Main wage earner, now partner says he is free to take money from joint account at will

Nelliegrace

Such a difficult area. A friend found all of the money she had earned gone from the joint account when her husband wanted to “save face” by showing off his wealth and status to his family when he was depressed and unemployed. 

Perhaps one part should be just for living costs and savings, and the rest divided equally into separate accounts to spend as you choose. Who earns most money should not matter in a partnership but the use of any surplus joint income should be fair.
The other resources, time and effort put into the relationship and home should also be fair. Some partners forget that bit. 

theoretica

Someone made the point about pressure from family/friends - which can be relentless, especially in a large family even if individual people only ask very occasionally.  And needing to be the bad guy/claim poverty all the time could be very wearing.  Perhaps this doesn't just need to be approached as a financial matter, and as a matter for the couple, but as an emotional way of dealing with requests and expectations.  (Maybe 'I devote a certain sum to helping family each year and this year it has all been needed for X,Y,Z or perhaps if there is some left at the end of the year...') 

Teapot55

It might be very prudent for the OP & spouse to pay for some financial advice from an independent financial advisor. Planning for the future regarding pensions, life assurance, future financial provision for dependents and other less obvious stuff would go some way to reducing understandable anxiety about money matters. 

Emmia

Debbie9009 said:

MalMonroe said:

Hi, what a lovely, generous partner you have. He sounds like a real gem, hang on to that one!

You are one very lucky woman.

Wow the OP’s partner is taking large sums of money from their joint account without discussion and you think she is lucky !!

OP please don’t listen to this post, what your partner is doing isn’t right.  

Is it possible that one reason he is doing this is because he doesn’t earn as much as you, so he feels the need to be generous to pretend that he is.  I’m speaking from personal experience here, my ex was like this with money, he was unemployed for much of our relationship, but used to tell people I spent all his money, when in fact I was paying for everything, I never said anything about this as I didn’t want to embarrass him, and I knew he was doing it to save face, but I really did resent him saying that, and over time my resentment grew.

If that is a reason, it still doesn’t make it right, but you might be able to find ways around this together.

I think you are brave to be facing up to this, and to be asking for other’s opinions.

I think @MalMonroe was being sarcastic...

NBLondon

Emmia said:

I think @MalMonroe was being sarcastic...

I don't think Mal would do it at that length.

diystarter7

Hello
I've posted on this thread before and just skimmed through some of the new posts

To have joint accounts and one signature to take money out, needs trust.

We went joint with everything a few months after meeting/married - it works for us as there is trust

Taking anything out, we tell the OH

We share our debit card and cc cards ie same account x 2 cards.

Trust takes a long time to build and a super nano second to lose.

Often people have understandings EG, take out xx amount to wine/dine/enjoy/presents and not give a second thought but then there are larger amounts.  Have an understanding and if that understanding is breached, time to split accounts or get two signatures/authrosations to withdraw.

Good luck OP

Retireinten

OP, you really need to sit down and both calmly discuss how you manage your finances moving forward, otherwise the resentment will build and it will ultimately end the marriage.

If the marriage ends he needs to realise his 'money tap' (that's you, by the way) will stop.  He isn't earning the money to gift his family, you are - and before anyone says anything, I'd be saying the same thing if the OP was a man.

Although your husband has health issues now that may affect his earning capacity it sounds like that hasn't been the case for the bulk of your marriage and yet you have still been the main earner by some margin. He may share the load at home with you but that does not mean he dictates how to spend the money you earn for YOUR family.  'Family' in most relationships, does not include the parents, sisters, nieces etc of a spouse.

I appreciate he may be culturally expected to support financially but this does need to be managed.  His financial demands will limit your ability to spend and save for yourselves and your children, it could trap you in a job you don't like just for the decent pay packet. That money could go towards your retirement - or does he expect YOU to keep working to fund HIS family forever?

Lavendyr

If you aren't comfortable with the use of the joint account, you need to talk. Because it suggests that either you or OH (or both) aren't on the same page as to the purpose of the joint account. 

I have a joint account with my OH. We also have our own bank accounts. We use the joint account for joint costs only. I wouldn't take money out without talking to my OH first. So the question is - regardless of who earns most - is the joint account a place where you make joint decisions? 

HampshireH

I don't completely understand the cultural aspect of supporting families abroad to this length 

Parents yes if affordable. But siblings and nieces and nephews I don't this could go on forever with multiple siblings/family members. Especially when it's not money earnt by the person gifting.

What would the expectations be if there was no earnings. Is it irrelevant? Do families abroad where this cultural expectation exists generally have any understanding of the financers actual income in these cases?

Emmia

Possibly something of a nuclear option coming up, but...

Can I ask, what stops you simply not putting your salary into the account? 

You could (if you're paying for everything, and your husband refuses to stop gifting money) switch the mortgage, bills etc., to be paid from an account solely on your name and either have the joint account frozen so your husband can't spend any money out of it, or only putting in a small amount of money which would pay for (some) groceries.

Doing this probably means you're heading for divorce, but if you're fundamentally not on the same page on this, it is presumably causing stress on the marriage and that itself may lead to it breaking down.