Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

debtfreewannabe321

No @daisy_1571 you're totally right on all counts.

 I've already spoken to the SW and said the reasons I'd love to help children with fostering BUT I have my own triggers, I have my own trauma and c-ptsd to deal with. I've stated outright I will not be fostering puberty aged kids. It seems to me to be the most challenging (and triggering) and I won't do that to myself. I also won't have children in the house same age as my children. And they said they wouldn't really place any same age as yours anyway usually because of all sorts of safeguarding reasons (for my kids as well as LAC). 
I love the part of my job where I help people and for the most part this is what I do. Make a difference to their emotional state, offering an ear or perspective and a voice of reason to troubled kids, I also like to help them academically and I offer other support to those with disability etc and this is why I'm always drawn back to helping youngsters. I think there is a part of me that always wished there was someone like me when I was their age. 
However our home is my safe space I've already said what I will help with and what I won't. If it's too strict a parameter then I guess I won't get a placement. My friend who works for the company told me to be this strict btw in what I ask for. She's known me since childhood. She knows my traumas. And she knows how the system works. Although she can't take part in this process because of conflict of interest she can help once approved so I know she'll have my back. 100%.

My DS I spoke to him last year when he Was still here and 'ok' with us all about this. So even though he's telling his father right now, I'm being replaced he knows deep down it's not. I can't control what his father says and I have to just release that now.
Working in a team ...I do this already at work most of my students are safeguarding. And LAC. I also did it in a previous job. 

Basically daisy I do not have it in me to have a career like many of you ☹️. I burn out very easily. I've thought many times about returning to uni and just getting my pgce and getting my career. My trauma is deep rooted and I have bouts of being up and down and immunity not good. My triggers are known by me now but they're hard to navigate still.
My mother and both sisters ended up on benefits because they all have c-ptsd and cannot barely function all three barely leaves the house.
So although I do struggle I still keep trying. I know I can't do the usual 9-5 mon-fri but I absolutely thrived as a SAHM because I had plenty of downtime and fun time and could set my own routine for the most part. I also have the support of DP. It is absolutely a 24/7 thing and I doubt anyone goes into this for money alone. If you work it out it is probably pennies for every hour you have them under your roof. It is an income still though and I will be trying to help those in need. 
If it doesn't work out. It doesn't work out.
I'll have at least tried. I'm not sure what else to do or try. Something else would likely come up though and I'll try something else if this fails.

It will literally be written on my headstone. She kept getting back up and trying again and again. Many different paths, some work out, some don't. 🫣🤣

I won't beat myself up if it doesn't work out but it would be nice if it did.

I feel the most rewarding job I ever did was bringing my children up until they reached puberty then you kinda step back and aren't needed so much any more (and boys! Omg I find their temper so triggering and hard to navigate ). But still... I ramble but I have thought long and hard over it. I have spoken to my best friend (the one who works there) and asked a hundred questions. And I even dropped it for months and thought about it a lot until I was ready to go for it. Mine and DP view is, what do we have to lose just trying it. Although the process is lengthy it's only time we are giving up. It doesn't cost us anything and we've done lots of useful courses I think (a few useless ones but hey ho) so even If that's all I take away I'm always of the opinion, I learned something from this process and it's what makes my tapestry of life interesting 😊.
Work is temporary I will absolutely not be staying there long term because I feel the students are safeguarded to the hilt. The staff .....not at all. I don't feel safe when students with issues kick off...

Right tip run. So we can clear the carport and also pick up some post from the old house in one journey 🙂. DP is calling me whilst I ramble on here. 

beanielou

As I say ‘Fall down 7 times , stand up 8’. It’s an old Japanese proverb’. ❤️

daisy_1571

Thanks for that dfw, I knew I would only be saying what you'd already thought of but even as a random internet stranger i got an attack of the worries for you so couldn't in all conscience not say

Dxx

debtfreewannabe321

Morning all, yesterday was not as chilled as I hoped. We had a bit of a long teams call with the social worker doing our forms. First off it took us about 15 mins just to get connected and hear one another 🤦🏻‍♀️ ugh technology!
DP and I felt a like blindsided as we hadn't been told what to expect from the call and assumed it was a quick one. Turned into well over an hour and half. And felt a little bit on the attack about all our weak spots (as I assume most humans have). We managed to get some face to face appointments in though.
My exidiot had given his reference of me. The SW said, hmm I could see there is some conflict there but he said you're basically a good person at the core. I was unsure whether to see that as a positive or negative.
 
