Watty's Awakening

PennysIntoPounds

Admitting it is being insightful and responsible, for you both. No harm in putting the feelers out to horsie mates about possible options 

Watty1

This morning Fell Pony had knocked over his water bucket. He stopped doing this when I got him an extra large bucket but has finally managed how to empty this one so now his entire stable is awash with water.  Thank goodness for a heatwave.  He then refused to have his head collar on at all.  I informed him about the "transfer list" and over my morning coffee I realised we are just not a good match and this is the right step.  I'm not in a hurry, the right place will come along if I put it out there.  It is odd because I realised the other two also have moments of avoiding the headcollar when somewhere they should not be and yet I don't feel cross with them I just quietly persist.  With the Fell Pony I just feel exasperated.   

I've arranged for the farrier to come and do his feet tomorrow and a neighbour will be here with her trainer later (she is seriously competitive and uses my arena to practise) so I will chat with the trainer too and see if she has any ideas on the right home for him.

I've also contacted the Blue Cross (a rescue) and expressed interest in rehoming an elderly as a companion.

Watty1

In other news I have been reading a lot about C-PTSD and yesterday completely shrieked with fear when WattyDog knocked into the table.  I immediately recognised my reaction as a trauma reaction but it was witnessed by the VNM who was puzzled as WattyDog is a bit of a klutz and suggested after living with WattyDog for so long I should be used to him but that he had been wondering why I was so "jumpy"      So we had a very supportive discussion about trauma and the many layers of trauma from the past.  I was very uncomfortable but he was very supportive and kept telling me it will all be ok "in the end"

This morning i have reviewed the list of "jobs" still to do and realise, mainly from reading another diary here and reading a book I was recommended that I need more space  and less on my to do list.    That everything I have on is just too much for me.   

Until I feel a little better in myself I have decided the house is on hold although the agriculture chap will continue to work through his list (he can mostly do that without my input)  and I will work and look after the animals.  As for work I do think I need help to reduce my hours but I'm wondering if employing someone will be "too much" right now so I am going to "get ready" for that but not push it forwards too much.

zcrat41

Depending on your business could you get some ad hoc work in? Ie a self employed bookkeeper to do the books? I’m in agriculture and if  struggling we would for example be able to pay someone to come in and do the topping as opposed to hiring an employee if needed. Or a temp agency so you don’t t have to think about contracts, pensions and policies. 

Cherryfudge

It's a tough journey but you are navigating with insight, @Watty1

It may be there is a better option for you and your stable than the Fell: as you say, he is being teenager-ish and you could do without that, but perhaps there's a horse lover not too far away who will have the time and energy he's demanding. As to knocking over his bucket - perhaps that's stimulation, perhaps it's mischief, perhaps it's attention seeking - the more I read your posts, the more I realise horses are very complex beasties, lovely though they are (and probably more lovely because they can have such characters). An older 'rescue' might be a nice calm influence on MH and CC, too, and be glad of your care and experience.

How is CC's return to freedom going?

Finding you are 'jumpy' but also isolating the reason why... It seems to me that you are crossing the threshold into a new stage. Somehow, having a name for something is useful and gives a framework for dealing with it. And this stage will pass. And you have tons of supporters here, including people with more insight than I can offer, to help you through.

When I had counselling, it was pointed out to me thar I'd been in a state of alert for a long time and I was told to stop engaging with 'getting better' for a few weeks and focus on living in the present. I had to select some grounding activities. I think the expectation was to use some exercise from CBT, but I chose to do cooking and gardening instead. Those are both things I enjoy and which make me feel I'm doing something where I can see results and where I'm not under pressure.

Re: work, could you hand any more over to your PA? I expect you've already thought of that and the answer may have been that it's a different set of skills, but perhaps your PA could offer some insights either as to what they see as most needed and 'outsource-able' or who could help and at what level of involvement.

I hope you have a better day today, and can soon find a way to reduce the pressures.

