Main wage earner, now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will

thegreenone

@krissy08 Has your husband said why he is giving cash gifts to his family?  Who is he helping? 

If possible, can you explain to him that this money really needs to be saved for your children for uni/gap year/house deposits etc  His children should take precedence.  If he doesn't understand, start funnelling out to JISAs before he can get hold of it.

Agree with all above, separate 'play' money accounts is the way to go.  

krissy08

I can't thank you all enough ( the button doesn't seem adequate).

All your responses have made me pause, look at things again from a different perspective, with a view to find a workable solution from the options which a number of you have suggested.
We have a beautiful family, kids that really don't know the ins and outs of the finances, and I would not like to throw away decades of a marriage due to resentment- another word that has come up a few times which describe what I feel sometimes.
I appreciate you all. Within the last year - he has begun to swear at me and use aggressive abusive language and I think it really stems from the tension around this. I do admit responding verbally like for like as well after initially taking it for awhile.

He gives his parents money monthly but they do live in a low economical country (if that's a phrase)  and he has committed to this for all the years we have been married- I have no problem with this. He then gifts hard up friends on occasion and sibling and their kid. He once funded private secondary school education (Not in the UK- so cheaper)  for a child of his sister- only telling me after they graduated.
My concerns are around sudden gifts such as iPhones purchased from the joint account or joint funds he has access to, which he now categorically says he does not need to inform me about. I also do support siblings and my mum when I need to and he has no problem with this either.

krissy08

thegreenone said:

@krissy08 Has your husband said why he is giving cash gifts to his family?  Who is he helping? 

If possible, can you explain to him that this money really needs to be saved for your children for uni/gap year/house deposits etc  His children should take precedence.  If he doesn't understand, start funnelling out to JISAs before he can get hold of it.

Agree with all above, separate 'play' money accounts is the way to go.  

I do this regularly now- thank you. it is definitely my way of response as he dopes not take issue with that. My concern with all this is how I feel the love I have draining away due to these issues, feeling like I am being taken for granted while he lives his best life to coin a phrase

Debbie9009

Money issues really can destroy a relationship and create a lot of resentment.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, and would agree that large spends need to be discussed.  I think it’s very wrong him hiding large spends from you, especially funding someones education, that to me is something that should have been discussed, and while I do think the mobile phones are now essential they don’t have to be iPhones.

You’ve said that you don’t want to throw away decades of marriage, my observation is that you are not doing that, you are trying to sort this out in a way that works for both of you, he has a choice he can calmly discuss this with you and come to an agreement, and if not, he will be the one throwing away the marriage.

I really hope you are able to get this sorted OP

Sapindus

Just wanted to add a slightly different angle on the "personal accounts" approach.  At the end of the month I would go through the transactions and calmly agree between you what has been essential joint spending and what are his personal items.  Then say OK, that's fine, but to be fair you would also like to spend that amount.  And take the equivalent amount out and put it in your personal account to which he does not have access, but make sure he is aware how much is building up in there.  

Spendless

krissy08 said:

He gives his parents money monthly but they do live in a low economical country (if that's a phrase)  and he has committed to this for all the years we have been married- I have no problem with this. He then gifts hard up friends on occasion and sibling and their kid. He once funded private secondary school education (Not in the UK- so cheaper)  for a child of his sister- only telling me after they graduated.
My concerns are around sudden gifts such as iPhones purchased from the joint account or joint funds he has access to, which he now categorically says he does not need to inform me about. I also do support siblings and my mum when I need to and he has no problem with this either.

My Neice's boyf, his Mum is from a country just like you describe, his Dad is English. Boyf was born in England. In his Mum's families eyes she is seen as 'wealthy' (she's actually the cook at a care home) who married someone rich and lives in an affluent country. She supports her family back in her home country also in the same way you're describing. Her son (my Neice's boyf) says about his overseas family 'that they put on his Mum and are never satisfied with what she has provided and  frequently ask for more' You're describing the same thing, it's not just his parents - a situation you're happy with but the private education, the iphones etc.

You're dealing with 2 different cultural expectations, in the same way my Neice's boyf feels his relatives put on his Mum, she continues to provide because it is 'expected' of her.

I suspect your DH isn't going to stop, so the only way to stop is to change over how your finances go into this account. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to go down well with him.      Would couples counselling help? 

wolvoman

OP if he’s over 50 then he should know that if he wants money to spend as he sees fit then he needs to earn it.

justwhat

Think you need to reassess your financial situation and possibly the relationship. Sounds like there are cultural issues you may have to consider / accept or not as the case may be.

Having joint accounts and joint incomes works for most. Never understood separate accounts or funds. What happens if one person has no income?

Just share and be considerate with  each other. One day you or you partner may need to be supported financially 100%.

pjcox2005

Doesn't it depend on how much you're talking about and percentage of wealth. Given you mentioned one example of £600 in the past that sounded like it was for himself, then I presume the family presents are expensive but not huge.

If my wife wants to treat her family to something that cost £100 then I don't expect her to have to ask permission as it's our joint money no matter the percentage contribution from each of us as we're a team. Likewise she can spend more on herself without getting "sign off" as she's not a child. If it was lending someone say £5k that could seriously impact our spending power and brings other issues then I'd expect it to be a joint decision. [Amounts should obviously be flexed depending on overall earnings and financial security]

So it's a question of why it's an issue? If it's just because you want control or dislike his family then that's more you being out of order, where as if it impacts your financial security then he is being out of order. Answer is probably somewhere in the middle normally.

justwhat

pjcox2005 said:

Doesn't it depend on how much you're talking about and percentage of wealth. Given you mentioned one example of £600 in the past that sounded like it was for himself, then I presume the family presents are expensive but not huge.

If my wife wants to treat her family to something that cost £100 then I don't expect her to have to ask permission as it's our joint money no matter the percentage contribution from each of us as we're a team. Likewise she can spend more on herself without getting "sign off" as she's not a child. If it was lending someone say £5k that could seriously impact our spending power and brings other issues then I'd expect it to be a joint decision. [Amounts should obviously be flexed depending on overall earnings and financial security]

So it's a question of why it's an issue? If it's just because you want control or dislike his family then that's more you being out of order, where as if it impacts your financial security then he is being out of order. Answer is probably somewhere in the middle normally.

My wife or myself would always mention or tell each other of non essential spends especially if it was for a third party.  

Each to there own. My ex-wife just continually spent lol