Watty's Awakening

LadyWithAPlan

I am also impressed at your hands off but there if you need me support 
it’s ok for you to stay home and not always go with him to the house especially if it’s kicking off memories of your family and the PPH 
it’s ok to say I need a day of horses etc 

the house sounds very in need of Swedish Dearh Cleaning - it’s a reminder for me to continue especially as I plan to buy so aiming for 20 mins a day in a drawer or some such 

@ajmoney maybe show your mum the gentle art of swedish death cleaning - they can watch it fir free on the u.co.uk web channel 
I sent it my mum and she watched 3 episodes and immediately cleaned out her linen closet - she also just decluttered any unused this year Xmas decorations as well - she has stuff from her parents as well so 


Well done Watty on the pension /isa new focus 

Suffolk_lass

As @badmemory suggests, much of our stuff is online. There was a little push a few years ago that your will needs to include permission for your POA and/or executor to access, update and close your online self in all forms. My friend's long deceased wife still tells me it's her birthday as he was not able to close down her face-ache account at the time, and with no presence himself, he has no desire to do so now.

KajiKita

Suffolk_lass said:

As @badmemory suggests, much of our stuff is online. There was a little push a few years ago that your will needs to include permission for your POA and/or executor to access, update and close your online self in all forms. My friend's long deceased wife still tells me it's her birthday as he was not able to close down her face-ache account at the time, and with no presence himself, he has no desire to do so now.

That must be quite hard …. If it gets too much I suppose you could always block her account? 

KK

PennysIntoPounds

Great that the will was found. I have to admit 'At least the bag was marked "stuff that will not fit in my briefcase"' made me chuckle, sounds like the sort of organising-in-a-fit-of-pique I'd do 😁

Echoing the support for you doing as much or little as you feel comfortable with. And this grief is very fresh, hopefully one or both of them will have a 'right, let's get on with it' mindset soon.
Has the death been registered and Tell Us Once done?

Hope you've got some nice winter sunshine to go for a walk in, and some treat drinks and dinner for later x

Alchemilla

Cherryfudge said:

This sounds to be along similar lines to the 'Life Book' that Age UK does. You can enter details of bank accounts and other financial things but also what animals you have, who your immediate family are, where you keep your medications etc. Lots of good ideas, though I found I needed extra space for bank accounts as the page is small!

I really mean to do one. Dave Ramsey calls it a legacy file.

badmemory

There are so many different names for it & what we need to put in is different for all of us & often depends on who is going to be left to deal with our carp.  The important thing is to do it & the bonus is it actually makes it easier to deal with it ourselves, well that is what I have found. 

I just really need to declutter.  Declutter being a euphamism (sp) for getting rid of all that junk that has been sitting in the loft for over 30 years since I moved from a house almost twice the size & did not declutter anything like enough.  That is ignoring the stuff I have accumulated in the 30 years since.  At least since the hip op I can now actually get up there.  Backside kicking definitely required.

gallygirl

Watty1 said:

    I mean who hides wills under their bed in a bag.  At least the bag was marked "stuff that will not fit in my briefcase".

Probably someone like my BIL. Despite knowing his mum wanted burying in Ireland and her death was pretty imminent he didn't know where his passport was and thought it had expired anyway. At one stage he was looking in bin bags stored in the attic. "What kind of idiot would put a passport in a bag in the attic?" I remember thinking.... Not him, it wasn't there. Finally found it two days later. In a bin bag. In the shed. And expected us to say "well done on finding it" .

daisy_1571

Watty1 said:

@astrocytic_kitten I really like the people to notify list too. I will add that.

We have really struggled with VNM mother people.  There are 5 address books of varying ages and helpfulness plus her ipad and still he thinks we have not found the latest one.   I have a feeling I might have moved it when I cleared space in the living room for her bed but I'm not sure as I was careful to keep stuff she might need together and we have an address book from there.  We also found the actual will last night. That was in a bag under the bed (of course it was).     

He is now struggling a lot with this as he feels he is not doing "the right thing" by her at all.  I have counselled getting a solicitor on board to sort out the paperwork and accounts asap as whilst I can do and did for PPH father until that all went pear shaped I feel as though I need to be so careful and I don't really want to.  With PPH father I cleared and sorted as I went but neither him or his daughter want to touch anything or throw anything away and I had not realised how the mess makes me feel until we found the will yesterday evening.    I mean who hides wills under their bed in a bag.  At least the bag was marked "stuff that will not fit in my briefcase".

Hoping all well.  I hope too that this feeling of not doing right by her is dissipating.  Sorry to say it but she possibly neither knows nor cares what is happening now.  The important thing is that he did the right thing by her when she was here, alive, knowing, making her views known etc.  He visited, helped her, always tried to have her in a safe warm situation where she was clothed, fed, visited by friends and family etc.  That was her own house for as long as possible then the nest care situation he could find. Thats many times more important than this difficult to pin down feeling that she wouldn't be pleased with what hes doing now.  (Does this possibly this comes from the feeling that she often found fault with life and everyone she came across as she seemed to be  difficult person? )

Anyhoo, hope you've been able to reassure him whilst still keeping your own strength reserves 

Dxxx

Watty1

Thanks for your lovely comments.    I love this forum more and more. Reading over them there are some fabulous ideas (and the one about giving permission to close accounts is something I will put into my file as i make it as it is not in my will.  Although my will made in a hurry whilst settling with PPH needs updating now I am a woman of property in my own name

I think because she was a difficult to please woman in life, this part is difficult for him.  After all this part is for the living not the dead.

Friday night he had a very bad night, kicking out and muttering so I finally gave up my hands off approach and assumed command in a very bossy style.    I suggested/told him we were going to work on things together and after mucking out 3 horses I sat him at the dining room table with the latest address book (found finally) and her Ipad and said while he finished contacting people i would sort the financial papers.   A huge pile has been put out for recycling, some shredded and  a neat pile with sensible notes made for the solicitor who is to be appointed on Monday (I suggested he used the one he spoke to Friday that he liked and who has sent a fixed fee).    My notes sheet is annotated with things for them to check because she seems to have been a fan of opening multiple accounts and not closing them (note to self as I have a few unused ones) and whilst I think I have traced everything I would like the solicitor to check my work.

The jewellery has been found and sorted to go to those who she has gifted it in her will and he is meeting his daughter later to take hers with him whilst they choose an outfit for her to be cremated in.    (Choosing an outfit seems to be to be a very emotionally distressing thing to do but it is important to her granddaughter).

On the passport in a bin liner in a shed - 4 beautiful rings (including a most gorgeous 1910 diamond hoop ring)  were found in a jam jar.  The jewellery box is a random collection of odd things.  I only knew to look for the jam jar because in one of her I'm going to die dramas years ago the jam jar was sent to me to make sure no one stole it

Then suitable exhausted from all that I went to a birthday party for a 4 year old complete with Elsa from Frozen, two bouncy castles and a winter wonderland walk made from all the old Christmas trees on the farm (it is where I used to live whilst leaving PPH).

An entire nursery class of 4 year olds having fun was the perfect contrast to a morning of heavy duty sorting.  I am glad I know a 4 year old and her mum who invited me along (even if I was put to work checking parking and making sure the Disney Princess knew where to go and helping her set up).

As we are still sharing my car, I suggested he drove me to the party and went and told her neighbours she was friendly with that she had died and then that would be done.  I was surprised that he got through all that and made arrangements to return the medical equipment whilst I partied.  

Today I am waiting for the ice to clear before the Charming Cob and I go out for a potter with friends. Perfect antidote to yesterday.   

beanielou

You are so awesome xx