Anyway after that we went swimming with DD and only one session had been put on for the whole day. So it was packed. I swapped lanes and still too busy for me, arms flailing everywhere in my direction and I did my minimum of 12 and got out. Sat in the steam room and a lady started telling us her life story which was okay, I get this every day, in fact perhaps I'll make my money writing up everyone else's story that I am told and sell that 😆😉. I've heard some corkers. I felt a bit stressed though because 1- I was wanting quiet time. 2- she didn't really have a conversation she just talked at me (TBF which is what most do when they decide to just tell all to me).
DP and I went home not really de-stressed and made a nice dinner from the green chef box and flaked in front of the TV for the rest of the night. Absolutely exhausted.
I did two washes yesterday though so all caught up on that and dp did some ironing.

Today's plan- avoid people for the most part because I do just get random strangers finding me wanting to talk, which I love usually but today I'm just feeling delicate (already overwhelmed) and in need of down time. I do need some bits from the shops though, I'm making a shepherd-less pie. 😀😉 I've already got lentils and tomatoes for it but I need some veg. So will pop to Mr W it's the nearest to us and people tend not to talk to me in there 🤭 it's too posh and I don't fit in (good for anonymity).

The cucumber plants in the greenhouse are dying off now so I think they're done. Lots of green toms -I don't know how long they will take to go red as it's got much colder so I might have to look up green tomato chutney recipes. 

Right a cuppa and refocus before I start the day. 

KajiKita

Ooh, that call sounded tough, well done for surviving it! And yaay for the actually positive, if couched in grudges, reference from the Ex. I’d take that as a big win to be fair! 😊

Shame about the gym. I used to get that ‘people talking at me’ all the time - not so much any more unless I choose to let them … 😉 

Love that you are anonymous in Mr W - I find the same with MnS! 😂😂 I think I’m just too ‘scruffy’ or unconventional 😉🤷‍♀️😊

You could bring the toms in and leave them somewhere warm with another ripe one or two, that should help them turn. Your cucumbers have done well to last this long - mine died off weeks ago. 

I wonder if you should tell work how badly affected you were by the incident last week? You still don’t sound right to me and I am a little worried for you to be going back into the maelstrom of your job before you are quite ready and fully defended again …

KK

beanielou

Agree with KK about having a chat with someone at work about the incidents. 

debtfreewannabe321

Thanks KK I appreciate the concern (& beanie) I spoke to my manager on Friday about it. I've said I won't stand for it like I did last time. Still a bit apprehensive about going in if he's there especially considering we are in the kitchen of all places and there were a lot of knives around. I will just walk out next time and refuse to go back in.

Today we did the largest course we were sent, we did it together side by side with two laptops 😆. It should have taken four hours but I skipped through most of it. As 3/4 was exactly the same as the one I have just done at work as a refresher. It room dp longer to do. But it's done. 

We went to the gym and then I made a nice shepherdless pie and DD helped me make a crumble with all the fruit from the garden.
I had enough dinner left for portions for DP's and my lunch tomorrow and I made some overnight oats for DD and I to share in the morning.

Not done much else, feeling more rested and relaxed today. Tomorrow is an easy-ish day I'm with a student from last year who requested me back so I know most of the group well. Tues I think is good too so the only challenge this week will probably be Thursday again. 

Right off to watch a bit of TV then an early night I think. 

KajiKita

Ah, now you’re sounding better …. 😊 Good. Have a lovely evening and a good night’s sleep 💤 

KK

debtfreewannabe321

Ooo and I forgot to say, we've booked two nights away in December for a Christmas market. DD asked if we could go to one and we decided to coincide it with a trip to see DS1. Let's just hope DS 1 is home. He's so shady about when he's home or not. And when he goes away he doesn't say where..I know it's the nature of his job but it's really annoying to pin him down to anything. Hopefully he'll be there, and if not we will enjoy the few nights away anyway.

We're also looking to maybe go somewhere for a few nights in Oct half term. Not decided where yet and if we definitely will. It will mostly depend on budget I guess 😊.

Right I'm off to bed absolutely exhausted from the gym (when does it get easier!) 

Baldybear

De lurking to help with the green tomatoes, we picked all of ours as they refused to ripen on the plant!  We have them on a windowsill.im a bowl with a banana then a teatowel.over the top or cam use a brown bag, just so its dark, the banana ripening lets of some chemicals and takes a few days but voila red tomatoes ☺️