Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

daisy_1571

I suspect ex is becoming more of a pain because 1/ he's a horrible person 2/ you are getting on with your life so he can't get a rise out of you any more but the limited contact you have with him just makes these things stand out more in contrast to the rest of your life 3/ the 3 kids are growing up and making their own decisions so he's making last ditch attempts to connect with them.

I'm glad you are sending them off to wherever they want to be on Xmas day itself and not putting guilt on them.  They might well take this year to be with him and I suppose the quicker you make your plans the better.  Otherwise you will be waiting on someone else to make a decision and feel like you are getting the leftovers rather than making your own decision. 

I think festive times are easier when younger and both parents are in the same house.  Although even then there's decisions to be made about your parents, his parents, maybe grandparents.   Its impossible to get everyone in a family plus inlaws family together unless you hire a huge hall cos everyone has at least 2 sides to their family so it would go on and on.  

What about planning now for the 3 of you (I'm assuming your daughter won't be going), maybe plan a long lie, nice bath, rubbish on TV with leisurely breakfast.   Everyone does own thing for a couple of hours then nice meal together at tea time.  No unrealistic ideas of spending every moment together with long walk in the snow then board games and a flickering log fire like in the movies lol just a lovely pleasant day.

But....plan for a time together at a less contentious time of year (no birthdays, mothers day or anything just a normal Sunday meal) and ask the 2 boys ?  

Is your oldest still coming to stay for a while next year ?  



Sending hugs Dxxx

daisy_1571

meanst to say sorry to hear sons marriage has broken up.  Most likely will it be a similar process to divorcing a religious or registry office relationship as the legal side of the relationship is pretty much the same legal relationship in eyes of the law???  (Gosh I've never thought how many different ways nowadays you can get a legally recognised partnership 🤔)

beanielou

Just keep plodding on xx

KajiKita

Hugs, big squashy ones x
It’s totally understandable that you are feeling down atm, look at everything you’ve been battling with. 

The reason the ex is dialling up the acidity is because he can literally feel and see you moving further and further away from his control. His dependency on you is quite breathtaking. I suspect he’s also quite jealous - look at the life that you and DP are building between you, the trust you have for each other, the partnership - Ex knows he doesn’t have that and never can, as he doesn’t know how to even start …

I’m glad you got to speak to DS1. He’ll work it out with his ex partner. 

In the meantime, can I recommend some good escapist fun or nonsense …? Books, embroidery, watch Riot Women (I’m still obsessed! 😉😂). Some time for you … yes? 😊

KK

greenbee

Sorry to hear about DS1. In the meantime, I suggest you send a message to each child (including DD and explain it’s so she can make a decision without pressure) telling them that you need to know their Xmas plans by 31st October. Then make plans - maybe to do something totally different to normal. One of our best Christmases was a very quiet one where we went for a fabulous long walk while the rest of the world was having Christmas lunch, and then had a quiet meal in the evening, 

debtfreewannabe321

Evening all, thank you @daisy_1571, @beanielou, @KajiKita & @greenbee
I actually messaged DS1 again earlier and said, listen I honestly don't mind if you do want to go there, I promise I am not upset, I literally just want to know as you know it's always my tradition to do a xmas eve box and I want to also get those coming here for their main xmas some extra presents (I know this is unfair but ex will be getting ds2 extras so I will balance it out to those staying here for stockings etc ) He responded back and said he wanted to go wherever he was 'supposed' to be this year, I.e ex and and I have always done xmas at his (he took them to his mums or sisters every year till he met his last partner as he is incapable of parenting for long) then mine next year. HOWEVER - 2 xmases ago it was my turn, and his ex was dying, she didn't have long left, I said take the kids! She will want them all there for the last time. She did so he took them. Then last year ex guilt tripped DD and DS into going to his again even though again technically it was my xmas. I said okay as it was his first one on his own. I felt sorry for him. The new GF made an appearance......he'd literally moved on in months and when they were all supposed to be grieving / reminiscing together the new GF was there...... DD and his dead GFs children were horrified. Some how he managed to talk DS into feeling sorry for him? So anyway he had them by this point two or three xmases in a row. NOW he is doing it again. At this point I can only think he thinks this is a game to him. He never ever not once wanted them when they were little. They were too much hard work. Now they are older and self sufficient he not only wants them but bad mouths me about being a bad mum, although for years he was happy to leave them with me for months at a time without even checking their welfare. He really is a piece of work. My friend, whom I met up with earlier said he had left such an awful reference for me but her boss saw straight through it as him lying and trying to manipulate the situation (small mercy I guess). So Anyway....DS1 is coming to me. Just DS2 missing for the day. Which will break my heart as I won't have seen him for 5 months. I have never been without my kids for longer than 3 weeks (aside from now ds1 is grown up and moved out) and it is just making me so sad  

Greenbee DP and I have had a few xmases like that now when we don't have the kids, just a normal day to us, no fuss and chilled. KK my friend thinks he is jealous, he came across that way in the interview he did about me for the fostering and his ref was basically laughed off as a big lie (and they didn't even know me those doing it). Daisy I think it is about control, my ex controlled everything about our marriage and has lost that as the kids have got older, so he is using them now as his only means to get at me. 

