worse.

JessieH_2

Firstly, I sympathise with your dilemma, it's a shame he put you in this very awkward position, which does indicate he is financially naive or immature (or both). So often we have difficulty discussing finances, unfortunately I think this is one time you really need to sit down with him, and do just that. I would also advise you never have a joint account or mortgage with him if the relationship progresses, as any mistakes he makes, will affect your credit rating if you have joint arrangements. Never let him persuade you to borrow money for any reason, (whether business or personal) however good it sounds (personal experience) as it may not be. He may have other sterling qualities, he sounds a generous and kind person, hence the impractically expensive present, but he also needs to be shown there are other (cheaper) ways to show affection. If you decide to keep the bike (preferably after finding out how it was financed, hopefully not with more debt, in which case maybe best to return it if possible) probably better to assume you won't get rent/deposit back? If you do, it will be a bonus. Good luck.