Main wage earner, now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will

MalMonroe

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

As others have said, if your money's joint then I don't see it's a problem. You earn more but is it a big deal?

Your partner gives money to others, he isn't gambling or drinking and you can obviously afford it between you. 

For me, this - "he has been assisting me with my work as best he can. He is very hands on at home and cooks, cleans and looked after the kids in equal measure"  is worth all the money.

Assisting you with your work. Cooking, hands on in the home, looking after the kids (as he should because they are his, too but still). He is a keeper.

You are one very lucky woman.

If the money thing really bothers you then I would say yes, do put your money into a sole personal account and then transfer it to your joint account but he is such an altruist and it does sound like none of the spending is for himself. 

He also has a medical condition which is going to limit his future working capacity - that must really have come as a big shock to him. 

Having been in terrible debt myself when I became a single parent years ago, I have learned that budgeting and setting limits on spending are really good things to do - but I'd do it with my partner, if I had one. Not because I wanted to control anything in any way but just because it's a good thing to do. Maybe that way, he'd be more open about his spending - or his wish to spend.

Sounds like your partner has had a lot to cope with and is just very generous by nature. What a great 'fault' to have. You've lived with him for all these years so he can't be that bad.  

All just my own opinion of course but my best advice would be to continue to love and support (not just financially) your fabulous partner. Please don't cause a rift over something as trivial as money. And did I mention just how lucky I think you are?

justwhat

MalMonroe said:

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

As others have said, if your money's joint then I don't see it's a problem. You earn more but is it a big deal?

Your partner gives money to others, he isn't gambling or drinking and you can obviously afford it between you. 

For me, this - "he has been assisting me with my work as best he can. He is very hands on at home and cooks, cleans and looked after the kids in equal measure"  is worth all the money.

Assisting you with your work. Cooking, hands on in the home, looking after the kids (as he should because they are his, too but still). He is a keeper.

You are one very lucky woman.

I thought you were joking/ sarky ..... Everyone's tolerance of deception and verbal abuse is different.   

pjcox2005

justwhat said:

pjcox2005 said:

Doesn't it depend on how much you're talking about and percentage of wealth. Given you mentioned one example of £600 in the past that sounded like it was for himself, then I presume the family presents are expensive but not huge.

If my wife wants to treat her family to something that cost £100 then I don't expect her to have to ask permission as it's our joint money no matter the percentage contribution from each of us as we're a team. Likewise she can spend more on herself without getting "sign off" as she's not a child. If it was lending someone say £5k that could seriously impact our spending power and brings other issues then I'd expect it to be a joint decision. [Amounts should obviously be flexed depending on overall earnings and financial security]

So it's a question of why it's an issue? If it's just because you want control or dislike his family then that's more you being out of order, where as if it impacts your financial security then he is being out of order. Answer is probably somewhere in the middle normally.

My wife or myself would always mention or tell each other of non essential spends especially if it was for a third party.  

Each to there own. My ex-wife just continually spent lol 

Very much a balance and trying to get it right for each couple. I used to track all spending but then it almost seemed like my wife had to ask permission or explain what she spent even though i never really minded and just tracked to be sensible.

pjcox2005

justwhat said:

MalMonroe said:

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

As others have said, if your money's joint then I don't see it's a problem. You earn more but is it a big deal?

Your partner gives money to others, he isn't gambling or drinking and you can obviously afford it between you. 

For me, this - "he has been assisting me with my work as best he can. He is very hands on at home and cooks, cleans and looked after the kids in equal measure"  is worth all the money.

Assisting you with your work. Cooking, hands on in the home, looking after the kids (as he should because they are his, too but still). He is a keeper.

You are one very lucky woman.

I thought you were joking/ sarky ..... Everyone's tolerance of deception and verbal abuse is different.   

I could be wrong but if the genders were reversed and a wife had to ask for permission on all spending because she earnt less, couldn't buy presents for family and felt the need to hide them from her husband and got shouted at (heated argument sounds both ways) for their spending then the comments would be very different.

We can only take the OPs info and on balance they sound like both her and husband are decent people sharing the load so suggestion of "deception and verbal abuse" seem a bit OTT personally.

Likewise another response that "if they want to spend money then they should go an earn it themselves", despite OP stating husband has a medical condition limiting earnings would also be seen differently i suspect. 

justwhat

pjcox2005 said:

I thought you were joking/ sarky ..... Everyone's tolerance of deception and verbal abuse is different.   

I could be wrong but if the genders were reversed and a wife had to ask for permission on all spending because she earnt less, couldn't buy presents for family and felt the need to hide them from her husband and got shouted at (heated argument sounds both ways) for their spending then the comments would be very different.

We can only take the OPs info and on balance they sound like both her and husband are decent people sharing the load so suggestion of "deception and verbal abuse" seem a bit OTT personally.

