Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

slm6002

He has also had your DS living with him for a little while now and is probably realising the reality of it.  Yes they eat a lot and require your attention.  I wouldn't be surprised if he decides that DS would be better off with you so it doesn't cost him as much.

debtfreewannabe321

skint_spice said:

Is he not taking away from DD’s welfare then by trying not to pay? Don’t engage or engage as little as possible, he is trying to maintain a level of control over you, try to give him as little as possible. Easier said than done I know but enjoy your day off.

Yes this is what DP and my friend keep saying to me. What has astounded me the most is when he had his yearly review they worked out he'd be paying whatever amount and I hadn't logged on to find out as I knew DS was going with dad...well it's got ex's income on there. He earns more than DP and I put together as well as what he was paying me all last year for maintenance. AND yet(!!!) he's maintained throughout this time he's poor, mum takes all my money from me, blah blah etc etc. he's guilt tripped ds into believing these lies and I dread to think what he's telling him now. But to be clear my income+DP+old maintenance amount was £4k less than what he brings in on his own. We managed to move home, have savings, and maintain a decent standard of living with FOUR people in our home. He cried about being poor with £4k more a year than we had with ONE person in his house. I am actually astonished at the flipping audacity of that man. And yet I was willing to forgive the 'debt' and move on and he got greedy and nasty and stated what he thought was fair and honest. I'm glad I backtracked and said no now and will let CMS deal with him. He lives in an army house too and I know how cheap they are as we lived in one together for a decade. 
Fuming. It was this manipulation of my children's emotions to feel sorry for him that made me say, you know what he can pay me what CMS thinks he should rather than us taking care of a child each and forgetting about it..if he Is telling them what a money grabber I am then I should act the part 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I wonder if he will get angry and say something he shouldn't to DS which will show this Facade slipping... He's doing a grand job so far making me look like the baddie. I'd like to think he will send DS home @slm6002 but I think he knows how deeply this has upset me so he'll keep hold of him if nothing else than to hurt me. I'd give all the money up to just have my son home and talking to me again and I think he knows it ☹️.
He's toxic as hell. The new gf is so welcome to him but I can't help feel she has a lot to do with this money and child grabbing so I restrict myself to only mildly feeling sorry for her. He was never this bothered about having the kids for long periods of time nevermind having one live with him. 

At least for now I've shifted from anxiety to anger. 😬🤔 Hoping it will reduce to feeling nothing about the situation in time. But the anxiety was crippling...the anger gives me the impetus to carry on.

daisy_1571

print it out so if it ever comes up again 1 you know you are remembering the figures correctly and 2 you can ask ds to calmly have a look at the figures and see if it agrees with what his dad is telling him.  I know that conversation won't be soon but I'd bet you'll have it one day even if its many years in the future 


Lastly of course I hope u get lovely ds home soon but if he returns now he's going to be toxic ds still so I'm hoping he stays there long enough to have tge scales drop from his eyes

Take care 

D   

KajiKita

daisy_1571 said:

Lastly of course I hope u get lovely ds home soon but if he returns now he's going to be toxic ds still so I'm hoping he stays there long enough to have tge scales drop from his eyes

I must admit that this was my first thought when you talked about DS2 coming back. You do not need that energy in the house, dragging you, DD and DP down … You have enough to deal with atm.

He needs to *appreciate* what it is he would be coming back to …

I’m glad your anger is finally rising. Use it wisely. Keep this anger cold, clear, logical and utterly factual when it comes to the Ex, and he and you, will find that he can no longer ‘touch you’. S’funny, I was only talking to my colleague this morning about this kind of anger and how I used it to cope with and get through the process of ex-idiot-boss divesting me … 😉😊

KK

debtfreewannabe321

I think I might print it. I have screenshot lots of our chat and the page with his earnings.

And I also found a chat I had screenshot and emailed to myself from 2017. The year after we split. He was telling me what he thought was 'appropriate to live on' and 'enough' and 'fair and honest' telling me how much he'd pay me maintenance for three children....I was too scared to go to CMS then and didn't go for a long time. And because I so readily accepted anything from him then he is probably thinking I will do the same now. It is crazy he's using the same words and language as he did back then because they both read the same. 2017 & 2025. 😳
My kids don't ever want to hear anything bad about him when I try to defend what he says they tell me all I do is moan - which I do not btw. 

Anyway I agree with you both, it would be best if DS really had his eyes opened properly and saw that I am not lying about anything because he's not willing to listen to anything I say. 