Work tomorrow, and once again, I am full of cold. Bah. 

MeandO

Sending lots of love DFW321. I can totally understand the Christmas arrangements anxiety you're feeling, I have it every year. In fact it builds from about September onwards and the thought of Christmas usually renders me a sobbing wreck by the time it arrives.  It's so hard when you have to 'share' your children and I think it gets harder as they get older. I don't have family here and OH is a real bah humbug when it comes to Christmas (for some valid reasons) so I often let DS spend the day at his father's as I know he'll have more 'people' there and it's depressing with just two or three of us here, one who is miserable as....
I'm glad your eldest is going to spend time with you this year and I'm sure it will do him good to be with his lovely Mum for a bit too after what sounds like a tough year for him. I hope he is doing ok on the partnership breakdown front. 

It's nice to know that the foster team saw through ex's lies even if the outcome wasn't what you'd hoped for. Like many others have said though, I think this may well have been a blessing in disguise for you presently, I think you need a year to yourselves to reset and recharge your batteries. 'What is meant for you won't pass you by' as they say.

I hope work was an easy day for you today and that the cold is on the way out. We too are full of it, DS was sent home from school today but has made a miraculous recovery since! xx

debtfreewannabe321

Thank you @MeandO, I'm glad it's not just me. I really do feel anxiety over this one day event. It's ridiculous! However I kind of see it as more than a one day event I see it as a chance to get all my children under one roof for one or two days. Now that DS1 has moved out I rarely see him as he's so busy with work so I really look forward to it to spoil them all and spend time with them. Without DS2 here it will be really weird. DD and I were taking bets on how long ex will stay sober for 🫣😆. And once he starts drinking their perfect facade will crack and DS2 may start to see through it. Ds1 and DD have somewhat protected DS2 from their dad's drinking, and behaviour...so he's on his own with that now. 
DD said she's still going down over the Xmas period as she wants presents 🙈 tried to gently say that's not what Xmas is about but don't think that went in. 😆

I couldn't believe the timing of me finally going through with the fostering and then DS leaving 🤦🏻‍♀️ could not have been worse timed. And he was fine with it when I sat him down and asked him last year about it. 

Work today was tiring and I had a huge coughing fit because of the air con being on in the room 😬 so embarrassing when this happens. I have a cold so it triggered my asthma really bad and I had to leave the room mid training to calm my breathing down back to normal. I've booked a swimming session this evening - more for the sauna and steam room than the swim but I will try and get maybe a dozen laps in. I'm in tomorrow at 9 again and will be there till 4. So Thursday or Friday I will take back some hours that I have worked extra today (I usually do 10-3 on Monday but did 9-4). Probably take it Thursday morning but I'll see. I have my yearly progress meeting tomorrow so will get that out the way and then have training after that, training is boring and we have learned nothing new today it's a tick box exercise. One person teaching us how to deal with behavioural issues was non stop telling us about his own life, dropping C and F bombs every minute and honestly I learned nothing. I mean I swear quite a bit in RL, just seems to be a thing with where I'm from (he was also from similar place down south) but I understand professionalism and don't do it at work.....felt it was completely uncalled for and honestly felt a bit awkward. Considering I swear a lot myself I dread to think what some of the other people there were thinking 😆🙈.

Right best go take my face off and get swim ready as I need to be there in half hour. Fajitas for dinner and DP has offered to make them! So don't even have to cook today 😁 quite happy about that lol. 

debtfreewannabe321

I made it to 20 lengths before giving in and sat in the sauna and steam room for another half hour. Chest feels ok. I realised I had been around dogs today and I think that might be why my asthma was so bad today. I will take an antihistamine before bed. 

I realised when I got home that the gas hob had been disconnected! The plumber had round and started on jobs. Also there is a huge gap where our old cooker was- DP had cleaned it and sold it 🥰 considering it was destined for the skip we have forty quid in our pocket instead! 

KajiKita

That sounds like a really productive afternoon evening and well done DP 👏😊

KK