Main wage earner, now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will

justwhat

HampshireH said:

I don't completely understand the cultural aspect of supporting families abroad to this length 

Parents yes if affordable. But siblings and nieces and nephews I don't this could go on forever with multiple siblings/family members. Especially when it's not money earnt by the person gifting.

What would the expectations be if there was no earnings. Is it irrelevant? Do families abroad where this cultural expectation exists generally have any understanding of the financers actual income in these cases?

Its something that is done and expected in some cultures. And joint or partners money is thought of in different ways in other cultures. 

If there is no earnings then you are expected to get earnings. Or if incapable then hopefully you get support.

Altior

It's a bit late, decades into a relationship to start viewing money put into a joint account as yours personally, rather than yours as a household. And that spending it needs to be justified. My mum would have gone ballistic if my dad said that to her! 

However, you do see this now as him spending your own personal money, rather than the household's money. Now that's how you see it, likely you won't be able to 'unsee' it. 

It seems to me that you need to decide if keeping your own money as you view it, is more important than the relationship. If you need to rectify this financial arrangement from your perspective, you need to be prepared for that to end the relationship, which unfortunately seems the most likely outcome. A tangible risk, anyway.

fwiw I am asperger's and couldn't handle a shared fridge, never mind a shared bank account. It would drive me absolutely potty to have unaccounted for outgoings!  

Rob5342

pjcox2005 said:

justwhat said:

pjcox2005 said:

Doesn't it depend on how much you're talking about and percentage of wealth. Given you mentioned one example of £600 in the past that sounded like it was for himself, then I presume the family presents are expensive but not huge.

If my wife wants to treat her family to something that cost £100 then I don't expect her to have to ask permission as it's our joint money no matter the percentage contribution from each of us as we're a team. Likewise she can spend more on herself without getting "sign off" as she's not a child. If it was lending someone say £5k that could seriously impact our spending power and brings other issues then I'd expect it to be a joint decision. [Amounts should obviously be flexed depending on overall earnings and financial security]

So it's a question of why it's an issue? If it's just because you want control or dislike his family then that's more you being out of order, where as if it impacts your financial security then he is being out of order. Answer is probably somewhere in the middle normally.

My wife or myself would always mention or tell each other of non essential spends especially if it was for a third party.  

Each to there own. My ex-wife just continually spent lol 

Very much a balance and trying to get it right for each couple. I used to track all spending but then it almost seemed like my wife had to ask permission or explain what she spent even though i never really minded and just tracked to be sensible.

We try and have a balance between trust and accountability. We each know what the other has planned that week and plan our own spending around it. We'll buy things if we fancy them without mentioning it to the other as long there is money left for them too, but if it's a big expense that wont leave much then we always mention it.

goater78

It’s a difficult situation. If it’s a joint bank account then it’s shared money and either of you can spend it as you like. Telling your partner he can’t access this money is problematic. 

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

Lola_balola

I think the way forward here is couples counselling. It seems there are deeper issues than purely financial and I suspect some of the underlying problem is about his (and your) worth as a person. I agree with above posters that if some of this was written by a man saying “I’m the main wage earner, she helps with my work as best she can and does loads around the house and then expects to be able to spend my money without asking” then the responses would be very different. That said abusive language isn’t acceptable. I suppose what I’m saying here is that we only have a snippet of one side of the story, the issues run far deeper and you won’t get a sensible plan from people on the internet who have a small proportion of the story. 

In summary, no this does not sound right. You need to discuss with your partner and get to the root of the problem, and this is possibly best done with help. Only then can you decide whether dividing accounts etc is a helpful approach, or whether a more fundamental change is needed.

Mojisola

goater78 said:

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

I don't think the gender of either person is relevant - the problem is that one person is giving away money that is jointly owned without discussing it with their partner, even after the partner has said they aren't happy.

goater78

Mojisola said:

goater78 said:

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

I don't think the gender of either person is relevant - the problem is that one person is giving away money that is jointly owned without discussing it with their partner, even after the partner has said they aren't happy.

Hmm not sure I 100% agree. I suspect if it was a man saying they were annoyed that their wife was spending money out of their joint account they would get different responses than the OP has got. 

Debbie9009

I would say the same whatever the genders are.  The way I am reading this is the OP doesn’t normally have a problem with her husband having money from the joint account. What she has a problem with is him taking or spending very large sums of money without them discussing this first, I don’t see that as financial abuse, just two people making sure they are both happy with large spends.

maman

Although the opposite is implied in the thread title, OP seems reasonably happy with sharing her earnings with her OH as he does his fair share of contributions in other ways. The problem seems to be friction caused by his current personal spending.

I agree that abusive language to get his own way is unacceptable. I'm not condoning it but perhaps the OH thinks that OP is trying to stop him supporting his family and friends as there's no mention of him spending money unnecessarily on anything else. 

I think the couple need to discuss how much they can afford to give to others compared with how much they need for their own needs. This would include their day to day spending but also any goals they need to save for such as their children's future or home etc. 

Once a figure is decided then it's up to them how to organise it practically. It could be done by separating off the 'charity' money into another account which the OH would know 'when it's gone it's gone' but that's just one possibility. 

pinkshoes

goater78 said:

It’s a difficult situation. If it’s a joint bank account then it’s shared money and either of you can spend it as you like. Telling your partner he can’t access this money is problematic. 

I am wondering if the gender roles were reversed and it was a husband telling his wife that he couldn’t access money in their joint account as to whether this would be seen as abusive behaviour. 

Gender has nothing to do with it, and no one is saying they cannot access money.

The issue is about spending money on expensive materialistic objects and other things for other people, but not mentioning it or discussing it, which is downright disrespectful!