WelshmansDaughter

What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is a good memoir about healing from c-ptsd

LadyWithAPlan

Been busy in RL but just popped in and read this … 
well done on your pension contribution and great last tax year .. how fabulous - and I bet the longer the gap time between the ex you get the more the business will blossom 

a contract worker sounds best for you right now in my humble opinion to have a specific task that you don’t like to do 
a school leaver can work if you have enough filing/ social media maybe they can do  etc to keep  them busy ?? Have employed them before and can work well 

Enjoy your summer ! I am currently back to being ms Doolittle - 3 ponies 2 horses -plus various other pets -  the oldest pony is nearing 50 so v OAP and still has a stubborn moment on going back Out after his meals unless  he gets enough horselyx - he refuses to move and I am strong but I am not battling with a horse of any size … 

Watty1

oh @LadyWithAPlan that did make me laugh   At that great age he is entitled to the horselyx - hand it over LOL

Thank you for the reading suggestion @WelshmansDaughter I'll add it to my list.

This morning not off to the best start as I missed the gas delivery. Opps.  I'll call the company and re-arrange as soon as they open (it is LPG gas).  

CC is fine and I'm hoping to get him out for his first 20 mins fitness walk this morning.  Most  Handsome was his usual irritable self about being ridden and then decided to make the best of it and flew around the arena as though he should be a serious competition horse.

Fell pony had serious cuddles with the trainer who was visiting yesterday and she thought he was adorable which just made me feel worse because he and I have not bonded but I do have interest from a couple of people I know so we will see where that goes.  I have suggested one keep him here free of charge on the condition Most Handsome is never left on his own.  That really would be a fabulous outcome as he could stay here but have his own person I would be no worse off but would not have to find Most Handsome a companion.   I'm putting that option out to the universe and she is going to discuss with her partner. I'm open to any solution right now.  Fell Pony needs some work to stop the boredom, needs his feet dealing with and I need to feel less guilt over not having bonded with him.  The other is rather like the Queen and wants a Fell Pony to ride in her dotage (she is really experienced, used to breed in her younger days and recently bought a cob for gentle hacking to discover it was way too anxious to hack so now thinks she should go back to her first love and buy a Fell Pony that is unbacked so she can do things "her way").   She has a lovely farm.   She would be nice.   

And in non horsey news IT person is installing a second computer as the first step in getting someone to do some work.  As with all things I'm open to solutions but your ideas are all great and have been filed away.   My PA is unfortunately not local o/wise she would have been ideal but packing orders and processing orders needs to be done n the office not remotely.   Now in the August quite time so I have space in the day to rest a little and plan.

Cherryfudge

I hope CC has a good first walk, and also that he lets you limit him so he doesn't have too much, too soon.

Both those Fell pony options sound to have potential, but I think your heart may be with the 'Queen' lady. And I wouldn't feel guilty over not really bonding - do we really have a choice who we bond with? I know when I was a support worker I tried to be fair to everyone but clients had different favourites among staff, and it wasn't uncommon to hear staff suggest so-and-so should work with X, they get on well. Your abilities are there regardless of whether you bond, but some relationships are easier than others. Also a bond is, I suspect, a two-way process, and sometimes a bond can be with a 'difficult' person (or animal), it's not necessarily the easy or obvious ones that we click with.

With regard to your extra help, I wonder if there's a student who could do a few hours just to give you a feel for how it will go, and some extra cash for them? Once the Uni term starts again that could be replaced by a more permanent arrangement.

Watty1

"The Queen" lady and I have chatted some more.  It turns out she has a number of projects in her field and really I suggested she just need something "to get on and go with" rather than another project and have sent her the details of someone I think she could take one of her projects to to get them going. Whilst Fell Pony needs to go he needs to go the right place I think.   I groomed him and lunged him this morning.  He was a sweetie but still tried to bite me a number of times.  As @Cherryfudge says it is a two way process and I think it is rather like a relationship where you sort of like someone but don't really want to live together

Charming Cob was a lovely boy out. We were out 30 mins as that is the shortest route and as ever he was charming (despite a firm objection to a squirrel jumping about in a tree. That just made me giggle, pat him and suggest we could leave the squirrel to be a squirrel and continue on our way).  Gorgeous day, made it back for first meeting.  Now to tackle emails.