Money Moral Dilemma: Should we ask the bride & groom to help with the cost of attending the wedding?

grassmarket

No - but if your wife values the friendship, refuse politely without recriminations. 

Disagree with those who suggest your presence is superfluous. Strange notion - when the event is a marriage in which 2 people commit to each other - as you’ve already done. 

If they do offer to pay for you to go - that’s their choice. But if you decide to accept - set the ground rules first. Make sure you contribute what you would have expectedly to pay for a UK wedding & get their agreement that, apart from the usual commitments of a maid of honour - your time in Cyprus is your own to spend as you please. If you let them pay for absolutely everything you may find they expect you to be at their beck & call all the time. 

Tedbib

I think you should ask for them to pay the cost of travel and accommodation --  I think it is very selfish for a couple to have their wedding abroad  (unless of course one of either the bride or groom are from that country) and expect guests to pay to go. As you have been asked to be maid of honour I think that is a bigger reason why they should pay.
She should have told you where the wedding was going to be held before she asked you  - not ask you and then say it was in Cyprus 

smartwoman

Be honest, if you can’t afford to go then say so instead of saying ‘we won’t know anyone there’ as a reason to not go.
I am sure if your wife went on her own she would be absorbed into the wedding party and will have a great time. 

MushroomLover

I think the bride should have arranged some accommodation.

I got married in another part of the UK.
We put up the bridesmaids (and some guests) in our accommodation and paid for cheap accommodation for my husband's side of family. 
Some people travelled down for day. Others said was too far and didn't come. 
We were ok with this. 
Rest paid to come. 

You can't expect people to come to destination weddings. Same with hen and stag doos. If they need to be there, the couple marrying should pay.

My family are going to a wedding far away this summer and the Grooms have paid for accommodation for the family. This also happened at a previous family wedding. 

Pollycat

No, you should absolutely not ask the bride & groom to make a contribution to your costs.
What you can do is decline the invitation on the grounds that it is too expensive for you to attend.
I'm surprised that the bride-to-be didn't tell you that the wedding would be in Cyprus.
An invitation is just that: an invite. Not a command.
People can get married wherever they like.
But they should be prepared for people to decline the invitation on a cost (or time) basis.
If you don't want to pay the £2k, decline asap so the bride can ask someone else.

NBLondon

Pollycat said:

I'm surprised that the bride-to-be didn't tell you that the wedding would be in Cyprus.

Given that the Maid(Matron) of Honour is usually the bride's best friend (or a family member) you'd think that a) the bride would have mentioned it before and/or b) have an idea whether MoH can afford it.

So the questioner's wife should then be able to approach her friend and say quietly - "Thank you for the offer but I/we can't afford it abroad".   Then let the bride offer to help out (if they can) - don't ask.

diystarter7

CapeTown said:

It always annoys me when couples do this. However having just come back from Cyprus myself, I fail to see how the costs could be so expensive unless you are staying in the wedding hotel. Flights to Cyprus cost buttons. I had car hire for a week which was £50.  You can stay in an airbnb very cheaply if you are away from the main tourist areas.  I agree that the bride is being very selfish and you should not have to fork out the money 

Hi

It is difficult to tell how one is financially able at times as people don't often discusss money and people wrongly assume that they can afford x/y/z.  With respect, you are right as to many that is "peanuts" but to others it may be the difference between going into debt or not. We would both agree it would have been a lot cheaper if it was inEngland near to the persons home.

You also have travel insurance to consider and those with medical conditions, it can be pushed up etc and then taking a week off work etc

Thnaks

SStitanic

Maid of honor is a job, therefore it should be all expenses paid, if they havent made it clear they will be paying for both of your travel and hotel, then its fair enough to tell them to go stuff it. 

Chris_Jay

For many reasons, not all of them financial, if I were in this situation, I would have to say no, and then feel awful for letting down my friend. The only thing I can suggest is the same as most of the others on here. Be honest, say that you can't afford it, and thank the bride for choosing you as her Matron of Honour. The OP has said that other guests have already declined on the basis of cost (unless that was someone else, in which case, I apologise) There shouldn't be any need to say more than that, and nobody should ask you to, either. It would be a great shame if the friendship was damaged, but a worry over costs would, for me, be far worse, and more likely to cause resentment in future.

Haven't times changed! I got married in the early seventies, and my then-fiance and I had a joint hen/stag evening at our local pub. My daughter got married in the nineties, and she, her friends, and I had a lovely evening in our local. My oldest son got married about eight years ago, and his bride invited me to join her, her mum and sister etc to a spa weekend in Birmingham, which I declined because it was too expensive for me. They had a great time. Our weddings were all in proportion to these events. Now it seems to me that common sense has gone from our lives. The olden days weren't as rosy as some would say, but there seemed to be more reality over how things were costed, and much more emphasis on saving for the things that people really wanted, not borrowing, and not living beyond the pay packet.

It's all such a lovely idea, a fairytale wedding on a Mediterranean island, don't mention the war, and loving family and friends to share it. Beautiful. Not always possible or practical. Once you've been invited, there's everything else to consider: travel, accommodation, clothes, children or child care, if they're not invited - and that's just in this country. Stick airfares and travel insurance on top, and it's terrifying. Pre-existing health issues immediately make my chances of ever going abroad again, sadly, out of the question.

Sorry. Ramble over.

Be firm, polite and truthful, and wish them well.

GrandFelly

In this instance, I wouldn't ask for a contribution, you tell them that unfortunately you aren't able to afford it and then see whether they would offer to contribute. But never ask for a contribution.
I was part of a grooms party and we were coaxed into paying towards our suit, pay for hotels as we needed to be at the venue early, pay for surprise entertainment...1 year later they divorced...
Never again will a pay beyond my means. The bride & groom should not expect anyone to pay beyond their means towards their own wedding.