Flying solo

twiggy86

teapot2 said:

Hello @twiggy86, have to agree with previous comments that there is no incentive for your ex OH to move out,  You are still making life comfortable for him so why would he?  Having his cake and eating it springs to mind.  Would you consider looking for some counselling to explore some of this?  Might help and I wonder if you are still in shock and not able to access your anger yet?

The lawyer I spoke to on Friday suggested considering counselling actually - of course my friends and family have been great but they are also "invested" (if that's the right word) and so it's not impartial. However they are all telling me he needs to be gone and so they're not wrong! I've always been a people pleaser and so putting my needs first is not natural for me.  

Floss

twiggy86 said:

Here's my dragon @Floss - in looking at this photo I've realised he has wonky nostrils but who wants perfection!

Oh he's cute!

twiggy86

PAYDAY!!!! 

I've had a slight change of mind regarding any "excess" from last month and won't be throwing it at the debt yet. I have few "known unknowns" which I need some comfort about, namely:

• if I need to pay for a separation agreement 
• if I will choose to give ex any money 
• I have jury service at the end of November and I am not sure about the financial situation around that - i.e. will my company pay me. My boss' are absolutely lovely but we are also a small business and so they cannot afford to give me full pay for an extended amount of time, meaning I may only get the expenses payable by the court - which is less than my wages. Of course, the impact of this will depend on how long I end up serving 

So on that basis, I am putting the excess aside and will only be making minimum payments of the CCs for this month (although for the purposes of my budget I have accounted for the extras I have been putting towards the debt). But once these "unknowns" materialise I will either use it to cover those and/or throw anything I can at the debt. It hurts me to feel like I'm slowing down my progress but I know it is the wise move. 

However, of course the great news is that there was some excess in the budget, even through it was just under £50. Plus I paid off £642.38 off the debts this month which is great progress! Even better it took me from the £14,000's into the £13,000's - which always has a great motivation boost!!! 

twiggy86

Today's bits and bobs:

• "Close out" October budget 
• Finalise November budget and shuffle money around accordingly
• Post something I sold on V*nted - for whole £3!!!
• Write a list before I go food shopping (see below - my head doesn't feel very clear) 
• I feel like today could actually be the day I tell ex he has until end of November to leave - there I've put it on here so I need to follow through. Although even writing it makes me a bag of nerves! 

joedenise

I think you are doing the right thing by holding onto your excess in case you need the money.  Far better to be using your own money rather than the banks (ie credit card!).

Good luck on tell the ex to leave - he definitely needs to go.

Floss

twiggy86 said:

• I have jury service at the end of November and I am not sure about the financial situation around that - i.e. will my company pay me. My boss' are absolutely lovely but we are also a small business and so they cannot afford to give me full pay for an extended amount of time, meaning I may only get the expenses payable by the court - which is less than my wages. Of course, the impact of this will depend on how long I end up serving 

Have a look at this:

https://www.gov.uk/jury-service/what-you-can-claim-if-youre-an-employee

Floss

A months notice seems reasonable, and is plenty time for him to find somewhere else in live.

CRANKY40

Just in case you need a push in the right direction.....my 18 year old son who is a university student pays me more in keep than your ex pays you. I'd start off the negotiations by giving him the figure that he owes you for all the months that he hasn't contributed the proper amount to the bills. Please don't offer to give him any money. 

twiggy86

Thanks for the encouragement. I won't be offering him any money - that isn't to say I won't end up paying him anything, but he will have to ask and justify it. Believe me when I say I have all sorts of figures I could throw at him to show why he isn't deserving - but (as I think you can tell) I am far too soft for my own good, so we'll see how it goes. As the lawyer said, it may be worth it to get rid of the "nuisance factor", not because it's justified. I did have the figure of £1,665 in my mind as a ceiling - this is the amount he has given me in the last 6 months (since I found out about his cheating) and so clearly is what he thinks you can run a house (and car!) on for 6 months!  

satchmo1

Twiggy, I'm rooting for you with giving OH notice.

My suggestion is that you write down, in categories, what OH hasn't paid you - for as far back as you can remember. Then, read them off whenever he baulks at walking away Scot free. He has sponged off you for way too long. Having a written list makes it easier to avoid dithering or weakening.

Don't forget to include fuel for giving him a lift to work.
Don't forget to include 
  Room rent (since you discovered his infidelities)
  Laundry costs
  Electricity
  Gas
  House insurance
  Pet costs
  TV costs (including licence) - e.g. any extra channels
   etc
   etc