Watty's Awakening

KajiKita

Recognising and applauding your insight and resolution. 

Have a good week 😊

KK

Watty1

Thank you all.  Special thanks for the PM that helped me work through this all.      This board is so wonderful, supportive and encouraging all the time. You are all awesome thank you.

Watty1

The Care Assessment was yesterday for the short term relief care until social services do their assessment.  She was not pleased to discover I had listed myself as carer along with the VNM as it was the only way to arrange this.  She has insisted on a friend of hers listed also which is fine by me although I could not help thinking a "thank you" might be more appropriate.

Anyway that all passed off ok and she has help twice a day starting in the next day or so.  That with her friend, grand-children and the VNM's ex wife and the cleaner should be enough for me to go back to my usual position of not visiting because I find her rude to me  (she usually is rude in someway most of which i have ignored for politeness although i did once say one of the lovely things about her was that mostly people are rude behind one's back at least she was upfront about it)

I had assumed her care would be funded as I had assumed that she was not well off but it seems she is very well off indeed and a row followed with the VNM because i had not told him she would need to pay for her care given the amount she has in the bank and he had told her it would be funded.    He was a bit astounded when I said frankly I couldn't care less and that if he was going to fret about telling her he might as well leave it to the assessment process.  Further astounded when I said that I now realised she had enough money to pay for 10 years care so now i had her in the system the pair of them could get her needs assessment done and interview suitable agencies to pay for what she needs without my input but the only tip I would give was not to cut costs at this point!  Finished off with the cat will never darken my door and yes i realised I had said I would have it before I knew I was keeping WattyDog but the old girl needed to realise times and situations change.

I did later apologise for being so cross but that said the facts remained but I could have put it better and he admitted he is finding it all very very difficult and feels stuck in such a dark difficult place and had let that colour his judgement  This time I wisely kept quiet about how difficult she is being and offered some sympathy for his position.

I think this will run and run and I will now need to keep my boundaries very firm.   

Humdinger1

Dearest @Watty1, you are handling this superbly.   In my view, the best help you can give VNM is show him how to assert boundaries and stand up to manipulation. His mother may be vulnerable but is also a piece of work! Give up his job...WTAF. Love Humdinger xx 

daisy_1571

its v hard dealing with an unpleasant person especially if by their outer show of infirmity it would seem like strong picking on the weak.

In a relaxed environment, have you had a conversation with vnm about her?  Does he see the way she speaks to yourself and others?  Or have the family got used to excusing her behaviour or even pretending she's not saying things that are out of order?   

I understand he was disappointed about the funding however unless the full extent of her finances had been discussed its not really fair to blame you for not knowing.   Certainly a good reason to suggest for not getting involved in decision making in the future. 

It would be nice if there was a united front shown by all who come into contact with her but it sounds like that ain't going to happen.  If vnm can indeed start to put some boundaries in place that he is comfortable with, it might well be a good thing for him going forward.  Sadly with people like her they can find fault with anything,  even when others bend over backwards.   To my way of thinking if I cant please someone no matter what I do, that makes it easier to do things that, whilst still kind and caring, suit me.  I know some people would just try harder and harder.

Just my pondering,  dont feel you need to comment, these situations are always more nuanced in real life than can ever be discussed in a written format 

Sending hugs

Dxx

KajiKita

You are a phenomenon! 😊👏 Proper proud of you and agree with the comment made about showing VNM how to manage boundaries. 

KK

Viking_mfw

Chiming in here to say well done. Both for being such a helpful and considerate person in doing all this for her, and also for stepping away. 

When I read about her wanting VNM to give up work to care for her, it struck me that that kind of fixation that logically you know can't happen is the perfect thing for people who love to complain and berate others. Nothing he did would be good enough. If he did do it she would find a way to be disappointed in him for that. 

Very sensible to step away and let them sort it out between them. I am also reminded of when my father separated from my stepmother and my sister told him exactly what she thought about her. Then of course they got back together. The point being, discretion is the better part of valour sometimes and it sounds like you're doing a superhuman job of remembering that!

Watty1

Oh my goodness you are all so wonderful with such wise comments.

I am certainly not a hero, I have said some very cutting things about her being a very difficult old lady and been far too frank about my thoughts and so moving forwards my learning point will be to practice saying nothing at all as I want to leave the family to deal with this.   They love her and indulge her and forgive her immediately saying nice things about her so they have a history with her I do not and they are maybe all kind and nicer that me or maybe we accept things in families we might not in others.  Or maybe they are just sucked in. I  know how hard it was with the ex to realise what was going on and while I was in the midst I did not see it or feel it or understand it. I just knew "something" was wrong.

My practical and organisational bit (part of my skill set) is done. Her first career calls in this morning for an hour as a gentle introduction to having someone there. I did arrange a mobility assessment and physio to see if she could be helped to walk with a little more confidence indoors but these have been declined and I simply said, practising my skills, that is a shame but it is her choice.   With my grandmother and my ex's father these teams were amazing helping them build muscle and regaining the ability to walk with confidence and so I thought this would really help but she does not want that so I will let that one go.   I feel I have done what my skill set is good at, research options and persuade people to come on board and deal with this quickly.

I can now return to my desk, to my work and to sorting out my house.   I am hoping an electrician appears soon to sort the sockets out.  Yesterday I hung a picture of a horse I used to have opposite the front door.  He is the horse that was responsible in part for this house so it seemed fitting to hang a picture of him there.  This morning I hung 3 antique fruit prints on the landing.   Hopefully today some more picture hanging stuff will arrive in the post so the charity shop mirrors can be hung too.

savingholmes

Sorry about VNM's mum. Glad  you are holding boundaries. Wise to keep your mouth shut when you can. I know how hard that can be!!

Good you are cracking on with what you can control and continue to decorate your home. Glad the jump session with the horse went okay and you have ideas of how to progress that further.

Watty1

Today I hung some prints as my tiny step to making the house mine.

The carer did not turn up for the VNM's mother because she was sick and the charity only has a team of 6 as they provide relief work until something permanent is sorted. There is an assumption that whoever was managing will manage care when they do not turn up.  Apparently the mother was very cross. I simply said oh what a shame but once it starts for real it will work I am sure.

Mainly today I have concentrated on work can cleared a lot of the backlog. Tomorrow I have a list which is more project stuff rather than day to day work.  My course which took a back step should finally be up and running and I want to add blog posts to my website. I have no idea how to do this so that will be something I need to learn (or ask my new PA to do).

I am surprised how tired I am.   All of this drama has certainly touched some buttons in me for sure.  I am glad my part is done.