Main wage earner, now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will

goater78

pinkshoes said:

goater78 said:

It’s a difficult situation. If it’s a joint bank account then it’s shared money and either of you can spend it as you like. Telling your partner he can’t access this money is problematic. 

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

Gender has nothing to do with it, and no one is saying they cannot access money.

The issue is about spending money on expensive materialistic objects and other things for other people, but not mentioning it or discussing it, which is downright disrespectful!

We will have to agree to disagree.  I think gender is quite important here.

Malthusian

goater78 said:

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

I agree with others that the genders aren't that important, because it would be the world's most incompetent attempt at coercive control whichever they were. It's like giving your victim a big stick and then moaning when they hit you back with it. 
The husband or wife keeping all the household's money in a single-name account (leaving the other spouse nothing to live on) would be more likely to be abusive behaviour.
Nobody is suggesting that the OP tells the husband not to spend joint money. Putting less money in the joint account in the first place would be more reasonable. (As long as the husband has enough to live on, but they have a job of their own albeit lower-paying than the OP's.)

MattMattMattUK

It is fairly obvious that there is something deeper going on with the OP's husband here and that the tantrums about money are a defence for those issues. Perhaps a reflection on his mortality due to being 50+, perhaps a mid-life crisis, perhaps a resentment stemming from being a man but not being the bread winner, perhaps something different entirely. 

Perhaps there needs to be a split, joint account for mortgage, bills, food etc. and personal accounts for everything else, if he wants to give away the rest of his income to his wider family then he can, but at least it stops him giving away the majority of the family earnings, or spending it frivolously.

Emmia

I think the OP has stopped engaging...

krissy08

Thanks Emma, I actually read every single post and thanked everyone. I shared this link with him (probably not the wisest thing ), but I did feel it's only fair to share the breath of advice and wise counsel received. We have created a bills account into which we both contribute. 
This then leaves each of us the same amount each month for personal stuff  (£400) - he retains his in a joint account which going forward he manages alone , while mine (to avoid creating a new account) , remains in the bills account.
This way if someone decides to give a family member £500 it's from their share of the monthly spend.