DP is upstairs right now painting his room. I feel so sad it won't be his room for much longer. I will be using that one for the fostering if we get through. If DS returns he will use the back bedroom which is smaller. But honestly, I don't want to kid myself here, I don't think he will return not to live permanently. He intends on going to a college next year where he can live in and so he wouldn't have been at either mine or ex's house. And if he wants to come back here he will always have a room. Just not necessarily the one he left. I mean how long should one put their life on hold for if someone has left and refuses to talk to them? 

debtfreewannabe321

Pluses of today, because it's not all negative-

I got my refund.
I dried two lots of washing outside.
I made £25 on FB.
The house is relatively clean.
DP has finally put some paint on the awful red walls in DS room. We've grey washed it for now to neutralise it then will go neutral greige I think. .
Happy to see my EF is up to almost £450 😃.

debtfreewannabe321

Morning all, I am back to work at 10.
It's a short day so at least it's an easy one.

The child benefit came in today and has been halved. No letter yet but I was obviously expecting this.
No more messages from the ex thankfully. Still feeling quite angry about it all. I wish sometimes we'd invented time machines, I would go back to a time where I never met him. My life could have been so different without his manipulation, lying and controlling tactics always making me out to be something I'm not. Everything feels like a game with him where he has to win. He must never know what it's like to feel actual peace. 

Anyway, I cancelled my green chef this morning, it's too expensive and some of the recipes are so fiddly and time consuming. We've kept the recipe cards so could always replicate the ones we do have already. 

I don't know what's happening for Christmas yet. I was supposed to have my Children this year but I can't see that happening. I think it will be me,. DP and just DD. That will be strange. I've never had a Christmas with just one child (aside from obviously when DS was an only child). Everything feels up in the air regarding so much right now. One day at a time...but it's hard when everyone is planning their Christmas and I won't know until nearer the time. 

DS still stonewalling me. I haven't messaged him in a week now. Sorry I'm trying not to be so miserable on here but I feel genuinely heart broken and it's made all the worse by a lying ex who's painted me to be something I'm not. I am missing my DS so much even though he was difficult to live with the last couple of years. I still miss his face every day. ☹️

Right anyway, best go shower and get ready for work. 

debtfreewannabe321

Bit of an issue with some shoes we ordered for DP so I've had to do a rush order on a.maz0n. and as it is such short notice now I've paid for three pairs 🤦🏻‍♀️ one in his usual size, one wide, one larger. Hopefully one will fit and I can send the other two back immediately for a refund and when the other shoes we ordered arrive I will send those back to the seller too (I ordered some on v1nted but the lady has posted the wrong ones so has asked for me to send parcel straight back for the right one but we don't have time now as need it all sorted for Thur).. nothing like short notice eh 🤣.

Work was ok but I have emailed my line manager I'm not sure if boundaries are being blurred a little by me meeting my student before class for a chat and then allowing her to sit with me at lunch because she has no one else to sit with. If it's ok with my manager I'm ok with it but I thought I ought to check 🤔. Today I made an excuse and went to the park to sit and eat but she found me when I came back and spent the last forty minutes or so with me (we had super long lunch today).

We have had the plumber quotes in and are going ahead with the jobs. Even with my EF I don't have enough to pay for it. I'm a couple of hundred short. So hopefully the work will be set for next month now and I can save enough money for that. I'd put It off and save for it separately but I'd like a tap in the new kitchen and the boiler still needs a service and we need the drainage finished also the old gas cookers need disconnecting safely. All messy laborious jobs or beyond DP and it means we can finally take the old kitchen out and finish the flooring in there (we still have huge channels in the floor covered over with hardboard 🤣). 

Just heard back from my manager and lunches with students no no more for my sake than anything so I will tell student it's a no (quite glad I like to read my book in peace).

beanielou

Glad you checked with your manager. 

debtfreewannabe321

Bah! I started a post and lost it as neglected it for three hours 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

So in short :- 
NSD (I avoided naughty food and drink at college)
New table and chairs arrived a day early (just now) and look fab 🤩 
DP is cooking me dinner as I went to the exercise class I had booked in. 
Child maintenance has been writing to me again and ringing me! So rang them back and they explained to me how to do it online as I couldn't find the right place 🙄🙈. That's done. 
More issues with student from yesterday and she was messaging me all morning I sent her to someone else to deal with as very aware of breaching any boundaries of student/ adult here. 
Shoes have arrived en masse. Need to try them on DP and send rejects back tomorrow. 
DD asked what child maintenance wants so I explained to her the situation and even she could see how sneaky ex was being (so didn't need pointing out!)