Watty's Awakening

LadyWithAPlan

Also sending a big hug ! It’s ok to let the feelings out - 
@PenniesIntoPounds advice on making your bedroom comforting is lovely 
watch trashy tv or read trashy books you love - at least the animals will get you out of bed which is a good thing 
if you have the energy for a walk after checking the horses do so as fresh air really helps - yoga is also great for getting back into your  body even if you are crying at the time 

Watty1

Thank you all so much for thinking of me. I'm just about keeping going. This is undoubtable the crash I hoped I would avoid.  

KajiKita

Watty1 said:

Thank you all so much for thinking of me. I'm just about keeping going. This is undoubtable the crash I hoped I would avoid.  

Perhaps it’s not a ‘crash’ (sounds horribly destructive) but a ‘reboot’ (a bit more of a gathering of thoughts, laying things out for reflection, giving yourself time to reset things including priorities) ….? 

Whatever. I am sending you huge, gentle, comforting, sustaining, soul-warming hugs x

You are not alone, you have us crazy lot! 😉 Are you reaching out to offline friends? 

KK 

PennysIntoPounds

Just about keeping going is a brilliant achievement.
One can't avoid a crash forever and you have a lot of processing and grieving and recovering your brain needs to do, so you take your time and be kind to yourself in whatever way is needed, and if that's crying under a blanket then that's what's necessary.
We're all here for you and rooting for you x

beanielou

Keep plodding 

daisy_1571

Sometimes just about keeping going is indeed a brilliant achievement.   I like the idea of reframing it as a reboot/rebirth type of thing. 

I also wonder if it actually means you are 'getting over it' enough that your unconscious is able to 'look' into another level of emotions?   Stuff that's been shut away in a sealed box until you felt able to open a corner of the lid and have a little peek inside? 

You have been making great strides: house, garden, work.  You also had a few triggers that you coped with: vnm mother,  contact with the ahole, a nice day out with underlying anxiety of face to face contact.  I wonder if thats allowed a layer of the onion of protection to slough away?  If so, that could be a good thing?  Uncomfortable whilst going through it, but a good thing in the longer term?

Take care, be gentle 

Watty1

I love the idea suggested by @daisy_1571 that my unconscious is taking a sneak peak in the box, that might be so.

thank you all for your kind thoughts and good wishes and i am feeling a little bit stronger.  I don't feel up to doing very much so just animal care and work.   One of the agricultural types has turned up again on the maintenance front and has continued clearing.  He has finally found my chain harrow and numerous other bits of clutter most of which the VNM has taken to work to dispose of in the bins there which was kind of him.  A lot of wood has been cut for the wood burner this winter (there were 5 ton bags full yesterday) and he will store in the woodshed later for me.  Again, storing the wood is something I could do but I am trying to be really kind to me and just pay someone to do that.  Today he begins splitting the logs

All this clearing has revealed a neighbour has planted a row of black elder all along the side of the fence so it overhangs the field.  I'm cross as it is poisonous to horses but I cannot really say much as that area of the field was not used for 6 maybe 7 years so I will just have to fence it off so the horses cannot get near it but that is for worrying about another day as we still have to spray and reseed now the area is cleared.

That is it. No major decluttering, no projects, just work and animal care which is all I feel capable of a the moment.

Watty1

In animal news WattyDog has been limping so off to the vets we went £112 spent.  I'm not entirely sure the drugs were essential as the vet found a sore spot on the paw but I agreed to them anyway and as a result WattyDog is hurtling about with no regard for the sore paw!  (It looked like something had got in there and hopefully will work its way out, I'm pleased it is not arthritis or joint related).

Charming Cob has decided that the four weeks box rest is not worth doing (10 days in) and became quite firm on this.  He adopted the strategy of "out of control" tank and as a result I have abandoned vet instructions and given him a section of the field and bribe him with copious amounts of hay to keep him calm and I am hopeful that his arthritis treatment will work in spite of not following vet advice.

Watty1

Finally in financial news because there should be some  I worked out this morning the emergency bill fund will cover the house bills for 2.5 months.   I am delighted by this. My goal has been to get one years worth in that account for the essential bills and given I have spent a lot on the house this seems really good.

LadyWithAPlan

So sorry re the annoying neighbours- you can at least chop anything coming your side 

I have been watching my new obsession Gentle art of Swedish Death Cleaning and the psychologist on there is to help people move through grief or process old memories etc - she often says ‘emotions need to be in motion’ so feelings should be looked at, allowed to breathe, processed and then can move on so not getting stuck 
Sounds like where you are at - mid healing ! 

You can watch the programme 8 episodes all with different people for free on the u.co.uk streaming - there are ads . But no credit card needed etc
i have shed a few tears through some of the episodes but it’s very life affirming after loss and so I would encourage you to watch an episode - they start gently - with a 75 yr old healthy woman looking back at a fabulous career and death cleaning to how she lives now / not surrounded by clutter on the past and for her to live her present in the way she chooses
My flat is not there but is much clearer already 

keep on moving those emotions through you and out the door   (Whilst singing I will Survive and maybe Britney’s Stronger !