Watty's Awakening

PennysIntoPounds

Someone wanting to help because they care about you is a world away from someone telling you you're incapable because they want to control you. It is of course essential that you feel competent and consenting, but also be careful not to let ex's internalised messages push a good man away and turn down a helping hand. You deserve a nice person who wants to share life tasks with you x

Brewerspride

PennysIntoPounds said:

Someone wanting to help because they care about you is a world away from someone telling you you're incapable because they want to control you. It is of course essential that you feel competent and consenting, but also be careful not to let ex's internalised messages push a good man away and turn down a helping hand. You deserve a nice person who wants to share life tasks with you x

I was going to say something similar but you put it so much better than I could!

teapot2

Also I imagine from what you have written that this is a far more equitable relationship in the sense that you are supporting and helping each other?  Its not all a one way street x

LadyWithAPlan

PennysIntoPounds said:

Someone wanting to help because they care about you is a world away from someone telling you you're incapable because they want to control you. It is of course essential that you feel competent and consenting, but also be careful not to let ex's internalised messages push a good man away and turn down a helping hand. You deserve a nice person who wants to share life tasks with you x

So so true! 

Watty1

@PennysIntoPounds has put a lovely view on it thank you.  Yes, if we take yesterday the VNM was pottering about between work and dinner and said he had fun fixing stuff.    As for the grass, his point was I was very capable of mowing that and it it was far more fun to mend the stable lights.  He was really excited by his repair and that it works. 

Therein lies the difference I realise. He was excited by doing something and had fun doing it and at no point did he make me feel "less than" .  Goodness it is all a learning curve.

Watty1

In other news I sold the sun dial from the garden on market place.  I bought it many years ago as a gift for the ex. He never seemed particularly excited by it although he did get a plinth for it. However the dial and plinth were never united, the plinth has long since disappeared and for years the sundial  was just dumped in the log store.

Often times looking at it reminded me of that Christmas, of  subsequent trials and of the traumas of Christmas past so I popped it on Marketplace.  Perhaps too cheap as my phone has not stopped pinging and it sold within minutes of going up.  I will spend the money on a bottle of wine and my contribution to the salad for the the girls Pizza night one of my friends is organising tomorrow.

savingholmes

I think getting rid of toxic clutter - both mental and physical is important.

I've given away or sold a lot of what ex-MIL gave me - although ironically not what Ex did - as I'd usually bought it myself and given it him just to wrap - that he then paid DD to do for him (roll eyes).

I'm glad highlighting the saboteurs has helped. I still have to fight guilt spending £ on a handyman - even though I can now afford it (for now at least). He's very particular - which I like - and had hung my curtain pole with the central support exactly in the middle of the window. There's an excellence that comes with that - which my Ex never bothered with. I'm also enjoying not having to nag anyone to do things - there's just a paid list of tasks someone is working through. When the time is right - getting some help in can work.

I wouldn't turn away free help from VNM though. I totally agree with what the others wrote above. He's benefitting too from your place so it's good and proper that he wants to give back and cares about you enough to find the things that will support you without undermining your own sense of competence. I think it's also about remembering that if you are a giraffe there's no point trying to act like a fish or vice versa. You seem to be self-employed - but it's impossible and unrealistic to expect to do everything that needs doing all by yourself. If you think about it - you already have a supporting team - your vet, your farrier, your horse whisperer, VNM and I'm sure there are others. They each fill different roles in your life - and enable you to play to your own strengths.

HTH.

ajmoney

savingholmes said:

I wouldn't turn away free help from VNM though. I totally agree with what the others wrote above. He's benefitting too from your place so it's good and proper that he wants to give back and cares about you enough to find the things that will support you without undermining your own sense of competence. I think it's also about remembering that if you are a giraffe there's no point trying to act like a fish or vice versa. You seem to be self-employed - but it's impossible and unrealistic to expect to do everything that needs doing all by yourself. If you think about it - you already have a supporting team - your vet, your farrier, your horse whisperer, VNM and I'm sure there are others. They each fill different roles in your life - and enable you to play to your own strengths.

I love this 

daisy_1571

Seconding everything everyone has said.  I understand your need to be self sufficient and know how to do everything you may need but at the moment there's other things to focus on.  Gie yersel a break, hen, as we lovingly say in the frozen North lol.  Theres time to learn all that when all other aspects of your life are sorted and running smoothly. 

Daisy xxx

Watty1

@savingholmes  there should be a love emoji rather than just a thanks button for some posts and your last one was one that I really loved.

So many people on here have really helped, and I also loved the comment from @daisy_1571 that there will be time to learn when everything is running smoothly. For some reason that had never actually occurred to me, I was thinking I have to get it all sorted "now" but of course there is time in the future to learn.  For now I can just put one foot in front of the other and do what I need to here and there.