Money Moral Dilemma: Should we ask the bride & groom to help with the cost of attending the wedding?

Chazza22

Hi there, I got married in Cyprus last year and was the bride. Speaking from experience, if you're not happy to pay the £2K to attend, whether its down to affordability or not, your wife should be upfront and honest with her friend and say you can't go. It's better to just tell them earlier rather then wait to closer to the time. I originally had asked 4 friends to be bridesmaids and only 1 came in the end, We were not offended when guests said they couldn't afford it.
However, what did upset me was two of the bridesmaids didn't tell me until around 2 months before- This was after we had spent a lot of money on dresses, booking hair and make up, nails flowers for them on the day. I managed to cancel some of these things but we lost money on deposits for bookings, etc. Plus I now have 2 brand new bridesmaid dresses I am trying to sell. (One of them was pregnant and told me straight away she couldn't come, and that was fine). 
For the 1 bridesmaid that came, we paid for her dress, shoes, hair, makeup, accessories etc. and I made her a lovely goodie bag by way of saying thanks, which contained flip flops, bits and pieces for the beach, a bracelet, a bottle of procescco etc. 

Pollycat

Chazza22 said:

Hi there, I got married in Cyprus last year and was the bride. Speaking from experience, if you're not happy to pay the £2K to attend, whether its down to affordability or not, your wife should be upfront and honest with her friend and say you can't go. It's better to just tell them earlier rather then wait to closer to the time. I originally had asked 4 friends to be bridesmaids and only 1 came in the end, We were not offended when guests said they couldn't afford it.
However, what did upset me was two of the bridesmaids didn't tell me until around 2 months before- This was after we had spent a lot of money on dresses, booking hair and make up, nails flowers for them on the day. I managed to cancel some of these things but we lost money on deposits for bookings, etc. Plus I now have 2 brand new bridesmaid dresses I am trying to sell. (One of them was pregnant and told me straight away she couldn't come, and that was fine). 
For the 1 bridesmaid that came, we paid for her dress, shoes, hair, makeup, accessories etc. and I made her a lovely goodie bag by way of saying thanks, which contained flip flops, bits and pieces for the beach, a bracelet, a bottle of procescco etc. 

Very inconsiderate of them.

KOG

No Definitely not.
You should decline the invitation due to the cost and explain the situation to your friend. If I chose to marry abroad I would not expect anyone to attend. I had a situation with a niece getting married in Italy and was put under pressure by my Sister to book it up a year in advance. It would have cost me nearly £4,000 for a family of 4.
I explained anything could happen between now and then eg they might change their mind (which they did) might split up, illnesses etc etc Too many variables. It caused a rift but I held firm and thats with a family member. They got married in a local church and the Brides mother in law lost her deposit on the trip to Italy. 

KOG

Follow Up. They are bound to have some sort of party at home as well to share videos etc. Perhaps you could play a part in that instead

MalMonroe

No. Don't ask. But the couple have decided to do their wedding their way, which is fine, it's their special day and they are entitled BUT some people won't be able to go and they've obviously accepted that that is something that is probably going to happen.

When a couple decides to have a wedding at an overseas location, as in this case, it does make me wonder whether they actually want people to attend or not because it would be a lot easier to arrange something in this country and then go on honeymoon to wherever they fancy later. By deciding to actually have the ceremony overseas they have made things difficult before anything actually happens and I guess quite a few others will drop out too. But it's their choice. And they may even have a small gathering or party sometime after they return, as a lot of couples who marry overseas often do. 

Now though, your wife has to decide whether or not she can afford to go and be the matron (not maid as she's married herself, so will be called a matron - old fashioned, I know!) of honour. 

I'd never let 'not knowing anyone' prevent me from attending any occasion - that's a great way to sometimes make good friends! But I would let lack of disposable cash stop me. Because I'm more scared of debt than I am of losing friends - and if you lose friends in that way, they weren't good friends in the first place.

You can get them a nice gift but say you can't both attend because of financial restrictions, it's no good bankrupting yourselves because someone unexpectedly moved the goal posts. 

Years ago a good friend of mine went to live in Canada and invited me to her wedding there. I couldn't go at that time because I couldn't afford it. But I visited them a couple of years later. Fast forward to now and we're still friends who meet up now and then when covid, travel and financial restrictions allow but she and her husband are now divorced.

You have to live your life for you, not to please others. And if you can't afford it then you and your wife should let the happy couple know. I hate to say it but they probably won't be devastated.

diystarter7

MalMonroe said:

No. Don't ask. But the couple have decided to do their wedding their way, which is fine, it's their special day and they are entitled BUT some people won't be able to go and they've obviously accepted that that is something that is probably going to happen.

