Watty's Awakening

daisy_1571

I suppose looking back you can see the worst (as it is closest) then it recedes off gradually into further distance.   But it happened the other way.  Building gradually where the first changes were small and easily explained, brushed off, overlooked because you had no idea just what a double life he was beginning and how it changed what he thought of as a reasonable way to deal with people, especially those he at one time loved.  Theres a good chance he didn't have any idea how he would change over the coming couple of years.

greenbee

Don't spend too much time thinking about why you stayed for so long - it's the 'boiling frog syndrome' thing - when change happens gradually it just becomes part of 'normal'. Something needs to happen for you to sit up and realise that things have changed.

I was thinking about you this morning as I drove my tiny loan car home (my car is in to have pheasant-related damage fixed as it thinks it has had a collision), having been told I can't put the animals in it. We always had what was called the 'dogmobile' when I was growing up. Usually an ancient 4x4 of some kind (last couple were suzuki jimnys which I loved!) with the back seats taken out to make space for dog beds. Something like that for dog walking/vet visits would be sensible... but also as a spare car in this kind of situation. Thankfully it's only three days, but I'm a bit stuck if I do need to take an animal anywhere! I'm certainly going to look into it (and possibly see whether a cheap EV would do the job as that would then give me access to cheap electricity, but really only be properly useful if I can use the battery to power the house...)

LadyWithAPlan

WelshmansDaughter said:

That sounds like fun, my nephew would love something like that.
If you are feeling ready, perhaps a look at the options for the route and picking one based on your preferences rather than whether or not Poo Poo head* will be there. 
Negative emotions often seem so huge we can find ourselves freeze framing them. You can honour the fear for as long as you need to, but directing your choices based on what you want is what builds strength.

*apologies I spend a lot of time with a three year old 

Personally think 'Poo Poo head' is perfect.

I also realise bumping into him is not ideal but  to stop you living a life of joy and not going certain fun places (eg the Xmas Tractor experience) is wrong. Maybe  whilst you are understandably assuming it will be terrible - maybe seeing him at a distance would actually not be as bad as you imagine. He  behaved terribly but  now today, in this moment  he has no control over you in any way apart from in your memories and your emotions..   I know saying that is much harder than getting your body/heart to realise it - its the nature of trauma  but when you are ready, seeing him will be a 'who was that PPH' and 'why do I think he now has power to make me feel uncomfortable'
 
Have you tried the exercise of picturing him and your experiences with him and then turning the pictures in your mind smaller,  further distance, into black and white and let them disappear .. Also imagine a cord/rope  between you and cut it with huge scissors, or try the ritual in the GASDC programme where they burnt old divorce papers and a letter he wrote to his now dead ex wife to let go of some of the pain and looking back. Emotions need motion

Big hug - and the tractor thing sounds fabulous. 

badmemory

What a perfect description & I know one person it fits perfectly.  I suspect quite a few of us do.  Mine is far enough away now that I just saw them with that tag & burst out laughing.

Slinky

We have a Christmas tractor display goes through our town, a 2 minute walk round the corner for us, which is great. There were over 100 vehicles last year.

Please do not let PPH stop you from enjoying this.  Remember, it will be dark, if it's anything like ours, so the chances of you seeing him are minimal anyway. He's m*ggered up enough of your plans this year avoiding country shows and the like. 

I know it's easy for me to say, and much less easy to do, but perhaps allow yourself to think that 2024 is the year of transition away from the past, and that 2025 will be the year of 'he's over there, so what?'  A few times of seeing him and you'll probably feel sick and shaky, but you WILL overcome it. You musn't hide away and stop living your life as you want to. 

Remember that he's not going round bothering about whether he'll be bumping into you, and he should be the one ashamed of what he did. You have a virtual crowd of us standing shoulder to shoulder with you giving him daggers.

KajiKita

Loving the fact that the Ex is now officially “Poo Poo Head” … 😉😂 I’m sure it would offend his self identity greatly, if he knew this … 😊😊😊 (Brilliant! 😂😂)

I’m in the middle of the advice here. Yes, I agree that eventually you want to reclaim your life and live it without reference to the limitations that he creates in you. But, it is also realistic to be careful of where you are at, at the time you might meet him.

My suggestion, therefore, is to create two plans with VNM:

1. The kickass, owning it, walking proud Watty, plan where you go where you like, when you like without limitation.

2. The recognition of vulnerability and soft underbelly that we all have, plan. 

Plan 1 is used if all is well and you are feeling good. 

Plan 2 is used if something has happened that has rattled you a bit, you’re feeling vulnerable for any reason which may not even be related to PPH, or you just don’t want your evening with VNM to be disrupted by even thinking about PPH. 

KK 

Slinky

Liking that plan too KK.  I'd also offer a further middle ground of Fake it till you make it, otherwise known as Feel the fear and do it anyway. The more you expose yourself to the things you find scary, the less scary they become. I know this from personal experience.  As a child I barely said boo to a goose. Never did I ever think I'd start my own business, or as I do now, volunteer in a customer facing role, regularly speaking to a stream of total strangers. People don't believe me when I tell them what I used to be like.

badmemory

That name is so appropriate for this type of person as they have never grown out of the terrible twos.

debtfreewannabe321

KajiKita said:

Loving the fact that the Ex is now officially “Poo Poo Head” … 😉😂 I’m sure it would offend his self identity greatly, if he knew this … 😊😊😊 (Brilliant! 😂😂)

I’m in the middle of the advice here. Yes, I agree that eventually you want to reclaim your life and live it without reference to the limitations that he creates in you. But, it is also realistic to be careful of where you are at, at the time you might meet him.

My suggestion, therefore, is to create two plans with VNM:

1. The kickass, owning it, walking proud Watty, plan where you go where you like, when you like without limitation.

2. The recognition of vulnerability and soft underbelly that we all have, plan. 

Plan 1 is used if all is well and you are feeling good. 

Plan 2 is used if something has happened that has rattled you a bit, you’re feeling vulnerable for any reason which may not even be related to PPH, or you just don’t want your evening with VNM to be disrupted by even thinking about PPH. 

KK 

Definitely like this plan.
I hope one day you get to the point of seeing the trigger but can disassociate from the emotion that usually follows and don't feel it. If you love where you live (the area) then I think it would probably be good to bump into PPH (what a name) the odd time WHEN you're with other company. It would probably rattle him just as much as you feel rattled to see you having moved on from him and happy. And each time would hopefully get better, as it sounds like you move in the same circles socially.

daisy_1571

I'm glad we are calling him PPH.  Ive never liked the term ex as it defines the relationship still in the context of a link between the 2 parts of the previous couple. 

Dxxx