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Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay more for our holiday because it's one my partner won't like?

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  • Agent57
    Agent57 Posts: 62 Forumite
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    I know relationships are about give and take and being flexible but I've never understood why one person thinks they can make another do something they don't want/need/have to do and then in return allow the other person to make them do something they don't want to do.  That's very destructive. If you didn't want to go on the holidays he chose then you should have said "No.".  or were you quite happy to go and enjoyed them anyway even though he chose them?  You should both be compromising and going on holidays you are both happy with.  There is a whole world out there to choose from.  You don't say what your partner's objection is.  Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.
  • [Deleted User]
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    Talk to your partner, it sounds to me that you are usually happy for him to decide on holiday locations but on this occasion have seen something you really like the look of - without talking you don’t know if he is open to trying something new or be pleased that the holiday arrangements are off him this year.

    Has there been a break down in communication between the two of you that you have not been able to talk about this?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,803 Forumite
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    Agent57 said:
    I know relationships are about give and take and being flexible but I've never understood why one person thinks they can make another do something they don't want/need/have to do and then in return allow the other person to make them do something they don't want to do.  That's very destructive. If you didn't want to go on the holidays he chose then you should have said "No.".  or were you quite happy to go and enjoyed them anyway even though he chose them?  You should both be compromising and going on holidays you are both happy with.  There is a whole world out there to choose from.  You don't say what your partner's objection is.  Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.
    I don't agree with this.
    Why should someone compromise on what is likely to be a pretty expensive spend?
    If my OH is a keen walker/climber and I'm afraid of heights, should I really compromise and be afraid for my life every step of the way?
    I'm sure that would dampen his enthusiasm for something he really enjoys.
    If I like lazing on a beach in an all-inclusive hotel, and he hates to sit in the sun, should he really compromise and be unhappy every day and consider the holiday a waste of time and money?

    As for this:

    Agent57 said:
      Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.

    MSE deliberately don't include key facts.
    MMDs always say:

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value.

    After one MMD that elicited lots of opposing comments, the originator came to the thread and posted what he/she had sent to MSE.
    It contained lots of information that had been cut out which would have reduced the comments/arguments.

  • Agent57
    Agent57 Posts: 62 Forumite
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    Compromising is not the same as submitting.
  • Agent57
    Agent57 Posts: 62 Forumite
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    Pollycat said:
    Agent57 said:
    I know relationships are about give and take and being flexible but I've never understood why one person thinks they can make another do something they don't want/need/have to do and then in return allow the other person to make them do something they don't want to do.  That's very destructive. If you didn't want to go on the holidays he chose then you should have said "No.".  or were you quite happy to go and enjoyed them anyway even though he chose them?  You should both be compromising and going on holidays you are both happy with.  There is a whole world out there to choose from.  You don't say what your partner's objection is.  Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.
    I don't agree with this.
    Why should someone compromise on what is likely to be a pretty expensive spend?
    If my OH is a keen walker/climber and I'm afraid of heights, should I really compromise and be afraid for my life every step of the way?
    I'm sure that would dampen his enthusiasm for something he really enjoys.
    If I like lazing on a beach in an all-inclusive hotel, and he hates to sit in the sun, should he really compromise and be unhappy every day and consider the holiday a waste of time and money?


    No you should not be afraid and he should not have to sit in the sun.  That is my point.  Either go on a holiday you will both enjoy (compromise) or go on your own / with someone else.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,803 Forumite
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    Agent57 said:
    Pollycat said:
    Agent57 said:
    I know relationships are about give and take and being flexible but I've never understood why one person thinks they can make another do something they don't want/need/have to do and then in return allow the other person to make them do something they don't want to do.  That's very destructive. If you didn't want to go on the holidays he chose then you should have said "No.".  or were you quite happy to go and enjoyed them anyway even though he chose them?  You should both be compromising and going on holidays you are both happy with.  There is a whole world out there to choose from.  You don't say what your partner's objection is.  Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.
    I don't agree with this.
    Why should someone compromise on what is likely to be a pretty expensive spend?
    If my OH is a keen walker/climber and I'm afraid of heights, should I really compromise and be afraid for my life every step of the way?
    I'm sure that would dampen his enthusiasm for something he really enjoys.
    If I like lazing on a beach in an all-inclusive hotel, and he hates to sit in the sun, should he really compromise and be unhappy every day and consider the holiday a waste of time and money?


    No you should not be afraid and he should not have to sit in the sun.  That is my point.  Either go on a holiday you will both enjoy (compromise) or go on your own / with someone else.
    The MMD is all about how this holiday should be paid for.
    It's a holiday that "won't be to my partner's liking - it's not the sort of thing he's interested in at all."
    I can't see how he will enjoy it at all so it's not a compromise.

  • Gardendays
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    I think perhaps the fact that this holiday is more than you would usually spend is quite important here, given that this a money related forum and it sounds like you keep your finances separate in some way. The idea of spending a lot of money on a holiday he would not enjoy might be difficult for your partner. (But you won't know until you ask.)

     The question is, knowing your partner will not enjoy it, how important is this holiday to you? Do you want this holiday enough to either 'pay extra for his company', go without him, or have him tag along knowing he is not enjoying it? Also, if next year he wants to go somewhere expensive and you don't want to go, you and he must both be prepared for the same rules to apply. 

    The effect on your relationship (which might be positve or negative) if you choose to go on this holiday without him, only you have enough information to determine, and only you can say if you will be happy with the possible outcome. 

    The issue of him usually choosing your holiday destination is a different one and only you can decide if you are happy with this arrangement or if it needs a discussion about how healthy it is in an equal partnership. 
  • Agent57
    Agent57 Posts: 62 Forumite
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    Pollycat said:
    Agent57 said:
    Pollycat said:
    Agent57 said:
    I know relationships are about give and take and being flexible but I've never understood why one person thinks they can make another do something they don't want/need/have to do and then in return allow the other person to make them do something they don't want to do.  That's very destructive. If you didn't want to go on the holidays he chose then you should have said "No.".  or were you quite happy to go and enjoyed them anyway even though he chose them?  You should both be compromising and going on holidays you are both happy with.  There is a whole world out there to choose from.  You don't say what your partner's objection is.  Another dilemma where we don't have all the key facts.
    I don't agree with this.
    Why should someone compromise on what is likely to be a pretty expensive spend?
    If my OH is a keen walker/climber and I'm afraid of heights, should I really compromise and be afraid for my life every step of the way?
    I'm sure that would dampen his enthusiasm for something he really enjoys.
    If I like lazing on a beach in an all-inclusive hotel, and he hates to sit in the sun, should he really compromise and be unhappy every day and consider the holiday a waste of time and money?


    No you should not be afraid and he should not have to sit in the sun.  That is my point.  Either go on a holiday you will both enjoy (compromise) or go on your own / with someone else.
    The MMD is all about how this holiday should be paid for.
    It's a holiday that "won't be to my partner's liking - it's not the sort of thing he's interested in at all."
    I can't see how he will enjoy it at all so it's not a compromise.

    Yes.  That was my point. 
  • LadyBee_2
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    If this is your partner's main holiday of the year, please rethink............something he has absolutely no interest in will hardly help him relax and recharge his batteries.     There are thousands of holidays to choose from.....please look again and pick something you will both enjoy.
  • Midland_Jim
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    Just ask him:
    "I want to go to 'x' this year and do 'y'. do you want to come or shall I ask my mates?"
    I'm sure half the problems on this page could be solved with a bit of communication :-)
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