When a couple decides to have a wedding at an overseas location, as in this case, it does make me wonder whether they actually want people to attend or not because it would be a lot easier to arrange something in this country and then go on honeymoon to wherever they fancy later. By deciding to actually have the ceremony overseas they have made things difficult before anything actually happens and I guess quite a few others will drop out too. But it's their choice. And they may even have a small gathering or party sometime after they return, as a lot of couples who marry overseas often do. 

Now though, your wife has to decide whether or not she can afford to go and be the matron (not maid as she's married herself, so will be called a matron - old fashioned, I know!) of honour. 

I'd never let 'not knowing anyone' prevent me from attending any occasion - that's a great way to sometimes make good friends! But I would let lack of disposable cash stop me. Because I'm more scared of debt than I am of losing friends - and if you lose friends in that way, they weren't good friends in the first place.

You can get them a nice gift but say you can't both attend because of financial restrictions, it's no good bankrupting yourselves because someone unexpectedly moved the goal posts. 

Years ago a good friend of mine went to live in Canada and invited me to her wedding there. I couldn't go at that time because I couldn't afford it. But I visited them a couple of years later. Fast forward to now and we're still friends who meet up now and then when covid, travel and financial restrictions allow but she and her husband are now divorced.

You have to live your life for you, not to please others. And if you can't afford it then you and your wife should let the happy couple know. I hate to say it but they probably won't be devastated.

Hi

What a wonderful and down-to-earth and very sensible post. The best post on the forum for weeks, IMHO

As I said earlier, be honest as honesty is often the best policy.

As stated above, it's your life, there live it as you want it

At times we do have to make adjustments to please loved ones and nothing wrong with that
as log as it is not happening often.

I too beleive those that marry a log way from home may not want too many people there.

I would strongly recommend to anyone and everyone, never go into debt throwing parites/weddings/etc or when attending them or anyhting else for that matter other than the roof over your head and even then, clear the debt ASAP and then enjoy and sleep well at night

It is hard for some people to say no to others but reasonable people will appreciate openness and honesty

Thnaks

Emerion

Flipflop13 said:

It really annoys me when the future bride and groom do this, just assume everyone will be willing to spend thousands on their wedding/honeymoon. If they booked it and said they were going regardless of family/friends and will have a party when they get back but to make wedding party arrangements then divulge the location isn’t on. Not everyone has thousands in savings ready to fritter on a holiday that someone else has chosen. I also think it quite awkward after the wedding that everyone is on their honeymoon with them. Do they not like time alone as newlyweds??

The same happened to me but everyone else was in couples and could afford it but I was single and just bought my first house so it was going to be £1500 (this was 10 years ago so seemed even more aged 25). I was the only one not to go and felt quite embarrassed by it. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since. All you can do is be honest as early as possible to get it out the way so the bride doesn’t get carried away with plans 

If the relationship hasn’t been the same since, and that change isn’t at least partly explained by your own feelings of embarrassment and awkwardness, then it wasn’t much of a friendship in the first place. When someone has judged you only on how your actions have affected them, and not considered your point of view or feelings, then they don’t really care for you, it’s all about what you can do for them. 

Brigantia4444

 The elephant in this particular dilemma is: for gods sake, WHY are these people travelling all that way unnecessarily by aeroplane and for such a frivolous reason? Their carbon footprint will be astronomical for something that could be done equally well - or better - in the UK, instead of further adding to the climate disaster we are running/flying towards at speed. Utterly selfish to think that everything must begin with an aeroplane flight. If you have to travel, there are some wonderful train journeys and scenery/cities to visit both abroad and at home in the UK.  So STOP FLYING and save the Earth we all rely on to exist!

Isin2000

As the carbon footprint of the internet already exceeds that of air travel and unlike air travel is expected to significantly increase in coming years.

Please keep your responses brief

Susanq

My brother son got married in Italy which was June and we booked to go but then covid struck so the wedding got cancelled to the following year for July. 

I live abroad and the costs was around £3500 for us both to go for 4 days.!! 

Flights, hotel etc (july the most expensive time )
we either had to fly back to Uk, then another flight to Italy, or 3 flights from where we live and 16 hours flight time.
 I have lots of animals and because it was july I couldn’t get anyone to look after them also one was very sick
so we said we couldn’t attend the wedding . 
To cut the story short, my nephew who was getting married but fine about us not going, but  my brother and sis in law went ballistic.
you would have thought it was there wedding. The wedding is over and done with last year but my brother and sis in law haven’t spoke to us for over a year now
Thats fine by us , sod them 
Also when my brothers daughter got married abroad, he didn’t go !! 

She didn’t go to this wedding, but they still speak to her.
Now what does everyone think of that
do you think I am wrong ? 

They even said to attend/travel on my own and leave my husband at home 
 So he could look after the pets.
my sis in law don’t even go to sainsburys on her own and waits for my brother to take her 🤣🤣the cheek of it.
We gave them a good sum of money as a wedding present as we couldn’t go.