Likewise another response that "if they want to spend money then they should go an earn it themselves", despite OP stating husband has a medical condition limiting earnings would also be seen differently i suspect. 

Thread title says "now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will"

Also
    "He then gifts hard up friends on occasion and sibling and their kid. He once funded private secondary school education (Not in the UK- so cheaper)  for a child of his sister- only telling me after they graduated.".

And " Within the last year - he has begun to swear at me and use aggressive abusive language and I think it really stems from the tension around this. I do admit responding verbally like for like as well after initially taking it for awhile."

The above is all acceptable in some relationships. For some it would be totally unacceptable.  The OP seems to say she took the verbal abuse on the chin ...then after a while retaliated.   That sounds like  verbal abuse with the wife attempting to defend  themselves tit for tat. 
(if genders were reversed i would say the same thing)
Only the OP knows the ins and outs.

diystarter7

Spendless said:

Legally can he take what he wishes from a joint account - yes, it's a joint account either party can take what they wish from it.

Hi

To be clear joint accounts vary. The OP's joint account is like that, ie any one signature etc takes some or all. However, with a joint account, they will ask you if on or both signatures are required.


IMVHO, a joint a/c for any sig to take money at will is based on trust and respect.

looks like the trust has gone on one side

Thanks

WhiskersTheWonderCat

MalMonroe said:

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

As others have said, if your money's joint then I don't see it's a problem. You earn more but is it a big deal?

Your partner gives money to others, he isn't gambling or drinking and you can obviously afford it between you. 

For me, this - "he has been assisting me with my work as best he can. He is very hands on at home and cooks, cleans and looked after the kids in equal measure"  is worth all the money.

Assisting you with your work. Cooking, hands on in the home, looking after the kids (as he should because they are his, too but still). He is a keeper.

You are one very lucky woman.

I'm not sure that somebody that screams at you and tells you that they "can do what they like" with the money you earn, is somebody I would consider a gem. 

OP, I think you should have your wage split. You and your partner put an equal share into the joint account. Then you are both contributing equally to that account. Then put the extra from your wage into a separate account of your own. 

Debbie9009

MalMonroe said:

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

You are one very lucky woman.

Wow the OP’s partner is taking large sums of money from their joint account without discussion and you think she is lucky !!

OP please don’t listen to this post, what your partner is doing isn’t right.  

Is it possible that one reason he is doing this is because he doesn’t earn as much as you, so he feels the need to be generous to pretend that he is.  I’m speaking from personal experience here, my ex was like this with money, he was unemployed for much of our relationship, but used to tell people I spent all his money, when in fact I was paying for everything, I never said anything about this as I didn’t want to embarrass him, and I knew he was doing it to save face, but I really did resent him saying that, and over time my resentment grew.

If that is a reason, it still doesn’t make it right, but you might be able to find ways around this together.

I think you are brave to be facing up to this, and to be asking for other’s opinions.

thegreenone

MalMonroe said:

He also has a medical condition which is going to limit his future working capacity - that must really have come as a big shock to him. 

All the more reason why he shouldn't be buying expensive gifts or paying school fees for someone elses child. He should be saving it for when he can't work at all. 

I understand helping his parents.

pjcox2005

justwhat said:

pjcox2005 said:

I thought you were joking/ sarky ..... Everyone's tolerance of deception and verbal abuse is different.   

I could be wrong but if the genders were reversed and a wife had to ask for permission on all spending because she earnt less, couldn't buy presents for family and felt the need to hide them from her husband and got shouted at (heated argument sounds both ways) for their spending then the comments would be very different.

We can only take the OPs info and on balance they sound like both her and husband are decent people sharing the load so suggestion of "deception and verbal abuse" seem a bit OTT personally.

Likewise another response that "if they want to spend money then they should go an earn it themselves", despite OP stating husband has a medical condition limiting earnings would also be seen differently i suspect. 

Thread title says "now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will"

Also
    "He then gifts hard up friends on occasion and sibling and their kid. He once funded private secondary school education (Not in the UK- so cheaper)  for a child of his sister- only telling me after they graduated.".

And " Within the last year - he has begun to swear at me and use aggressive abusive language and I think it really stems from the tension around this. I do admit responding verbally like for like as well after initially taking it for awhile."

The above is all acceptable in some relationships. For some it would be totally unacceptable.  The OP seems to say she took the verbal abuse on the chin ...then after a while retaliated.   That sounds like  verbal abuse with the wife attempting to defend  themselves tit for tat. 
(if genders were reversed i would say the same thing)
Only the OP knows the ins and outs.

Sorry I hadn't seen the second post from the OP which does post it as much more disfunctional and more verbal abuse. There is a disparity between that and first post given first post mentions £600 in the past and second post talks about much bigger gifts (iphones), cash and loans which seems odd but I can't ever imagine a point aggressive and abusive language could be considered acceptable.